these hallelujahs be multiplied.

Your love is like radiant diamonds,

bursting inside us, we cannot contain.

Your love will surely come find us,

like blazing wild fires, singing Your name.

September, you've been a roller coaster.

Last night, my roller coaster peaked.  It hit the top (or maybe it was the bottom?).  Last night reaffirmed a lot of things for me.

Like how good my friends are, how sweet they are to me.  how loved I really am by them.  how a huge couch, a water, some tissues, and emotional threats can be so comforting.  how precious the Lord works time out.  how deliberately He weaves things together (and apart).  how He aligns things so intricately to help us and to hold us and to protect us.  how big He is, yet how small He can be when it comes to knowing me and know my heart.  how incredibly loving He is.

I'll spare you of the details, but last night, my last eight months hit an emotional wall.  My heart dropped as I felt the weight of things this summer, things in my head, things in my heart, and things forgotten collide.  I was mad and maybe hurt and maybe sad and sort of confused, but overwhelming overwhelmed.  

My wall resulted in tears, tissues, kind words, and sinful words that made me feel better (I'm human).  In the midst of my meltdown, the Lord moved.  He moved mountains in me and in my heart.  In my chaos, He spoke to me and loved me still.

I cannot adequately sum up the last year of my life.  I cannot adequately show you, like I would love to, just how great the Lord has been to me.  But know that my cup overflows.  Matthew 12:34 says that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.  My inability to properly convey just how sweet Jesus is should scream volumes about what is happening in my heart; it cannot be explained, contained, or refrained.

He has used easy things, hard things, big things, and small things to reveal Himself to me.  Even when/though this season is hard, I love it.  I have fallen madly in love with the only One that can carry the weight of my worship.  How silly I am to think that anyone else can handle the magnitude of it.  How grateful and thankful and happy I am to know that I know the One that can.

Times are hard.  As soon as I think maybe they're not hard, I get hit and my character is tested.  I declare, proclaim, and rejoice in the fact that Jesus always always always wins.

How thankful I am to know my worth in Him.  How thankful I am to know how treasured I am.  How thankful I am to call Jesus mine and to have Him call me His.  How thankful I am for God and for His goodness.  How thankful I am that the Lord gives good gifts and that He only takes things away to give better things.  What a promise.

Lately, I have been so full of love.  The Lord has been overwhelmingly (I'm using that word a lot, but it is the only thing that gets a little close to telling how I feel) evident and real and present.

In the midst of all that and all of this, I ask that you would pray for me.  Pray for my heart because it hurts.  I know Jesus well enough that I can overcome that hurt, but your prayers would only help me more.  Pray that I would continue to see the Lord around me.  Let this season not be a season of aimless wandering, but one of consistent thankfulness.  He is good.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you is only a start, for it doesn't say nearly enough. You will never get old, I will never ever tire of You, Your grace, or Your faithfulness.  

God of mercy, sweet love of mine, I have surrendered to Your design.

May this offering stretch across the skies.

These hallelujahs be multiplied.

I say You are a good God and I eagerly expect Your goodness today.
I'm ready for you, October.  The best is yet to come.  With my head held even higher today, onward we go.

September is BUSY.

I'm currently in class, on my second cup of coffee, trying to focus and obviously not succeeding.  I'm not convinced that this is how "to-do lists" are supposed to work (I write "blog" on my to-do list and then do it while I'm sitting in class...), but at this point, it's what has to happen.  

This semester is kicking my butt.  Currently, I'm juggling being SRA, running an Etsy shop, being a full time student [and I only have 15 hours, but 4 communication classes is A LOT], going to counseling, sending out letters to raise money for a mission trip to Seattle, trying to manage my anxiety, being a 20 year old girl in 2014, and loving Jesus as best I can.  It's taken lots of coffee, lots of praying, lots of conversations, lots of lists, a couple episodes of New Girl, and lots of broken moments when I have to come to Jesus and realize how inadequate I am and how much I need Him.

I often want to make time to come here (even if that time is when I'm supposed to be listening to a lecture) because I'm a big, big advocate in speaking words to believe words.  I have to say things to help myself know things.

Jesus has taught me a lot in the last month.  I say often that He teaches me a lot, but it never slows down, ever.  He always has many things to reveal to me.  Lately, He's teaching me that He is so tenderly loving.  I know that God loves me and I believe that very well.  But lately, in the times of my chaos and my busyness and my stress, God has reminded me that He loves me sweetly.  It's more than love as a friend or love as a Creator, but love like a Father.  A love that reminds me that I can mess up and I'll still be accepted.  A love that can calm anxieties.  A love that comes from tight squeeze hugs and notes on napkins from friends and midnight thank you texts.  A love that is sweet enough to bring tears to my eyes, a love that is sweet enough to melt my heart when it gets hard and cold because I'm set in my own agenda and in my own world.

