Sunday morning, rain is falling

Blissfully, it's Sunday afternoon.  I'm thankful for sort of drizzly days.  I'm thankful for quiet, acoustic music that sings stories I don't know about.  I'm thankful for a cozy bed and messy hair and pizza rolls.  I'm thankful for mornings spent with the Lord and laughs and "I've missed you guys" and emotional weeks.  Sometimes, my heart is so full when I think of all the things I love.  

Yesterday was a long and lonely day.  Those days come.  But I'm thankful that they don't stay too long.  I've said it before, but I'm so happy that the depression [I use that term loosely, but seriously] I sometimes feel doesn't linger long.  And by that, I mean the Lord doesn't let me be sad for long.  Perfectly timed, I always find Him right where I left Him.

I feel a lot of things all at once lately.  Maybe that's what college and being 20 is about, haha.  I love to feel things, but I haven't quite figured out the balance of feeling everything at once.  Sometimes I stumble across things that make my heart hurt and I get annoyed and frustrated and tired that those things still happen and that things still make my heart hurt, but I also think that you need to take as long as needed to grieve things in your heart.  Someone told me once that they give themselves a specific amount of time to be sad about something and then they pick themselves up and move on, and while that sounds great, I think it works until you need more time [and sometimes, you will].  Lately, I've needed more time and then more time on top of that time and I accept that and welcome that.  I'll take all the time I need.

In my last post, I alluded to how things get heavy.  This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart because with my anxiety, I often feel the weight of things.  "Things" is vague, but by that, I mean relationships, friendships, family, classes, grades, the need to be "good enough", the desire to fit in, the storm that I create for myself when I try to be someone else, all of those things and a handful more.  Those things get heavy.

I will be the first to promise that the weight of things is heavy.  It's hard to carry things that are not meant to be carried.  In the same light, it's also hard to just let those things go, even if it would benefit us greatly to do so.  That's currently a struggle I'm having - where to let go and where to push on with those things in tow, even if they are heavy.

Anyway, I survived my first (1/2) week of junior year.  I have officially gone to all of my Communication classes and I love, love, love being a Communication major.  It's been a long road to get here and there's quite the road ahead, but I think I've finally sort of got it figured out.

There have been so many things to celebrate lately.  Which is awesome.  In the last 16 days (getting to Anderson - now), I laughed and cried and smiled and vented and hugged and met and sang and danced and praised and listened and struggled and thought and prayed and I've already been stretched in who I am and who I am called to be.

In addition to celebrating a lot, there have been a lot of feelings to feel [I'm forever stuck in the feels].  Though some of those things are hard, I welcome them.  I think the ability to feel emotions, the good ones and the bad ones, is one of God's greatest gifts to our lives.  I think that feeling is what a lot of it is about.  So I welcome that, bad and good.  

Sometimes (and by sometimes, I mean daily for me) you need to remind yourself of who the Lord is.  Over and over and over and over.  And some days, that's easy and some days, it's hard.  But the Lord is good and I believe that to be true.  So here's to lots of reminding and lots of remembering and lots of restoring.

"Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth." Psalm 86:11

I'm not sure what if I made sense in any of this.  Haha.  I do know that I feel better after typing out these random thoughts.  Thanks for reading.

for such a time as this

"Let the ruins come to life

in the beauty of Your Name.

Rising up from the ashes,

God, forever, You reign

And my soul will find refuge

in the shadow of Your wings.

I will love You forever

and forever, I'll sing."

My junior year started yesterday.  My schedule is easy and that's probably the only reason that I can afford to be blogging at this point in the day/week/semester.

I've been sick for the last week or week and a half, so I've been meeting people with a voice that sounds like a boy's, covered in sweat because I'm constantly burning up, and drugged up on medicine to try to heal myself.

I firmly believe that even through the little things, God speaks.  And sometimes I don't hear it until I come here and try to speak to someone else, but He is always on time, never late.  With that said, the Lord has taught me through being sick that I can't do life without Him.  No amount of medicine or sleep over the last days has helped, but as I pray to feel better, little bit by little bit, I begin to feel better.  Lol at me trying to handle things myself.

With the start of my junior year yesterday, also came the start of me being a communications major.  I've been to two communications classes and for the first time in a while, I don't feel so overwhelmed and I actually feel excited for this semester.  HAVE I FINALLY FOUND WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO, WHAT WHAT WHAT.

Being back in Anderson has been awesome.  Really, Anderson is home.  The life that the Lord has created for me here is a life that I wholeheartedly love.  I have a heart for this campus and these students and the work the Lord is doing in me.  I'm thrilled to be His.

