he meets me in my weakness.

"There is nothing better than Jesus Christ. There is nothing more valuable, nothing lovelier, nothing we should have our minds on, our hearts on, our thoughts on, that’s bigger and better than Jesus Christ. He is before all things and in him all things hold together.” - Matt Chandler

Today (well, yesterday. it's after midnight) officially marks one month back in Anderson.

In the month that I've been back in this place I call home, I've prayed, rejoiced, celebrated, cried, hugged, hurt a lot, laughed to tears, made new friends, forgotten other friends, gone to church, received good words, felt the weight of things unhandle-able, gone to counseling, and slept many less hours than I would like.

The last month has been hard.  It's been challenging.  I've experienced growth in more ways than I could have anticipated.

Anxiety is very real.  If there's anything I've learned, it's that.  Through a number of things, I'm learning to confront my anxiety head on.  I've learned that it doesn't have to control me, that I have a say in my own life.

I've started going to counseling.  It's only been one session, but I can already see that it's good for me.  It's good for my head and for my heart.  I've learned to name the things I feel.  I'm writing down the things that cause my anxiety to come, so it's taught me to give my burdens a name.  Calling them my "stress" or my "worries" or my "weight" is too vague and too consuming, if that makes sense.  Satan needs a name in our lives.  In my life, in this season, satan is my anxiety.  Beyond that, the things that bring my anxiety to a forefront need to be recognized.

Last time, I alluded to how things look bad when I look around.  I think, that to an extent, that's true, but that I don't have to feel the weight of all of the things outside of my control.  Through counseling, I'm beginning to realize that I have an insatiable need for control and an insatiable need for perfection.  Neither of these things are fair to myself or to those around me.  Also, neither of those things are what Jesus came for.  What an injustice it is for me to demand things that God doesn't even demand.  How foolish.  I'm working on it.  And by that, I mean, I'm praying and Jesus is working on me.

I'm thankful that he does that.  that he likes us enough to delight in us.  that he seeks us enough to come to us in our weakness.  that he finds us where we are and lovingly holds us while we try to pull it together.  In this season of anxiety, I've learned that God is a god of astounding comfort.  Not only that he comforts me when I feel chaotic, but that he delights in knowing me and in being with me.  that he really is jealous for me, that he wants me to desire him like he desires me.  that he loves me and loves me with a love that does not cease.  he loves me enough to buy me and call me righteous because of the price paid for me.

It might sound silly, but I had to remind myself today that I am not drowning.  That I never was.  That even when it feels like I am, I'm not.  That even when I can't figure it out, Jesus intervenes and wins for me.  Gosh, does he win for me.

On September 18th, in ten days, I'll have been baptized for 3 years.  I cannot begin to summarize what the Lord has done.  If there were any one fact of him that I have learned, if I could pick just one, it would be that he will always always always be sufficient.  I cannot look back on the last three years and say, at any point, that the Lord was not enough for me.  He is never shy of being enough.

There's this awesome quote by Matt Chandler that says it perfectly: "If you will be honest about your life, you will admit that God has never failed you. He has never let you down. He may not have always given you what you wanted or orchestrated your life according to your desires or taken your advisement on His providential care for you, but when it comes down to it, He has never, ever failed you. You may have felt distant from God at times, but He’s never abandoned you. He has never left you or forsaken you. You have never been without His love and sovereign care." what good news.

Thank you, Jesus, for always being more than enough.  Thank you for coming to me in my weakness.  Thank you for being enough when I feel like I could never be enough.  Thank you for patience with me.  Thank you for loving me deeper than I know.  Thank you for that promise, that hope.  Thank you for casting out our demons and calming our fears.  Thank you for abounding grace.  Thank you for comforting me always.  You are big enough and I choose to believe that.