I often say that the Lord is sweet and that He is loving, but these days, my life has looked like combining those 2.  He is sweetly loving.  He is close and He orchestrates little things to bring big joy.  I'm not sure how to adequately describe it, but today, love looks like the little things.

To be honest, I'm exhausted.  I'm exhausted with any and all things.  I'm exhausted with class and with homework and with loving people when I don't wanna and with being stressed and anxious.  In spite of my tiredness, I'm reminding myself often that Jesus is very good.  And reminding myself often that He is very sweet to me.  And reminding myself that the character of Jesus matters more and means more than the mess I feel.

I know I say this often and maybe too much, but thank you for listening to my rambling.  I'd be lying if I said that your reading my blog doesn't matter to me.  What an honor it is for you to care enough to read the words I need to speak.  I'm thankful for you, faithful readers.  You have helped my heart immensely and I cannot say thank you enough times.

With my head high, bravery in my steps, and love overflowing from my heart, onward we go.

On my darkened heart, the light of Christ has shone.

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Therefore remember that at one time you Gentiles in the flesh, called “the uncircumcision” by what is called the circumcision, which is made in the flesh by hands— remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility. And he came and preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father. So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.

- [ E P H E S I A N S 2 ] -

For The Cross

Today, my goal was not to goof around on the internet, but to get lots of things done.  But here I am blogging, so...

I am utterly overwhelmed today.  I didn't think my heart could get as full as it is.  

First, let me say that anxiety medicine rocks.  My doctor said I wouldn't see changes within the first week, but it's been 4 days and these last days have been amazing.  I know a lot of that has to do with Jesus and maybe the medicine is just mental, but really, I can't even explain the peace and okay-ness I feel.  Seriously, I feel like I'm seeing the Lord clearly for the first time ever.  It's been incredible to say the least.

Second, the truth that Jesus would come to save me wrecks me.  Earlier this week, I shared my testimony and it was by no accident that I would share all that the Lord has done in my life one day and then celebrate three years of freedom and grace and love and kindness and gentleness and wisdom and sweetness 3 days later.  

Three years ago, I got baptized.  If I could sum up the last 3 years in any one word, it would faithfulness.  Oh, that the Lord would seek me and come to me and pursue me and hold me and treasure me.  That He would find me and stay with me, in my wrongs and in my attempted rights, in my good days and my bad days (and believe me, the bad days have been many), in my closeness to Him and in my distance from Him.  That He would come to me and fight for me and love me more than I love myself.

I think the gospel hits me as hard and as strongly as it does because I understand that the Lord saved me from a lot and I promise I'm thankful for that, but for almost even more, I'm thankful that Jesus saved me from myself.  He saved me from my anxiety and my worthless feelings and my hopelessness and my brokenness and my sin and my screwed up thinking.  He saved me from Hell, yes, He saved me from living an empty life, but I am so dearly thankful that He saved me the train wreck that is myself.  He saved me from the self destruction that I was pursuing.

Oh, that He would put a semicolon where I had firmly placed a period.  That He would pursue me so faithfully, despite my downright rejection.  That He would love me in spite of my rejection of Him.  I will never, ever tire of thinking of these thoughts.  I'm in wonder, marveled at the depth of His faithfulness, His love, and His kindness for me.

All of these things are to say that I can't handle God.  I can't handle what's been done for me, I can't handle what's been given for me.  Hallelujah, what a savior; hallelujah, what a friend.  I can't handle it and I delight in that.  The mystery of Christ is a very real thing and my heart is overwhelmed by it.  Here's to the last three years and the forever that's to come.  Jesus, You're the delight of my heart and thank You doesn't say enough.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true Word;

I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;

Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;

Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle shield, sword for the fight;

Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight;

Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high tower:

Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,

Thou mine inheritance, now and always:

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,

High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,

May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

Still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

things rock

hallelujah, what a savior.

hallelujah, what a friend.

halleulujah, king forever.  

we thank you for the cross.

I've always been deeply moved by hearing people pray for me.

