I lost all my wisdom (thanks dentist, SATC, and the Downfall). *hairflip hairflip hairflip*

"It's all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit."

Gemini Horoscope for Monday, December 16, 2013: Okay, Gemini, you've put in a lot of thought on the problems you're facing.  You may feel alternately worried, frustrated, or anxious.  But it's time to stop all that.  You've done your fair share of feeling bad.  It's time to feel good.  It's time to get into the holiday spirit.  While this year may have had its share of ups and downs, the year ahead will be oh-so-much better.  So start thinking ahead with happy enthusiasm.  Start planning all the wonderful ways you will find joy as we get closer and closer to 2014.  Being happy is so much more fun that being worried, frustrated, and anxious.

I'm currently sitting in Atlanta Bread, chewing an egg and cheese croissant with my two front teeth.  I have on no makeup, I barely managed to brush my front eight teeth, and I have on the leggings that I wore yesterday... and the day before.  I'm also currently the definition of attractive; come and get it, boys.

For those of you who don't know (I've complained enough, so I don't even know how you wouldn't know), I had my four wisdom teeth extracted yesterday.  It was unlike what I thought it would be.  Three veins to get an IV (and if you know me at all, you know how much this was my favorite part.............) and I was out like a light.  I woke up halfway through the surgery to what felt like a chainsaw in my mouth.  Tears started pouring, not out of pain, but I don't know what they were about.  I just really wanted to go home.

I can give more gory details, but I'll spare those of you with weak stomachs.

Anyway.  I'm healing much better than I would have ever imagined.  My cheeks are barely swollen at the moment, though that part should peak tomorrow.  Medicine helps a lot.  And I can smile today, which is so, so important! 

Also, let me take a moment to brag on my wonderful, loving, best friend Mommy.  She's been waiting on me, hand and foot and teeth.  Bringing me endless bowls of ice cream, waking up at midnight, 3 am, and 6 am, just to tell me to take my medicine, despite my offer to set my own alarm.  She's watched movies with me, taken off of work for me, and made homemade chili for me (<3<3<3).  Grateful, grateful, grateful.  And so blessed by a great friend, mom, caretaker, parent, nurse, chef, cleaner, and woman.

Also grateful for sweet friends that send sweet texts and sweet snapchats. <3

Thanks, Monica. <3

And thank you, Ashley. <3

Being home is great.  It's chaotic and frustrating and I'm even more diva than usual, but I wouldn't trade that for anything.  

Another recent revelation I've had?  I've become anti-boy.
Literally, when I told a friend that yesterday, she asked if that was Brenna or my drugs speaking, haha.  I confidently her that it was the new and improved Brenna speaking--the Brenna that is learning more and more about herself everyday.  
No, I'm not a lesbian yet, the boys haven't pushed me to that yet (JK JK JK, NEVER. JUST A JOKE, DON'T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY, I'M ON OXYCODONE).  But really.  I think it's a combination of the Downfall of a Certain Person and watching so much Sex and the City.  I have no desire to be anywhere close to being in a relationship right now.  No desire at all.  And I don't feel lonely or heartbroken or upset or sad or depressed.  I just feel really good.  

I'm at a point in my life where I never saw myself being able to be.  I seriously love myself and love being happy more than ever before.  And I am not ready to share that love yet.  I'm not ready to share myself, how selfish is that?  I just want to be young and fabulous and diva and fun.  I want to have sleepovers and watch movies and enjoy my girlfriends, dang it.  

This all comes back to me falling in love with myself.  If you haven't managed that art yet, I recommend you try.  Someone (thank you, Summer. You motivate me to love myself more and more everyday) asked me a few weeks ago how I came to love myself and this was the only response I could make up:

"It is absolutely okay to not be (a size 2).  Really, look in the mirror, in panties and a bra, and think about the power within you.  You're smart and strong and you've been through a lot of shit.  And your body carries all that.  Our bodies are to be PRAISED.  It's just about being comfortable.  Your flaws are what make you.  Your ridiculousness makes you perfect.  The bad jokes you tell and the comments you shouldn't say out loud and the prayers you pray make you you.  And that's something to be praised.  It's beautiful.  I never understood loving myself until recently.  But it's key.  To everything in life.  To loving others, to appreciating others, to having grace, to praising God, to understanding where and what you've been saved from.  You have to, have to love yourself.  
I think it started with people regularly calling me Diva, really.  And then defining what I think makes me a "diva".  Diva can mean anything you want.  You just have to see yourself as worth it.  Soak in the gospel, the real gospel: God created a world and it was great, perfect.  Sinful man and woman messed it up.  God sent a king to fix it.  Sinful man killed the king, the king took the death for my sake.  To make me right.  Grace to save me.  Mercy to set me free.  And now, I'm free.  Free to be me.  Free to love.  That's the gospel.  I have to remind myself of it often.  And meditate on your flaws.  Meditate on the fact that you mess up a lot, BUT YOU'RE TRYING.  that's the key.  You try, even when you know you'll fail.  If you can't see the worth in that, try harder.  Humans are strong and powerful.  And loving yourself is all about loving, knowing, and praising the power within you.  And let me be the first to say it's not always easy.  But it's worth it.  And it does get easier.  Just remember what you deserve and what the King of the world thinks of you.  Remind yourself of that often."

"I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, 'I love you.'  There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt." - Maya Angelou

So cheers to happy me and happy you.  Cheers to an even more fabulous you and I in 2014.  Cheers to 20 and to growing up and to loving people.  Cheers to loving a lot, a lot.  Cheers to being good, so good.  Cheers to happiness and youthfulness and doing what it needed and desire.  After all, you matter a lot. 

"Stuff your eyes with wonder.  Live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds.  See the world.  It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories." - Ray Bradbury

Also.  I finished with 3 As, 3 Bs in the semester from Hell, a 3.4 GPA. Thanks for the prayers.

