Reinventing Myself, Take #894392498

"you are terrifying and strange and beautiful.  something not everyone knows how to love."

Hm.  I'm really late on coming back here.  It's been more than a week, what the heck.  This is gonna be a long, random, here's-my-thoughts-on-the-universe post, but I promise to try my best to make it somewhat entertaining.  

Happy November, Part 3

November was a roller coaster of a month, much like this semester has been.  For the last part of the month, rather than listing day by day, I'm thankful for the following: great, great, great friends, family that loves me no matter what, nieces that are so sweet ("Brenna, I'm so proud of you").  I'm thankful for IHOP trips and laughs that don't quit.  I'm thankful for nose piercings and friends that want to rebel a little with you.  I'm thankful for broken hearts that point you to Jesus' redemptive work.  I'm thankful for Jesus.  So thankful.  I'm thankful for kind words and harsh words, thankful for tough situations.  I'm thankful that I'm genuinely a happy person.  I'm thankful that the depression I sometimes feel doesn't stay too long.  I'm thankful that I can see the glass as half full.  

I think I've dreaded and hated this semester so much because Jesus has taught me too much.  It seems like every time I turn, He's teaching me. correcting me, fixing me, reminding me, warning me, pushing me, pulling me.  To say that I'm being stretched is an understatement.  I've never felt so pulled in so many different directions.  

But I know that I come out on top.  Which is literally my mantra lately.  If I wasn't meant for this, it wouldn't be happening.  If I couldn't handle this (really, what do you do when you "can't handle it"?  People, including me, are so dramatic.  We can handle anything.), then I wouldn't be forced to handle it.  My heart has just felt so heavy lately.  Heavy, not just because I'm sad sometimes, but because my emotions are seriously exhausting me.  

But again, I'm made for this.  And when I'm not made for it, Jesus is making me into someone that is made for this.  So, I introduce to you, the new and improved Brenna.  I suppose this is kind of like reaffirming and enhancing on the Diva post, but here it is:

Anything Could Happen by Ellie Goulding

The new Brenna is even sassier (right?  You didn't think it could happen, but HERE I AM).  It's about loving Jesus, first and foremost.  Jesus isn't an afterthought, He isn't a backup plan, He isn't a prayer after the storm.  And I'm not saying this is easy.  But you have to constantly remind yourself of Jesus.  CONSTANTLY.  Every moment, every second, every chance, every problem, every smile, every blessing, every friend, always.  That's work, but Jesus wins, always.  The new Brenna pauses for no one.  That sounds pretty heartless and maybe it is, but you cannot wait for people to see your worth.  Those who choose to see you--really see you and appreciate you and try to know you--are the people worth your time.  Anyone else that takes time to even falter over whether or not you're worth it, no.  You flip your hair and you move on.  The new Brenna is graceful, in all definitions of the word.  I'm learning to carry myself with grace, carry my emotions with grace (aka have patience with myself, with others, and with my feelings about both), and be graceful with others.  The new Brenna is kind.  This is a little hard for me sometimes because I don't always choose to play nicely.  But you know what?  If the kindness of the Lord leads me to repentance, who gave me the right to not anything but kind?  The new Brenna loves a lot.  I've warned against that before, but if November has taught me anything, it's how to fall back in love with things.  For instance, I have fallen head over heels back in love with my family, especially my mom and sister (they're my best friends).  I'm obsessed with those two and I cannot get enough, ever.  And the new Brenna is falling back in love with herself: mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.  

I've accepted that I think things through a lot.  A whole lot.  I've accepted, and even come to love, that I challenge ideas and I analyze everything.  I've accepted that I'll never be a size two (I'm okay with my body, but some days, I'm not okay with it).  I've accepted that I have curves.  And get this, I even look in the mirror now and praise myself.  This is almost a daily ritual and it's highly recommended to any and all.  I like the way my hips flare out a little too far, the way my legs are too big, the way I'm almost six feet tall, the way my hair isn't as long as I'd like it, the way my teeth aren't the straightest.  Loving yourself physically comes much easier when you rest in the knowledge that one day, your husband will adore every part of you.  He'll adore my too-big hips, my half-frizzy hair, my long legs that I wish were a little shorter sometimes.  I've accepted that I'm emotional (even that I'm emotional enough for all the females on the East Coast).  I've accepted that crying is common for me.  I've accepted that little things bring me joy and little things can rip me up as well.  And that's okay.  I'm okay with the fact that I feel a lot.  I've accepted that I need Jesus, a lot.  More than I even realize.  I've accepted that Jesus is constant.  Sometimes I choose to doubt this because I'm a bad person and I don't deserve for something so good, so perfect to be constant for someone like me, but know what?  He's here to stay.  And I either accept that or continue in the downward spiral.  I wouldn't change any of these things about myself and that's part of loving yourself-not wanting to change yourself.

I think, from time-to-time, we could all use a reminder of who we are and of who the Lord says that we are.  Here's a list, both for you and me:

You are loved.  You are cherished.  You are celebrated.  You are worth it.  You are worthy.  You are deserving.  You are broken, and that's okay.  You are not perfect.  You are not expected to be perfect.  You are okay, more okay than you think or feel.  You are beautiful.  You are heavenly, made to be seated beside the King forever and ever.  You are smart.  You are wise.  You have wisdom.  You are bigger.  You have overcome.  You are treasured.  You are a diamond.  You are sought after.  You are fought for.  You are necessary.  You are a friend.  You are prayed for.  You are safe.  You are adorable (not in a sense of "OMG, you're so cute [though you are], but in a sense of "You are so eternally adored, by the King, by your friends, by your family.").  You are good enough.  You are capable.  You are important.  You are not alone.  

You know what else is important?  To see the good in things. and in people.  What if we looked at those things that bother and frustrate us as adorable because they make the people that bother and frustrate us who they are, even if they still bother us? (#whut).  This is easier said than done because it's a choice.  You either choose to see the good or you choose to let it bother you.  You either choose to like it or you choose to hate it.  Really, it's all psychological.

And one last note: you deserve to feel.  And beyond that, you deserve to know how you feel.  And even beyond that, you should be man (lady or boy) enough to tell people how you feel when appropriate.  Sometimes you have to distance yourself from people.  If they care, they will notice and be bothered.  If not, you know where you stand.  That's all I'm gonna say about that one.

You deserve to be in love with your life, every minute of it.  

If you've stuck with me this far, you're a champ.  Thanks for listening to my rambling.  I'm fully aware that I'm a chaotic mess, but I'm just flippin my hair and embracing that.  

To close, if you haven't taken the 16personalities test, I HIGHLY recommend it.  You learn about yourself.  If you're interested, I'm an INFJ and here's what the test says about me- INFJ Personality.  

Thank you.  Thank you for loving me enough to sneak inside of my head.  Thanks for praying for me and for attempting to understand me.  Thank you for choosing to see me.  Forever indebted to my readers.  Hope I inspire y'all as much as y'all inspire me.

Life comes without guarantees, except that smiling will brighten your face, laughing will enhance your eyes, and falling in love will change your life.  She pulled back her hair, set her sights on God, and vowed to finish her race in victory.

Guarding my heart, onward we go.  Hello December.