In Christ Alone
This post is both hard and easy to write. Hard because it requires me to be really honest about my shortcomings, but easy because it's about dang time, even I know it.
If you've at all journeyed with me through my life of the last 15 or 16 months, you know that I've struggled. Struggled with what's right and what's wrong, which way is up and which way is down. I've made excuses for my behavior and I've chosen to ignore the obvious signs and warnings. I've made bad decisions, ones that have lead to this.
Sometimes we have really good intentions, but bad motivations. Good intentions like "I'll help him", "he needs me", "he needs Jesus", "I know I'm good for him". Bad motivations like "maybe I can change him", "maybe one day it'll work", "we can figure it out together".
Let me be the first to say that jeopardizing your own well-being because you think someone else could benefit is a bunch of bullshit. Sorry for the language, but really, I'm not. It's bullshit to think that you don't deserve to be happy, too, that you should put your needs on the backburner because someone else's needs are greater, that you're not worth happiness, too.
When (and if, I'm praying none of you are ever this foolish) you come to the place where you literally say "he might not be right for me, but I know that I'm right for him", it's time to run for the hills and quick. No one is going to applaud your noble effort when you're left alone in that empty space because the differences between you and him finally came to head and it's all over.
Really, it is a brave effort to endeavor into worlds different from yours. But when it comes to your heart, GUARD IT. I seriously can't stress that enough. That random verse [Proverbs 4:23] was taught to me back in 2008 by a random person and it has only since come up everywhere. That verse means more to me now than ever before and I know that that will only grow.
You see, this is the problem. Don't smoke weed, don't drink, don't have sex.
But no one is talking about the issue of letting the wrong people move, without a marriage vow, into the home that is your heart. If you ask me, giving your heart to those unworthy is mentally and emotionally equivalent to living with your boyfriend before you're married. It only leads to your downfall. It's like opening your doors, your goods, your bed, your everything to someone that has yet to make the commitment that really matters to you.
danger, danger, danger. When (here again, praying none of you are as foolish as I am) you do, run, run, run. Guarding your heart isn't being closed off, it's knowing what you should and should not let make your heart home. See, it's valid to protect yourself.
I'm not sure why we, in the modern, radical, Christian world, think that loving sinners is equal to giving away little pieces of ourselves to those that don't deserve them. Don't confuse this. Yes, we are supposed to love the least of these. Yes, it is important to hurt and feel things for those that have yet to see the kingdom of God (really, have we? I think we might be missing it, but that's a whole other blog post). Yes, it is okay to love, a lot even. But "above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it" has become some sort of archaic language to us. Have we really gotten so detached that not even our hearts matter anymore?
I'm just saying that it's a really bad thing when someone comes back (especially for the 789372789th time) into your life and you notice that you close your bible, turn the worship music off, and quit praying.
Take it from your girl. Your heart matters. I'm the biggest preacher of this, but the last lonely girl to believe it. Remember what you deserve and settle for no less. Embrace the sexiness that is your singleness. Embrace the sexiness that is YOU. Remember that you're attractive and that your heart is so, so precious. Meet people. Smile and laugh and flip your hair. Embrace the fact that you are young and fabulous. You are precious and beautiful and lovely and classic and adorable and worth it. So, so worth it.
So, much like that post last time this happened, to the lonely girl reading this: we are waiting patiently on the Lord until he comes. Don't try to make Mr. Wrong Mr. Right. You can't change people like that. Influence is good, but do you really want someone that you have to change? So we patiently wait upon the Lord, trusting in the Lord and soaking all that He is. And when Mr. Right arrives, we continue to patiently wait, trusting in the Lord and soaking in all that He is.
And if Mr. "Right" (really, he's wrong) can't see your worth, do not wait on him to.
And in case you have trouble with figuring it out, The Difference Between A 'Bad Boy' and A Jerk.
Prayer Time: Jesus, remind us, remind me what it means to be precious to you. Remind me of what I mean to you. Remind me of my beauty and my grace and my passion. Draw near to me and help me to draw near to you. Thank you for life and for life abundantly. Thank you for forgiveness and grace because goodness, I need both. Thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for encouragement and bravery to confront those hard topics. Thank you for what you've done for me. In Christ's name, amen.
I love you people. Thanks for living with me and somehow finding it in your heart to love me through it all. I know I say it often, but it's finally over. And I know I've said it before, but Brenna is back. Diva is on her throne, full Jesus, full sass, full Nike's, full blogging, the whole nine yards. I missed me, but I'm here to stay. Guarding my heart, onward we go.
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