Merry Christmas.  I hope it's sweet and happy and thankful.  

We were just kids, with our hopes, with our dreams, with our faults

Kids by Saints of Valory

"Brenna, are you on duty tonight?"

I nod reluctantly, less than thrilled to sit in the lobby until midnight when there's no RSVP and after I just worked five hours at Old Navy.  

"Lucky for you, I'm baking cookies."

You know, as soon as you start to pout, Jesus just gotta step in and interrupt your whines, convict you of not counting your blessings.  Funny how that works.

This week has been good.  Better than good, great.  The best I've felt in a long time.  I almost wish I could say that I don't know why that is because I'm in denial or my recent and not so recent (a year ago) mistakes, but really, I know exactly why it is.  And you know what?  I'm okay with moving on.

Sometimes you need space, a lot of space.  From people.  People that remind you of the past that there is no way you're going back to, people that are the past that there is no way you're going back to.  People that damage you, people that are toxic to you.

This is precisely why, over the last two days or so, I've completed the entire first season (12 episodes) + 5 episodes of Season 2 of Sex and the City.  If I've learned anything about letting your heart heal, it's that you need time and a lot of it.  Time really does mend all wounds, whether said wounds are lessons learned or mistakes made (sometimes it's both and that's okay, too).

And time is okay.  It's okay to need space.  It's okay to think a lot.  It's okay to feel some bad stuff.  It's okay to count your blessings, I try to do that often.  

I've dealt with my fair share of broken hearts in my 19 and 1/2 short years, often followed by losing myself in a good book or five or a lot, lot, lot of trips to Yogurt Mountain, filled with one-sided conversations that I can politely agree and laugh with (not that this is a bad thing, but sometimes you need to just listen to someone talk and fill that quiet space before you think) or watching lots of movies.  See, it's easy to lose your own life in someone else's.  Not that my little problems and trials are vanished, but for a moment or two, it feels dang good to forget about them.

I've created my own therapy in Carrie Bradshaw.  She's great and I know a lot of people disagree, but I don't care.  Carrie is fabulous.  SINGLE and fabulous at that.  And she's empowering.  I haven't been this confident in my thoughts, my body, my attractiveness (I don't think I'm that hot, but it is nice to like yourself), my singleness, my future.  And you know what?  It might be sinful (#SATC), but if it makes me feel better, I count it as worth it.

And if you're at all doubting that Brenna is back with vengeance, know that I'm listening to this right now.  Literally.  Lolol.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rbm6GXllBiw

Anyway.  This post may make next to no sense, but I felt like I needed to follow up from the last one.  And I know I say thank you to you guys in almost every post, but really, thank you.  I couldn't ever say that enough.  You people have seen more of me than I tell anyone (even my family).  For some reason, I can write much easier than I can talk.  But regardless, I'm stumped and emotional about the feedback I got from my last post.  Without your sweet hearts to cheer me on, I'd be right back to my recent mistakes.  And we all know where that leads me.  So thank you.  Thank you for listening, for praying for me, for not giving up on me, for not getting too exasperating with me, and for all the while, still managing to treat me as a friend.  I know sometimes I'm dumb and foolish, but guarding my heart, onward we go.

I'm counting my blessings.  Remembering all that the Lord has blessed me with, despite my innate, rebellious heart.  Why I'm so attracted to danger is unknown to me.  

And just to reinforce the fact that I really am back, here's a selfie.  Cause we know I love selfies.  Love you people.  

Reinventing Myself, Take #894392498

"you are terrifying and strange and beautiful.  something not everyone knows how to love."

Hm.  I'm really late on coming back here.  It's been more than a week, what the heck.  This is gonna be a long, random, here's-my-thoughts-on-the-universe post, but I promise to try my best to make it somewhat entertaining.  

Happy November, Part 3

November was a roller coaster of a month, much like this semester has been.  For the last part of the month, rather than listing day by day, I'm thankful for the following: great, great, great friends, family that loves me no matter what, nieces that are so sweet ("Brenna, I'm so proud of you").  I'm thankful for IHOP trips and laughs that don't quit.  I'm thankful for nose piercings and friends that want to rebel a little with you.  I'm thankful for broken hearts that point you to Jesus' redemptive work.  I'm thankful for Jesus.  So thankful.  I'm thankful for kind words and harsh words, thankful for tough situations.  I'm thankful that I'm genuinely a happy person.  I'm thankful that the depression I sometimes feel doesn't stay too long.  I'm thankful that I can see the glass as half full.  

I think I've dreaded and hated this semester so much because Jesus has taught me too much.  It seems like every time I turn, He's teaching me. correcting me, fixing me, reminding me, warning me, pushing me, pulling me.  To say that I'm being stretched is an understatement.  I've never felt so pulled in so many different directions.  

But I know that I come out on top.  Which is literally my mantra lately.  If I wasn't meant for this, it wouldn't be happening.  If I couldn't handle this (really, what do you do when you "can't handle it"?  People, including me, are so dramatic.  We can handle anything.), then I wouldn't be forced to handle it.  My heart has just felt so heavy lately.  Heavy, not just because I'm sad sometimes, but because my emotions are seriously exhausting me.  