Last night, I shared my testimony with my staff - the people that have become my best friends over the last month or so.  It rocked.  Seriously.  Last year when I shared mine, I was shaking and crying and so nervous about opening up about all the baggage that I have.  But since then, I've learned a few things about the Lord and a few things about how He sees me and my story.  So to say that I was excited to share last night is a bit of an understatement.

After I shared all that the Lord has done in my life over the last 3 years (I've really only been a Christian for that long. What?), they prayed for me.  They laid hands on me and really and truly prayed for me.

Let me tell you something about myself.  I cannot cannot cannot handle it when people pray for me.  The very idea that someone would approach the throne of God on behalf of me and my baggage and my junk and my worries and my happiness and my blessings totally overwhelms me.  What an honor it is to be prayed for and to be able to pray for others.  I didn't cry until I was prayed for.  

I'm not sure what it is, but the Lord knew that I needed some extra doses of encouragement this week.  The words I've heard, the notes I've received, the prayers I have felt, the hugs I've been given, the kindness that's been poured out, all of those things have encouraged my heart more than I can explain.  It is a pleasure, an honor, and a privilege to be so delicately and deliberately seen.

I never prepared the blog for this before (I'm so dramatic, lol), but I had a doctor's appointment on Friday and I talked to the doctor about putting me on anxiety medicine.  I had decided that I thought that was a good idea and through talking through things with her, she agreed.  I started my medicine Sunday.  She said it would take a week to see any changes.  I'll keep y'all posted.  I wouldn't mind prayers there.  I'm excited about the Lord's healing in regards to my heart and head.

Also, there's a mission trip to Seattle in December through AU.  I'm never totally 1000% sure about anything, but I'm pretty dead set on going.  And by pretty set on it, I meant I'm ecstatic for it and Lord willing, I'll be in Seattle in December.  I'll be sending out support letters for that because without support money, I could no way go.  And not to give myself a plug, but email me if you'd like a letter (cause to be honest, I'd like your money <3).

Alsooooo in the last 2 or 3 weeks, I've been Etsying my life away.  Posting and making and trying to sell.  I've learned a lot about myself, about my potential, and about my likes and dislikes through having an Etsy shop in only a few short weeks.  Another plug: if you wanna visit my shop, you can go here: Brocha Designs

I feel like this is all sort of just word vomit, but really, my heart is so full these last days and I'm not sure how to verbalize all of that well.  I have felt the presence of the Lord, heavily and super evidently.  Before, when I've always said that I love this season, that was a lie.  I didn't know love then.  But I really, really, really LOVE this season.  It is good and I rejoice in that.

One of the major parts of sharing my testimony was Ephesians 2:4-7:

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

Those first two words have convicted me a lot, a lot.  But God.  I was a sinner, but God.  I thought I was fine, but God.  I was hopeless, but God.  I couldn't fix myself, but God.  I didn't do anything right, but God.  

To make me righteous, God sent for me.  He gave it all for me.  He has done this.  He intercedes for me today.  He considers me worth it.  He gives life.  I needed help, so God.  He is here and He is love and He is good.  He is so good.  I am immensely, immensely blessed.

Sorry for the jumbled thoughts.  I can't properly express all of the incredible things I feel.  Thank you, Jesus.

hallelujah, it is finished.

hallelujah, it is done.

hallelujah, king forever.

and we thank you for the cross.

he meets me in my weakness.

"There is nothing better than Jesus Christ. There is nothing more valuable, nothing lovelier, nothing we should have our minds on, our hearts on, our thoughts on, that’s bigger and better than Jesus Christ. He is before all things and in him all things hold together.” - Matt Chandler

Today (well, yesterday. it's after midnight) officially marks one month back in Anderson.

In the month that I've been back in this place I call home, I've prayed, rejoiced, celebrated, cried, hugged, hurt a lot, laughed to tears, made new friends, forgotten other friends, gone to church, received good words, felt the weight of things unhandle-able, gone to counseling, and slept many less hours than I would like.

The last month has been hard.  It's been challenging.  I've experienced growth in more ways than I could have anticipated.

Anxiety is very real.  If there's anything I've learned, it's that.  Through a number of things, I'm learning to confront my anxiety head on.  I've learned that it doesn't have to control me, that I have a say in my own life.

I've started going to counseling.  It's only been one session, but I can already see that it's good for me.  It's good for my head and for my heart.  I've learned to name the things I feel.  I'm writing down the things that cause my anxiety to come, so it's taught me to give my burdens a name.  Calling them my "stress" or my "worries" or my "weight" is too vague and too consuming, if that makes sense.  Satan needs a name in our lives.  In my life, in this season, satan is my anxiety.  Beyond that, the things that bring my anxiety to a forefront need to be recognized.