Being back in Anderson has also been emotional.  Things started out very well, but quickly turned emotional.  And for a while (and still now), I let my anxieties get the best of me [please pray for me with that].  I don't even know how to accurately explain the things I feel aside from saying that I can go from laughing and happy and full to feeling like there's a huge weight on my shoulders.  Things feel heavy sometimes and that's hard to carry.  I'm thankful, though, that Jesus chose to carry my burdens with me.  I'm thankful that they're not too heavy for Him.  The Lord is good.

In Esther 4, the Bible talks about things happening "for such a time as this".  That's the belief that nothing we do is ever accident, that there are no coincidences.  That we are called to be His for a purpose.  That the Lord does not make rash decisions, that He is sweet to us.  He is intentional and He is for us.  For His glory, for our joy.

I'm not sure what this post accomplished aside from me needing to put things on paper.  I'm not sure what any post ever accomplishes, haha.  But I needed to rant and talk and rest for a second.  This is sort of what happens when I need to say, but don't know what or how to say.

Thank you for reading.

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13

happiness has looked a lot different lately.

happiness has a looked a lot different lately.

happiness has looked like 11 expectant, eager, frightened faces looking at me and asking what they can do to help, while I try to figure out what they can do to help.
happiness has looked like changing the radio when that song comes on because it isn't healthy for me to listen to that now.
happiness has looked like unpacking and going and moving and learning and lots of praying.
happiness has looked like meeting new people and loving them a whole lot.
happiness has looked like leading a devotional in front of 45 people.
happiness has looked like late night milkshakes and Mrs. Doubtfire and making posters and crying because you're overwhelmed and smiling because you're so happy and laughing because everything is a lot and you're not really sure what else to do.

happiness has looked like Isaiah 43:19 and the Lord restoring my heart.

When I prayed about the word "restore" back in January, I assumed that it meant that the Lord would restore my relationships with friends (good and bad), my family, my hopes and dreams, and my wants and the things I think I "need".  But His restoring has looked a lot more like restoring my heart for Him.  I assumed He would be fixing those around me and the things around me, but it has really been Him fixing me.

I tell you what, the last 8 months have been a wild ride.  It's been fun and sad and happy and hard and heartbreaking and tiring and eye opening.  The Lord has created things and taken things and fixed things and challenged me with things and made my heart hurt a lot, but He has been so sweet to me.

Blessings absolutely come when we follow the Lord faithfully.  I've said that for years.  But I think I can add "and recklessly" to that now.  Blessings come when we follow the Lord faithfully and recklessly [inconveniently, without hesitation, without regard to our own gain or purpose].

I'm thankful that Jesus has my best interest in store.  I'm thankful that He is good, good, good and that that goodness does not waver.  I'm thankful that my definition of happiness isn't His definition of happiness.

He blows away any expectations that we have and we grow through this role, through being His, more than we could have bargained for.  Because even when things seem to go less than “as planned”, He works for our good. And He is good.

Jesus reminded me.

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. [Ephesians 5:1-2]

hi. I didn't think I would be back to the blog before I moved, but here I am.

I'm laying in bed and I can't resist the ranting: my heart is so full. It's been quite a few days since I've felt full like I do now. But sometimes, when the confetti settles, the Lord speaks the loudest.

There are only a few times in my life where I've ever "felt" the Lord speak to me. But now, after my last shift for the summer at Chili's, after a long and exhausting day, after going to get milk and toilet paper at 10:30pm, after making my to-do list for tomorrow, Jesus has burdened my heart with reminding me of who I am and who He is.

I am loved. I am courageous. I am strong enough. I am capable. I am loving. I am worthy of love. I am treasured. I am necessary. I am worth more than gold, I am irreplaceable. I have much value. I am brave. I am not perfect, but He is. I am not good enough, but He makes me be. I am lost without Him and He guides me home. He is not done with me and my best days are yet to come. He works on, through, and with me for His glory. He uses me. He calls me His.

Those truths make my heart overflow. To be honest, I haven't felt like myself lately. I've felt different and I've felt very confused about how to get back to who I was. But Jesus reminds me that all my efforts are in vain. That this season is HIS season and He will do with it what He pleases.

This is a season of love. He wraps me up and treasures me, worth more than rubies. This is a season of courage and stepping up to the edge, only to find that the only way across is down. Down before Him, down before His grace and His goodness and His love. Down on my knees until He is done. This is a season of change and so much beauty. This season is perfectly knit and perfectly orchestrated to be one of wonder.

And I get to watch. I get to play in this mess of life. I get to have grace and love and peace and joy, unspeakable joy. Me, the little dot, the one that feels so worthless and broken and empty sometimes. He chose me. He called me. And He has a plan for me.

If I learned anything this summer, it's that the Lord is good. And even when He doesn't seem so good, He is good. His goodness does not run low and His depth reaches deep enough to even the most broken ones.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. [1 Peter 5:10]

He is good, He is good, He is good.

"may we never lose our wonder. may we never lose our wonder. wide-eyed and mystified, may we be just like a child, staring at the beauty of our king."