But again, I'm made for this.  And when I'm not made for it, Jesus is making me into someone that is made for this.  So, I introduce to you, the new and improved Brenna.  I suppose this is kind of like reaffirming and enhancing on the Diva post, but here it is:

Anything Could Happen by Ellie Goulding

The new Brenna is even sassier (right?  You didn't think it could happen, but HERE I AM).  It's about loving Jesus, first and foremost.  Jesus isn't an afterthought, He isn't a backup plan, He isn't a prayer after the storm.  And I'm not saying this is easy.  But you have to constantly remind yourself of Jesus.  CONSTANTLY.  Every moment, every second, every chance, every problem, every smile, every blessing, every friend, always.  That's work, but Jesus wins, always.  The new Brenna pauses for no one.  That sounds pretty heartless and maybe it is, but you cannot wait for people to see your worth.  Those who choose to see you--really see you and appreciate you and try to know you--are the people worth your time.  Anyone else that takes time to even falter over whether or not you're worth it, no.  You flip your hair and you move on.  The new Brenna is graceful, in all definitions of the word.  I'm learning to carry myself with grace, carry my emotions with grace (aka have patience with myself, with others, and with my feelings about both), and be graceful with others.  The new Brenna is kind.  This is a little hard for me sometimes because I don't always choose to play nicely.  But you know what?  If the kindness of the Lord leads me to repentance, who gave me the right to not anything but kind?  The new Brenna loves a lot.  I've warned against that before, but if November has taught me anything, it's how to fall back in love with things.  For instance, I have fallen head over heels back in love with my family, especially my mom and sister (they're my best friends).  I'm obsessed with those two and I cannot get enough, ever.  And the new Brenna is falling back in love with herself: mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.  

I've accepted that I think things through a lot.  A whole lot.  I've accepted, and even come to love, that I challenge ideas and I analyze everything.  I've accepted that I'll never be a size two (I'm okay with my body, but some days, I'm not okay with it).  I've accepted that I have curves.  And get this, I even look in the mirror now and praise myself.  This is almost a daily ritual and it's highly recommended to any and all.  I like the way my hips flare out a little too far, the way my legs are too big, the way I'm almost six feet tall, the way my hair isn't as long as I'd like it, the way my teeth aren't the straightest.  Loving yourself physically comes much easier when you rest in the knowledge that one day, your husband will adore every part of you.  He'll adore my too-big hips, my half-frizzy hair, my long legs that I wish were a little shorter sometimes.  I've accepted that I'm emotional (even that I'm emotional enough for all the females on the East Coast).  I've accepted that crying is common for me.  I've accepted that little things bring me joy and little things can rip me up as well.  And that's okay.  I'm okay with the fact that I feel a lot.  I've accepted that I need Jesus, a lot.  More than I even realize.  I've accepted that Jesus is constant.  Sometimes I choose to doubt this because I'm a bad person and I don't deserve for something so good, so perfect to be constant for someone like me, but know what?  He's here to stay.  And I either accept that or continue in the downward spiral.  I wouldn't change any of these things about myself and that's part of loving yourself-not wanting to change yourself.

I think, from time-to-time, we could all use a reminder of who we are and of who the Lord says that we are.  Here's a list, both for you and me:

You are loved.  You are cherished.  You are celebrated.  You are worth it.  You are worthy.  You are deserving.  You are broken, and that's okay.  You are not perfect.  You are not expected to be perfect.  You are okay, more okay than you think or feel.  You are beautiful.  You are heavenly, made to be seated beside the King forever and ever.  You are smart.  You are wise.  You have wisdom.  You are bigger.  You have overcome.  You are treasured.  You are a diamond.  You are sought after.  You are fought for.  You are necessary.  You are a friend.  You are prayed for.  You are safe.  You are adorable (not in a sense of "OMG, you're so cute [though you are], but in a sense of "You are so eternally adored, by the King, by your friends, by your family.").  You are good enough.  You are capable.  You are important.  You are not alone.  

You know what else is important?  To see the good in things. and in people.  What if we looked at those things that bother and frustrate us as adorable because they make the people that bother and frustrate us who they are, even if they still bother us? (#whut).  This is easier said than done because it's a choice.  You either choose to see the good or you choose to let it bother you.  You either choose to like it or you choose to hate it.  Really, it's all psychological.

And one last note: you deserve to feel.  And beyond that, you deserve to know how you feel.  And even beyond that, you should be man (lady or boy) enough to tell people how you feel when appropriate.  Sometimes you have to distance yourself from people.  If they care, they will notice and be bothered.  If not, you know where you stand.  That's all I'm gonna say about that one.

You deserve to be in love with your life, every minute of it.  

If you've stuck with me this far, you're a champ.  Thanks for listening to my rambling.  I'm fully aware that I'm a chaotic mess, but I'm just flippin my hair and embracing that.  

To close, if you haven't taken the 16personalities test, I HIGHLY recommend it.  You learn about yourself.  If you're interested, I'm an INFJ and here's what the test says about me- INFJ Personality.  

Thank you.  Thank you for loving me enough to sneak inside of my head.  Thanks for praying for me and for attempting to understand me.  Thank you for choosing to see me.  Forever indebted to my readers.  Hope I inspire y'all as much as y'all inspire me.

Life comes without guarantees, except that smiling will brighten your face, laughing will enhance your eyes, and falling in love will change your life.  She pulled back her hair, set her sights on God, and vowed to finish her race in victory.

Guarding my heart, onward we go.  Hello December.  

grateful for these people

The other day, Jesus spoke to me.  Reminded me of my worth, reminded me that I matter.  It didn't come through a booming voice or a soft nudging, but from the encouragement of others.  I'm not sure what I'm doing right, but I do know that Jesus is using me, somehow in spite of that way I feel pretty inadequate right now.  But for some reason, people--close friends and random people-- appreciate me.

I was flattered and surprised and curious.  It's a strange thing to hear that you're appreciated, but I don't think it's a good thing that we, as humans, the greatest creations to ever exist, see this feeling as "strange".  I mean, shouldn't our appreciation of others constantly be on our lips?  Why is it such a random, uncommon thing to hear praise from others?

I don't mean this like I should always be complimented; please don't confuse me that way.  Believe me, I should definitely be fussed at more often.  But I think it's maybe a problem that our appreciation for the people around us takes them by surprise.  We should constantly be reminding the people that influence us of their worth.

Anyway.  Naturally, because I think too much, hearing appreciation for me led to thinking about people that I under-appreciate.  It's no shock to me to realize that I take people for granted; not that it's right, but that I KNOW undoubtedly that it's true.