Last time, I alluded to how things look bad when I look around.  I think, that to an extent, that's true, but that I don't have to feel the weight of all of the things outside of my control.  Through counseling, I'm beginning to realize that I have an insatiable need for control and an insatiable need for perfection.  Neither of these things are fair to myself or to those around me.  Also, neither of those things are what Jesus came for.  What an injustice it is for me to demand things that God doesn't even demand.  How foolish.  I'm working on it.  And by that, I mean, I'm praying and Jesus is working on me.

I'm thankful that he does that.  that he likes us enough to delight in us.  that he seeks us enough to come to us in our weakness.  that he finds us where we are and lovingly holds us while we try to pull it together.  In this season of anxiety, I've learned that God is a god of astounding comfort.  Not only that he comforts me when I feel chaotic, but that he delights in knowing me and in being with me.  that he really is jealous for me, that he wants me to desire him like he desires me.  that he loves me and loves me with a love that does not cease.  he loves me enough to buy me and call me righteous because of the price paid for me.

It might sound silly, but I had to remind myself today that I am not drowning.  That I never was.  That even when it feels like I am, I'm not.  That even when I can't figure it out, Jesus intervenes and wins for me.  Gosh, does he win for me.

On September 18th, in ten days, I'll have been baptized for 3 years.  I cannot begin to summarize what the Lord has done.  If there were any one fact of him that I have learned, if I could pick just one, it would be that he will always always always be sufficient.  I cannot look back on the last three years and say, at any point, that the Lord was not enough for me.  He is never shy of being enough.

There's this awesome quote by Matt Chandler that says it perfectly: "If you will be honest about your life, you will admit that God has never failed you. He has never let you down. He may not have always given you what you wanted or orchestrated your life according to your desires or taken your advisement on His providential care for you, but when it comes down to it, He has never, ever failed you. You may have felt distant from God at times, but He’s never abandoned you. He has never left you or forsaken you. You have never been without His love and sovereign care." what good news.

Thank you, Jesus, for always being more than enough.  Thank you for coming to me in my weakness.  Thank you for being enough when I feel like I could never be enough.  Thank you for patience with me.  Thank you for loving me deeper than I know.  Thank you for that promise, that hope.  Thank you for casting out our demons and calming our fears.  Thank you for abounding grace.  Thank you for comforting me always.  You are big enough and I choose to believe that.

bit by bit

This post will be more like a devotional than anything else, but we all know that I'm a firm believer in declaring truths over yourself.  

I feel like I've seen a lot of sin this week.  I've been surrounded by it, I've heard about it, I've read about it.  I usually try to shelter my ears from things like that.  That may not be the best way to handle things, but it's the reason I don't watch the news.  It's like everywhere you look, there's bad.  It's just bad, bad, bad and you can't find any good.  That's what this week has felt like.  It's been a good week for me, a great week even.  I have loved this week.  I have felt so good these last handful of days.  But the things around me (and I mean some things on campus and things in my town and things in this nation and things around the world) are crumbling and I'm not totally sure how to deal with that.  It's hard to watch and even harder to stand up to.  Pull up USA Today and you'll see what I mean.  That is heavy and hard stuff.

Tonight at BCM, we sang about how no weapon formed against us will prosper.  As we shouted and declared and believed those words, Jesus pulled on my heartstrings.

No bad news formed against me will prosper.
No anxiety formed against me will prosper.
No depression formed against me will prosper.
No sickness formed against me will prosper.
No confusion formed against me will prosper.
No heartbreak formed against me will prosper.
No fear formed against me will prosper.
No death formed against me will prosper.
No awkward situation formed against me will prosper.
No trial formed against me will prosper.

Some of those seem a little silly, but it is so true.  I think, often times, we know that nothing can seperate us from the Lord and in our heart of hearts, we really believe that, but we are foolish and easy to convince ourselves that the storms of our lives are too big.  That these random, seemingly silly things are not what that verse meant.  That Jesus didn't come to handle little things, he came solely for the big things, like the world's sin.  As if those little things are not meant to mess with our relationship with the Lord, too.

I think that it's important to give the devil a name in our lives.  The devil is the anxiety I feel.  The devil is the heartbreak I feel.   The devil is the awkward situation I dread and run from.  The devil is alive and active and until we recognize that, we drown in our little things. 