So here's a list of people that I think we (I, I, I) should appreciate more.  Some are maybe "bigger" than others, but we all have an important role to play.  I encourage you to thank these people, often and genuinely.  And add your own people as fit, then thank them, too, often and genuinely.

1.  Post Office workers.
This is highly due to the fact that I think written words are one of the highest forms of flattery for another person.  I mean, everyone loves receiving mail.  It touches something deep in our hearts to know that someone took time out to think about us and even beyond that, wrote us to us; bought a stamp; addressed it solely to us.  And without the people that work endless hours to make sure our mail is sent and received, mail wouldn't be a thing.  That sounds kind of ridiculous, but really, without people to deliver our hand-written notes or our Christmas cards or our care packages, we wouldn't be able to send them. 

2.  Our bosses.
We think that our jobs are hard?  Our bosses have to handle us (Lord help mine), the people we work with (uhh.. ditto here cause I can't even handle those people), and they have even more responsibility (read: weight on their shoulders, much more) than us.  It's easy to question them and to bad-talk them, but they have a lot of pressure on them.  

3.  "Sweet" people.
You know those people that you just think of as "sweet" when they come to mind?  Those people are special.  What a compliment.  Candy is sweet, chocolate is sweet, puppies and bunnies are sweet, so for someone who is jacked-up and sinful and dishonest and struggling and everything else to be described as "sweet", that means a lot.  These people are humble, caring, and committed.  Find your sweet people and love on them a lot.

4.  Mechanics.
If you say you haven't lost your head when a part of your car broke, you're lying big time.  Our worlds stop when we lose our transportation.  Without mechanics, fixing cars would be our responsibility (gasp and cry). 

5.  Journey, the band.
Don't Stop Believin
Without Journey, we wouldn't have Don't Stop Believing.  And if I told you how many times this song has made me better, I'd be so embarrassed.  Crank it way up and dance because we're people and we have power, dang it.

6.  "You look cute/pretty/beautiful/happy/lovely today."
We should (1.) love these people better and (2.) say this more often.  Everyone loves to hear this.

7.  Roommates.
Your roommates (or the people you live with) see A LOT.  They see you upset, mad, crying, happy, stressed, frustrated, aggravated, eating your body weight in Oreos, heartbroken, with no makeup on, when you're annoying, messy, barely clothed, everything.  And somehow, they still put up with you.  Cheers to mine.

8.  Godmothers.
It doesn't get much better than a person who commits to care for you if anything happens to your parents before they even know you.  I know that without my godmother, I wouldn't be half the person I am now.  I owe a lot to that woman that opened her house, her heart, her prayers, her wallet, and her sacrifices for me.  I'll never forget those prayers and goodnight kisses before bed, those crazy, long, summer days of playing Bratz with buffets of random things to eat for lunch, those hunts for golfball-sized spiders, those nights spent watching tv together, those long weekends at the lake, tubing and swimming and laughing, so much laughing.

9.  Authors and Artists and Bakers
I genuinely believe that these three take passion.  Authors and artists and bakers have a special passion for life.  They believe that they (a) have something to be said, (b) have something to be seen, and/or (c) have something that needs creating.  They have jobs for their joy and for our joy; it doesn't get much better than that.

10.  Kids Under 8
There's something really majestic about kids that see the world through an unfiltered lens.  They see color and happy and they don't have a care in the world.  This is to be observed heavily and noted heavily.  We should strive to have this kind of child-like view of things again.  We're so clouded up by caring what people think.

11.  Friends that call just to tell you funny stories.
This is a forgotten art because we can simply text about it.  But people have emotions and voices have inflections and a phone call offers both of those.  

12.  Grandparents.
I didn't realize how I took mine so for granted until they started passing away.  The world is a better place because of grandparents and I regret never knowing mine better.  There's something about someone that has wisdom and has been through some stuff and has seen some stuff and can offer insight into our little stuffs.  I also think that this has to do with our really irrational fear of older people.  And I can only say that because up until I listened to a 72 year old man preach the gospel and teach me about relationships and about life and about love, I was one of those that was uncomfortable around old people.  They're normal people, too, you know.



There's about a million more people to add to this.  It's easy for us to under-appreciate people.  We take a lot for granted.  This is one thing I vow to work on, though.  Blessings are only blessings when you count them.

Didn't I Just Have This Conversation/Revelation/Confrontation? #storyofmylife

In Christ Alone

This post is both hard and easy to write.  Hard because it requires me to be really honest about my shortcomings, but easy because it's about dang time, even I know it.

If you've at all journeyed with me through my life of the last 15 or 16 months, you know that I've struggled.  Struggled with what's right and what's wrong, which way is up and which way is down.  I've made excuses for my behavior and I've chosen to ignore the obvious signs and warnings.  I've made bad decisions, ones that have lead to this.  

Sometimes we have really good intentions, but bad motivations.  Good intentions like "I'll help him", "he needs me", "he needs Jesus", "I know I'm good for him".  Bad motivations like "maybe I can change him", "maybe one day it'll work", "we can figure it out together".

Let me be the first to say that jeopardizing your own well-being because you think someone else could benefit is a bunch of bullshit.  Sorry for the language, but really, I'm not.  It's bullshit to think that you don't deserve to be happy, too, that you should put your needs on the backburner because someone else's needs are greater, that you're not worth happiness, too. 

When (and if, I'm praying none of you are ever this foolish) you come to the place where you literally say "he might not be right for me, but I know that I'm right for him", it's time to run for the hills and quick.  No one is going to applaud your noble effort when you're left alone in that empty space because the differences between you and him finally came to head and it's all over.
Really, it is a brave effort to endeavor into worlds different from yours.  But when it comes to your heart, GUARD IT.  I seriously can't stress that enough.  That random verse [Proverbs 4:23] was taught to me back in 2008 by a random person and it has only since come up everywhere.  That verse means more to me now than ever before and I know that that will only grow.

You see, this is the problem.  Don't smoke weed, don't drink, don't have sex. 
But no one is talking about the issue of letting the wrong people move, without a marriage vow, into the home that is your heart.  If you ask me, giving your heart to those unworthy is mentally and emotionally equivalent to living with your boyfriend before you're married.  It only leads to your downfall.  It's like opening your doors, your goods, your bed, your everything to someone that has yet to make the commitment  that really matters to you.

danger, danger, danger.  When (here again, praying none of you are as foolish as I am) you do, run, run, run.  Guarding your heart isn't being closed off, it's knowing what you should and should not let make your heart home.  See, it's valid to protect yourself.

I'm not sure why we, in the modern, radical, Christian world, think that loving sinners is equal to giving away little pieces of ourselves to those that don't deserve them.  Don't confuse this.  Yes, we are supposed to love the least of these.  Yes, it is important to hurt and feel things for those that have yet to see the kingdom of God (really, have we?  I think we might be missing it, but that's a whole other blog post).  Yes, it is okay to love, a lot even.  But "above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it" has become some sort of archaic language to us.  Have we really gotten so detached that not even our hearts matter anymore?

I'm just saying that it's a really bad thing when someone comes back (especially for the 789372789th time) into your life and you notice that you close your bible, turn the worship music off, and quit praying.  

Take it from your girl.  Your heart matters.  I'm the biggest preacher of this, but the last lonely girl to believe it.  Remember what you deserve and settle for no less.  Embrace the sexiness that is your singleness.  Embrace the sexiness that is YOU.  Remember that you're attractive and that your heart is so, so precious.  Meet people.  Smile and laugh and flip your hair.  Embrace the fact that you are young and fabulous.  You are precious and beautiful and lovely and classic and adorable and worth it.  So, so worth it.

So, much like that post last time this happened, to the lonely girl reading this: we are waiting patiently on the Lord until he comes.  Don't try to make Mr. Wrong Mr. Right.  You can't change people like that.  Influence is good, but do you really want someone that you have to change?  So we patiently wait upon the Lord, trusting in the Lord and soaking all that He is. And when Mr. Right arrives, we continue to patiently wait, trusting in the Lord and soaking in all that He is.

And if Mr. "Right" (really, he's wrong) can't see your worth, do not wait on him to. 

And in case you have trouble with figuring it out, The Difference Between A 'Bad Boy' and A Jerk.

Prayer Time: Jesus, remind us, remind me what it means to be precious to you.  Remind me of what I mean to you.  Remind me of my beauty and my grace and my passion.  Draw near to me and help me to draw near to you.  Thank you for life and for life abundantly.  Thank you for forgiveness and grace because goodness, I need both.  Thank you for sticking with me.  Thank you for encouragement and bravery to confront those hard topics.  Thank you for what you've done for me.  In Christ's name, amen.

I love you people.  Thanks for living with me and somehow finding it in your heart to love me through it all.  I know I say it often, but it's finally over.  And I know I've said it before, but Brenna is back.  Diva is on her throne, full Jesus, full sass, full Nike's, full blogging, the whole nine yards.  I missed me, but I'm here to stay.  Guarding my heart, onward we go.

Happy November, Part 2

"Well, I am a strong believer in (1) love is a good thing. (2) Therefore, something good will come out of love. (3) So as long as we feel love, we will experience something good (even if we get something bad, too).  So love is never a waste of time or emotion."

Cindy is at it again.  Can't even begin to explain how needed those words were.

I've decided that I can either wallow in the fact that I naturally care too much or I can start to embrace it.  I'm choosing the latter.  Happy November.

Day 7-November 7th:
I'm thankful for Target.  Thankful for alone time and space.  Lord knows I need it, desperately and often.

Day 8-November 8th:

I'm thankful for funny, ridiculous friends that make me smile a lot.  I'd seriously be nowhere without those people.

Day 9-November 9th: 

I'm so thankful for family and I don't say that enough.  I'm thankful that I'm wired for community.  I'm thankful that God gave me people to pick me up when I can't pick myself up.  I'm thankful for a sister and a mom that serve as my best friends.

Day 10-November 10th:

I'm thankful for friends, old and new.  I'm thankful for laughs, ridiculous quotes, and the chance to still create friendship.

Day 11-November 11th:

I'm thankful for this country.  Thankful for what it stands for, even if we are losing what we stand for.  Thankful for the people, the land, and those serving to give me life.  I'm fully aware that I take this one for granted often.

Day 12-November 12th:

I'm thankful for words.  I'm thankful that words can explain emotions.  I'm thankful that I'm comfortable to be alone and to rest.  Thankful for the ability to read and to appreciate literature.

Day 13-November 13th:

I'm thankful for my car.  Thankful that I can come and go as I please.  Obviously November is a time where I've needed lots of alone time.

Day 14-November 14th:

I'm thankful for sweet, encouraging souls.  Thankful that people believe in me when I don't believe in myself.

Day 15-November 15th: 

I'm thankful for birthdays, even when they aren't mine.  I'm thankful for the opportunity to celebrate life because it is really dang worth celebrating, even when it's pretty crappy.

Day 16-November 16th: 

I'm thankful for a mom that believes in retail therapy.

Day 17-November 17th:

I'm thankful that divorce is hardly a factor in tearing a family apart if you don't let it.  I'm thankful that my family is civil enough to get together and to love on each other.  I'm also thankful for tough conversations.  I don't see it now, but someday, I'll be better because of them.

Day 18-November 18th:

I'm thankful for good music.  I'm thankful that it can lift spirits.  I'm thankful that it can cleanse souls and refresh hearts.  I'm thankful for words that are too dramatic for emotions that are out of hand.  I'm really thankful for good music.

I Wanna Dance With Somebody by Ben Rector

November is rough, rough, rough.  I appreciate your prayers.  We'll get through this.