I'm not sure I'm making sense and I'm not sure how to convey what I want.  
At some point, the little things become the big things.  They tumble and tumble down the hill until they're like this huge ball of chaos and it's too much.  Those are the things that will not prosper against us.  

I believe that anytime satan steps in to thwart us, even a little bit, from doing what the Lord would have us do, that is what Isaiah was talking about when he said that no weapon formed against us will prosper.  Because even in the little bits, we feel and we hurt and we struggle.  And those little bits, little bit by little bit, can make up a big bit.  And that bit will seek to separate us from the Lord.  That big bit drives a wedge between us and Jesus.

The Lord is not only bigger, He's better.  It's never been a battle of size or capacity, but it's always been a battle of the depth of love.  That Jesus loves us enough to come, to live, to suffer, to die, to be raised, and to sit beside the father on our behalf.  What a glorious, wonderful, perfect-but-so-not-perfect picture that is.

Jesus sees you and he sees me.  He sees where we're at and he meets us there.  He came to us in our death, when we were literally dead, and he comes to us in our weakness and he loves us there.  He loves us when we're right and when we're wrong and when we're too confused to figure it out and when we're not sure whether we want to be right or wrong.  He loves us when our bits gets too big and he loves us when we let those bits tumble over us.  

Singularly, my bits aren't that big.  But collectively, that's a mess and that's hard.  Jesus came for those bits to be beaten. 

Jesus, thank you for coming.  thank you for interceding.  thank you for seeing me and loving me deeply.  thank you for raising me above my little messes and my big mess.  thank you for grace and patience.  thank you for loving me all the same.  thank you in my right doing and in my wrong doing. thank you for accepting me.  thank you for giving me ears to hear and a heart to listen that you love me that much and more than enough.  thank you that no weapon formed against me prospers.  you are so sweet.

And if not, He is still good

"People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be.  When I look at a sunset, I don't find myself saying, 'soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner'.  I don't try to control a sunset.  I watch with awe as it unfolds." 

- Carl Rogers

Lately, I've learned a lot about that.  I've learned about having patience with myself and with others.  I've learned a lot about meeting people where they are and not where you want them to be.  I've learned about loving myself here - in this season, in this place, in this moment.  There's a quote that is hanging in my bathroom that says this: "Wisdom means to choose now what will make sense later. I am learning everyday to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me.”  That though there is a gap between me now and ideal me, I will choose to let that gap encourage me forward instead of hinder me backward.

"appreciate where you are in your journey, even if it's not where you want to be.  

every season serves a purpose."

Grace is a good thing.  I've been shown so much grace and I've given some grace, too, but I often times deny giving myself grace.  That's a dangerous place to be.  We must, must, must accept ourselves as we are.  We must love ourselves too much to stay where we are, but we must accept ourselves always and continue to move forward always.

I've received a lot of good words lately.  My heart has been so encouraged by those around me, the things I stumble upon, and the goodness that the Lord has sent my way.  How sweet He is.

I have said it before and I'll say it again: I love this season.  Some days, I love it more than others, and quite honestly, a lot of days, I hate it.  But how good it is to dwell in the shelter of the Lord.  He protects us from the storms, but lets us feel the rain.  The hard things that we think we can't handle, we can.  I'm so thankful for this growth.

To give a quick update on my life: days are hard and days are a lot.  I say both of those together because every single day is hard and every single day is a lot.  Some days are good and some are bad and I'm still learning the balance of that.  Sometimes, I think that because I love Jesus, I shouldn't struggle the way I do.  But I'm learning the balance of that, too - that just because I know the goodness of the Lord does not mean that I won't face things that feel too big. 

There are things that I would change if I could, but I'm learning how to accept those things.  I'm learning that He is good and that He knows better than I do, even when I'm surely convinced that I know best.  I'm thankful that the Lord is patient with me in those times.  

I say all of these things because often times, I need to process to know that I know these things... if that makes any sort of sense.  Verbalizing things that the Lord is teaching me helps me to know them.  Otherwise, where does everything go? 

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Jesus, thank you that you are good.  Thank you for the people around me, the love that is so evident to me, and the grace that you always always always have for me.  Thank you for bad days and good days.  Thank you for holding things together when I can't figure out how to.  Thank you for loving me enough to fight for me and call me yours.  Thank you for grace that goes deeper than I even know.  Thank you for seeing me and loving me anyway.  Can't get enough of you.  

"Be confident, my heart,

because the Lord has been good to me.

The Lord saved me from death;

He stopped my tears

and kept me from defeat."

Psalm 116:7-9