19 Things We've Seem to Have Forgotten About

what are we doing with our lives?

really.  are we doing what matters?  are we spending time with the right things and ignoring the wasteful things?  are we stressing over ridiculous things when greater things have yet to come?  I'm stumped by this question lately and my only prayer is that this begins to burden your heart in the same way that is has burdened mine.

It's easy, really easy, to get caught up in the routines of our lives.  We all fall victims to it: wake up, shower, get dressed, go to class/work, eat some lunch, back to class/work, go home, do mindless things (like watch tv, scroll through facebook to hear about lives that you don't really care about, eat some unhealthy dinner), fall asleep, and repeat.

Because routine is dangerous, we need to put the emergency brake on our lives.  We're slowly (because it's a long process to the mundane world) and quickly (because it'll happen quicker than you'll realize) driving ourselves into the town of Burntout.  We all fall victims to this, too: waking up one day and thinking, "I need some adventure."  We crave change.  We crave new.  Something crazy, something exciting, something wild.  Maybe it's just me, but this happens nearly daily.

With that said, here's a list of 19 things that I think we need to rediscover the art of, make time for, and become content with.

1.  Breakfast.  Make time to eat breakfast.  And I don't mean swinging through the McDonald's drive-thru when you just happen to wind up with an extra ten minutes before work and I definitely don't mean skipping breakfast.  But really, truly sitting down to enjoy your breakfast.  Taste, rather than inhale.  Prepare your mind for the day.  When we get going in the constant state of go-go-go, we lose sight of calm stuff.

2.  Stop when the light is only yellow.  Sure, the cars behind you might honk horns and roll their eyes, but I think you owe it to yourself (and quite frankly, to the impatient drivers behind you, even if it's me) to take a break (or to make them take a break).  Instead of speeding up ten mph, slow down and calm down.

3.  Dig through your sock drawer for those fuzzy socks.  You need a laugh and smile and be happy and fuzzy socks help.

4.  Make time to sip hot drinks with cool people.  Starbucks is open a lot.  Make time to sit with people that care about you.

5.  Choose the good book over studying.  College degrees and work are important, but so is literature.

6.  Speaking of literature, take time to appreciate words.  Read quotes, read poems, read anything and everything.  Street signs, billboards, advertisements, dusty books in your bookshelf, forgotten magazines under your bed.  

7.  Eat sweets.  Lots of sweets.  Gain some weight, do what you want.  When you leave, your body doesn't go with you.  Be happy.  

8.  Ask for what you deserve.  You're not invalid in knowing that you deserve better.  Don't hold back.  Your happiness matters.

9.  Discuss those hard topics.  And be passionate about what you believe in.  If you're struggling with how someone is treating you, be able and willing to debate your point and hold your ground.  Your opinions matter.  Talk and talk and talk.  

10.  Visit home-the place where your heart lies- way too often.  Twice in one week if necessary.  You owe it to yourself to make your heart happy.

11.  Buy the purse that's $5 on clearance.  Buy the shoes that are only $8 and the only pair in your size.  It's not bad to spend money on yourself.

12.  Get a tattoo.  Pierce something.  Dye your hair.  Cut your hair.  Wear that weird outfit.  Be individual and be different.  If you're blessed enough with the ability to be different (which we all are.  Jeremiah 1:5), then why do we try so hard to be "normal"?  What is normal anyway?

13.  Don't think too much.  Often times, trying to reason for things that we don't have a totally clear head on is what screws us up.  It's okay to not understand why you're doing something.  Use wisdom.

14.  Make time to physically see people.  Even if it means driving a long way or rearranging your whole routine (that isn't worth anything anyway) to do it, make it happen.  It'll mean a lot to you and it'll mean a lot to them.

15.  Snapchat your least attractive face.  We all know you're beautiful anyway.

16.  Write.  Write words and thoughts and notes and letters and reminders (both for yourself and for others) and draw and doodle and scribble.  This is a forgotten art.

17.  Buy yourself some flowers.  It's not pathetic, it's considering yourself worth it.  

18.  Relax.  Just chill.  Take a moment to slow the heck down.  

19.  think deeply (but not overly).  love hard.  pray a lot.  forgive often.  show grace.  be kind.  laugh and laugh and laugh.  take a deep breath.  be ridiculous.  use your imagination.  tell yourself that it'll be okay.  read articles.  love the good in people.  



really, just make yourself happy.  remember what matters (YOU).  don't feel bad if you don't think you should.  don't say sorry if you're not.  make friends.  make love.  make happiness.  and never ever forget that you're worth it.

Humble Pie and Monday Perspectives

I cannot even begin to imagine how frustrating it would be to be God.  Even more so than that, how frustrating it would be to be God to someone like me.  Often times, I even get on my own nerves.

Waking up this morning was easy.  After a perfectly exhausting weekend, deciding to go to sleep last night at 11:45 sounded like my best idea in months (that would be aside from going home and going to Greenville this weekend.  so, so, so fun and necessary).  When my alarm sounded at 7:30 this morning, I felt more rested than I have in weeks, in spite of my lack of sleep this weekend.

Then three thoughts happened all at once:
1. It's Monday.
2. You have 3 classes today, then 4 hours of work.
3. IT'S. MONDAY.

And then, perfectly timed at 8 am, I received this text from my mother:

"Good morning!  Just wanted to tell you that I have already 
prayed that you have a wonderful day and week! 
*sunshine emoji, smile emoji, kissy face emoji*"

There's nothing like a slice of humble pie to start off your week.  As I moaned, groaned, complained, and dreaded my Monday, my mother informed me that she had already been up, despite not having to work today, and already selflessly prayed for me.

In my pouting state, Jesus spoke to me.  Brenna, you asked for this college.  You prayed about being accepted and I made that happen.  Brenna, you asked for this job.  You prayed for that for months and I made that happen, too.  Stop complaining and do the work that I have blessed you with.

[[This is where I see how frustrating it would be to be God.  I ask for things, but grumble when they're given.  I'm not sure what kind of logic this is, but I need to work on it.]]

In reply, my humble prayer was simple: "Jesus, thank you for college.  Thank you for preparation for my future.  Jesus, thank you for a job.  Though I don't always like either, I pray that you would help me to choose joy, despite my grumbling heart.  Teach me to be joyful in the work that you have for me.  Teach me what it means to work as if working for you."

I'm not sure why I've got the idea that I can do all of this alone.  Not sure why I feel like Jesus can only handle the big stuff and that He can't handle the absence of joy in my heart, either.

And if that wasn't enough to slap me into place, here's the Jesus Calling devo for today:

"Do not let any set of circumstances intimidate you.  The more challenging your day, the more of My Power I place at your disposal.  You seem to think that I empower you equally each day, but this is not so.  Your tendency upon awakening is to assess the difficulties ahead of you, measuring them against your average strength.  This is an exercise in unreality.

I know what each of your days will contain, and I empower you accordingly.  The degree to which I strengthen you on a given day is based mainly on two variables: the difficulty of your circumstances, and your willingness to depend on Me for help.  Try to view challenging days as opportunities to receive more of My Power than usual.  Look to Me for all that you need, and watch to see what I will do.  As your day, so shall your strength be."

I think the opportunity to have joy in each day is solely our responsibility, even on Mondays.  We're responsible to make the choice.  We choose to sin.  We choose to rebel against God.  We choose to accept that we are in desperate need of a Savior.  We choose to seek Jesus.  We choose to take up our cross.  We choose to take joy.  It's a simple concept, but we make it much harder by allowing our brains to be clouded by the business and craziness.

This is why rest is vital.  Resting physically and resting spiritually.  Resting physically because our bodies are exhausted.  Resting spiritually because our hearts are exhausted.  Resting spiritually says "God, I need a break and I know you supply breaks."

I know it's Monday and I know it's hard and I know you can't wait for this season to be over and I know we're ready for a break, but choosing joy isn't such a far off concept.  Press on.  This too shall pass.

{Psalm 105:4} Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.

Happy November

It's been about two weeks since I've been here, which is about three weeks overdue.  I've been journaling, worshiping, praying, hoping, and lots and lots of thinking.  To say that this time of year is chaotic is an understatement.  In fact, I've been so busy that I haven't even really had time to feel like myself.  Pretty weird, huh?  I mean, I even tweet less now.  If you follow me on twitter (sorry if you do), you know how abnormal that is.  Sometimes life just gets crazy, though, and you need some space, you know?  I've taken space, perhaps too much, to work on myself.  I'm blessed and grateful that as I work on me, Jesus works on me, too.  I'm very blessed by the Lord's work within me.

Sometimes you just need time to think and stuff.
With that said, this post feels more out of obligation (since it's been a while) than out of my heart's call.  Which means this could go either really well or really bad, hah.  I'm posting anyway.  Pray for me, please, as I try to get back to my normal self after a season of hard.  That's the only way to describe it: boom, boom, boom, one thing after another.  Thank goodness Jesus is bigger.

I'm a little scatter-brained right now. Happy November.  November is in my top five favorite months.  The weather, the smiles, the leaves (and the leaf tornadoes, how does that happen anyway?), the scarves, the hiking, the pictures.  I'm thoroughly obsessed.  But my favorite part has got to be the way we, humans, subconsciously shift our thinking.  When I think of November, I think of thankfulness.  And I know I'm not the only one that feels like way.  I have a joy in my heart that is due solely to the season.  Jesus made me a lady that craves fall and winter.  It's a time of rest and darkness and relaxation and slow words and warm drinks and abundant hearts.  And I sound dramatic, but how can you not love fall and winter?

In the spirit of November, I wake up and my first thought is to count my blessings.  For everyday, I find at least one relatively large thing to be thankful for.  So, keeping in that spirit, I'm going to post somewhat periodically of what I'm thankful for day-by-day.  I hope you'll take this time and thank Jesus as well.

Day 1-November 1st:
I'm thankful for the changing of seasons.  I'm thankful for the fact that the seasons we are in are not the end.  That life continues, that Jesus redeems.  Praise God for that.  I'm thankful for hope that things will move on.  I'm thankful for seasons.

Day 2-November 2nd:
I'm thankful for good weather.  Weather that reminds me that the Lord is good as my heart is kissed by His precious Spirit (more flowery language, I can't help it).  I'm thankful for warmth and for breezes.  I'm thankful for the beauty of nature.  I'm thankful that the leaves change and remind me that I, too, am allowed to change.

I'm also thankful for the way that nature aligns.  You can call it science, but I genuinely believe that the Lord knows when we need an extra hour (daylight savings)- to rest, to relax, to recoop.  It even gets darker earlier.  If that isn't Jesus screaming at us to slow down and to relax, both physically and in His presence, I don't know what is.  I'm grateful for a God that forces me to brake when I'm driving 1000 mph and I can't even find the time to close my eyes. 

Day 3-November 3rd:
I'm thankful for resurrection: Jesus' resurrection, my upcoming resurrection, and the resurrection of my heart.  I'm thankful that Jesus intervened to resurrect my dead soul.  I'm thankful for the fact that my dead heart was not forced to stay dead.  I'm thankful that Jesus is able to intervene.

Day 4-November 4th:
I'm thankful for my identity (even on chaotic Mondays).  I'm thankful for lost and found wallets.  I'm thankful that my identity is found in Christ.  I'm thankful for the fact that I am not identified by who I used to be, but by who the Lord calls me to be.

Day 5-November 5th:
I'm thankful for the Lord's continual provision over me.  That's kind of broad, but I'm thankful for the fact that I can rest assured in who the Lord is and the fact that He will continue to provide for me.

Day 6-November 6th:
I'm thankful for lazy days with friends.  I'm thankful for a break in stress.  I'm thankful for time to escape.  I'm thankful for pleasant distractions, even when they're maybe not my wisest of decisions.  I'm a strong advocate in taking time for myself, spending money on myself, and basking in the beauty of loving me.

Be thankful.  It's November and it's so, so beautiful.


Also, here are other pictures from my life.  It's been a while since I've done this, so.

Yes, I was a Toddler and Tiara for Halloween.  

All-in-all, I'm thankful for sweet friends, sweet words, and the sweet things that the Lord has for me.  I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good, even in seasons of not-so-good.

I really, really, really just love any excuse for an expression to be grateful.  Praise God.

Prayer Time: God, I pray that you would remind me to have a heart of constant thankfulness.  Teach me to count my blessings and not my heartaches.  I love you, Jesus.  Thank you for grace.

"He adored his mother."

Dust to Dust by The Civil Wars

In evaluating my recent bad luck, in addition to thinking a lot about my past, I've thought a lot about my future.  Specifically about my future husband.  Lord, bless that man.  He has a lot to handle and he don't even know it yet.  

It's really wild to think that as I pray for him right now, he's praying for me, too.  He's hoping for me and loving me, regardless of not knowing me, and he's preparing for me.  What a thought.  He's creating himself, whether he realizes it or it's just all in the Lord's working and he has no clue, into something desirable for me.  He's thinking about me and about our future family and about the love we'll share.  And he doesn't even know me yet.  He has not even the slightest clue.  

As Brenna and as a girl, I constantly consider what a guy is looking for in a wife, if I can be honest.  I think it's healthy and important to consider him even though it could be years and years before I ever meet him.  

If you haven't read What A Christian Guy Is (And Isn't) Looking For In A Girl, I recommend it for you.  It sparked an interest in me: what do I want in my future husband?

This post is full of disclaimers because I have a lot on my heart right now.  Press on, I like this theory that I have.

After much (like 20 minutes) of long thinking and consideration, I think it really boils down to one thing for me: he has to adore me.
That sounds shallow and so diva and high maintenance, but it's true for me.  Because from his adoration for me, things have the ability to fall into place.

Dictionary.com defines "adore" as this:

a·dore [uh-dawr, uh-dohr] verb, a·dored, a·dor·ing.

verb (used with object)

1. to regard with the utmost esteem, love, and respect; honor.

2. to pay divine honor to; worship: to adore God. [[DISCLAIMER: I'm not a god and I don't need him to worship me.  That's way too much, even for me.]]

3. to like or admire very much: I simply adore the way your hair is done!

And Google defines "adore" as this:

a·dore 

verb
1. love and respect (someone) deeply. "he adored his mother"
synonyms: love dearly, love, be devoted to, dote on, hold dear, cherish, treasure, prize, think the world of;

_______________________________________________

If he adores me, my past won't stop him because he'll be able to see beyond that.  If he adores me, he won't be embarrassed when I crack corny jokes or make a mess eating spaghetti because with pride in his heart, he'll point at me and say "that's my wife."  If he adores me, he won't lie to me because he'll treasure me and my well-being over his dishonesty, no matter how hard.  If he adores me, he won't ever harmfully lay a hand on me.  If he adores me, he'll honor and respect my wishes, but challenge me when needed.  If he adores me, he'll like me when I wake up (no makeup, way too ratchet hair, oversized tshirt and all) and when I've been sobbing for hours over that episode of Undercover Boss (we all know that'll happen often. like daily. pray for him now. <3).  If he adores me, he'll deal with my neediness, my craziness, and my psycho tendencies.  If he adores me, he'll calm my anxious heart.  If he adores me, he'll fight for me.  If he adores me, he'll try for me.  If he adores me, he'll consider me.  

Now.  With all that said, I'm not naive enough to believe that things will be perfect.  I know we'll fight and I know we'll disagree and I know there'll be mornings where we don't talk and I know he'll push my buttons because I have no doubt that I'll push his, but if you ask me, adoration makes that all worth it.

The part in the definition about "he adored his mother" is what hooks me in.  That old line about watching how a boy treats his mother is no joke.  When researching and defining for this post, I quickly began to think that I was ridiculous for needing a boy to "adore" me because that sounds over-the-top.  
But I was quickly reminded of what I deserve.
I think as women, as Christians, as daughters of the King, as sisters, as best friends, as mothers, as aunts, and as emotional trainwrecks (it's not a bad thing), we often look at our flaws and convince ourselves that there is no way, no how that we are so deserving of anything wonderful.  And maybe that's not everyone, but it's definitely me.  I often see how flawed I am and think that that reflects what I deserve.

Thank God for grace.  Thank God for forgiveness.  Thank God for love.  I know I harp on these a lot, but they're highly worth harping on.  Praise God for continually reminding us of our worth.

Needing my future husband to adore me seems pretty one-sided, but I know that I'll adore him.  I already do.  I'll adore his bedhead and his quirky habits and the way he drives me insane.

I don't know.  I'm thrilled to meet him.  Not because I need him to complete me, but because it's a beautiful thing to find a person that brings out the best in you.  


Prayer Time:  God, thank you for companionship.  Thank you for creating us and building us the way that you do.  Thank you for grace and patience.  I pray that you would give those of us waiting a heart of patience.  Make us patient in that we wait for no one but you.  Show us the paths.  And until he arrives, prepare our hearts, Lord.  Prepare us for love and for trials and for grace and for forgiveness and for adoration.  Prepare us, God, that we would stand against the storms in the promise of the vows that we took.  Help us to hold unswervingly to the commitment we establish.  And help us to know that this is all your plan, good and seemingly bad.  Help us to rest in the fact that you're bigger, greater, and mightier.  Thank you for love.  Thank you for knowing us and for seeking our hearts.  God, I pray that you would make us a people that would seek your heart long before we seek another's.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen.