the pink pen

After reading back over this whole thing, I'm not sure much of it makes sense, but really, do any of my blogs?  Lol.  Thanks for reading anyway.

My sweet niece turned four on Monday.  If you follow me on any social media or really know me at all, you know that I adore the fool out of Madison.  Few things make me as happy as she can and I wouldn't trade having her call me her cuddlebug/best friend/"my Brenna" for anything in the whole world.  She's cute and sweet and she has my heart.

Recently, we had this conversation:
"Brenna, who bought you that pink pen?"
"Uh, Ward bought it for me."
"Oh. *raises eyebrows* That was bery (you know, like 'very') nice ob (like 'of') him."
"Yes, it was."
"You should tell him 'thanks'.  That was bery sweet ob him."

I'm not very sure how Jesus does it, but He manages even to speak to me through a four year old.  All those things that I take for granted, somehow she humbles me.  I understand that a pink pen isn't the epitome of gifts ever, but maybe it could be if I decided to see it that way.

I've always said that life is all about how you choose.  The good choices and the bad choices that we make are what make our lives up.  I was born with a natural ability to choose the choice that leads to my ultimate happiness.  I think that that is what it's all about.  Not that I intend to choose selfishly because I think that God should come first in that regard, but I do really believe that happiness does matter.

With all of that said, though it may seem frivolous and ridiculous (which are basically the words of my life, so idk), I can value that pink pen forever and ever if I choose to.

I would give a lot up to be able to see the world as Madison does.  I would give a lot up to automatically respond to the gift of the pink pen with a lot of gratefulness.  

The Lord has done more work in me this summer and in this season in my life than I could have ever anticipated.  I've said that a lot and I'll continue to say it.  Though summer is less than ideal for me and I could absolutely think of about 100 things to complain about, I know know know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus has better things for me than I have for myself.  What a sweet gift it is to have someone that values my well-being and His glorification (which, really, in glorifying Him, my well-being is more than satisfied) above all else.  I will never tire of being wrecked and fixed and restored and healed and redeemed.

Life is all about how you choose.  It's about how you choose to see the pink pen.  It's about the mistakes you'll make, the lessons you'll learn, and the work that the Lord will do in you.  

Someone told me the other day that in regards to Ward and I (pause for a second: I realize that I have not officially introduced him to the blog.  With time, my friends), it is "so nice to see you so happy!"  I agree with that.  I am happy.  But I don't believe that it is all due to having a boy sorta in my life.  Ward has taught me so much about life, about the person that I want to be, about the power and faithfulness and sweetness and promise of the Lord.  Ward has contributed to moving some major mountains in my life.  But those mountains weren't spoken to by him and I know that.  I know that this (our relationship) is all because Jesus spoke it into existence.  I know that without Him, he and I would be so ridiculously lost.  I know that, at any moment, the "Ward and I" that I have come to like a whole lot could cease to exist, but that Jesus will forever be mine and I, His.  I know that Jesus begins, works through, and finishes the work.  I know that Ward is sweet, but the Lord is sweeter.

Through this season (the summer, giving money to homeless people, getting closer to my sister, turning 20, Ward, Anderson, college, playing My Little Pony with Madison, growing closer to the Lord) in my life, I have learned more about who Jesus is than I thought I could ever learn.  And I'm thankful for this season, but I know full well that the Lord spoke it into existence first and that ultimately, this is all for His glory.  I'm greatly contented, pleased, and joyful to be being shaped up for His glory.

"For in Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." - Colossians 1:16-17

Isaiah 43:19 - "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."

I have also said this before, but I'm so very happy about the person I'm becoming.  I could credit that Future Brenna to a lot of sources, but ultimately, it's Jesus.  And I choose to see it that way.

For the first time, I'm broke and happy.

“God bless, God bless, God bless.  Thank you so much.”

His sign read “WILL WORK FOR FOOD.  PLEASE HELP ME OUT.”  I told Jess we were turning around.  With tears in my eyes, I looked at a man that had nothing.  Jesus would give to him.  That’s literally a thought I had as I approached the man that had wrecked my heart.

Rewind to last night.  Right before I fell asleep, my head was spinning.  I was mentally calculating how much money I had in my wallet versus what I had to pay for this weekend.  I’m going to a wedding shower in Anderson and I need gas money, gift money, and food money.   And, as usual, I was coming up short and my Saturday was going to be spent on a real tight budget. 

To be totally honest, I always feel guilty when I pray for the Lord to bless my finances.  I don’t give 10% to my church every paycheck (or even once a month), I don’t donate my time or my money to the less fortunate.  Even bigger than that, I’m pretty selfish with the money I make and I can always, always, always find something to spend it on.  And that’s a promise.

Despite all of my shortcomings financially, I know that Jesus is good.  That does not excuse my frivolous spending or my lack of giving back, but I have seen that regardless of my sin, the Lord works for my good.  For that reason, I prayed for God to do some miraculous work in my bank account.

Fast forward to today when I got to work.  It was a sorta slow morning and my gears were turning again as I tried to guess how much money I thought I’d make.  I was annoyed and tired and frustrated because I thought it would be less than I desired. 

Upon clocking out of work, I picked up my tips and was floored to find literally twice money as much as I thought I would have.  I knew that that was an answered prayer.  Despite my irresponsibility, my selfishness, and my downright disregard for the budget that I should be keep, Jesus had blessed me big.

After getting lunch and heading back towards home, I passed that man.  It was rainy, but his sign was very clear.  I turned around, set on doing something with what the Lord had blessed me with.  No, my tips didn’t make me rich.  And yes, the weekend would still be tight.  But there are more and more times lately where I can hear the Lord speak to me loud and clear.  Not turning around wasn’t even an option. 

With tears in my eyes, I told the man to have a good day.  And as he asked God to bless me, I felt the happiest I’ve felt in a long time.

Jesus has done mountains of work in me this summer.  He’s wrecked me up, pulled me together, and pointed me in the way that He wants me to go.  I’ve been selfish about almost everything and the desperation on that man’s face told me that.

The Lord orchestrated all of that perfectly to bless me and to bless him.  I’m very humbled by God’s faithfulness to provide, even when I screw things up.  I’m a sinner, but praise Jesus that there’s grace for that.

God blesses obedience.  I’m not sure about a lot of things in life, but continually, that message rings out to be true.  Continually, answering when the Lord calls leads to my joy.  Thank God He knows better than I do.

“Therefore, the promise comes by faith, so that it may be by grace and may be guaranteed to all Abraham’s offspring—not only to those who are of the law but also to those who have the faith of Abraham. He is the father of us all. As it is written: “I have made you a father of many nations.” He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not.

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. This is why “it was credited to him as righteousness.” The words “it was credited to him” were written not for him alone, but also for us, to whom God will credit righteousness—for us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.” Romans 4:16-25

Thank you, Jesus, for being good enough when I'm not good enough.

Thank God for all I missed.

I remember when I was little and I wanted to be someone else.

I wished my voice wasn't deep.  I wished my hair was straight.  I wished I wasn't so tall, that my hips weren't so wide, that my teeth were straighter.  I wished that I played soccer or softball.  I wished for popular friends and a big house with a pool and for my parents to be together & happily married.  

I pictured my future life like something from a movie.  I would go to school and study to be a doctor or a teacher or something normal.  I would be married by 23, kids by 25, and I would have lots of money.

At the ripe age of 20, I have achieved none of those things.  I've grown taller to 5'11", my hips have grown, my teeth are still imperfect, my parents aren't together, I'm not so athletic, and I'm not even close to marriage.  Oh, and I'm broke.  Oh, oh, and I don't know what to do with my life.

It's funny how that works.  When I was little, I knew what I wanted.  Now, I don't know what the heck I want, but I do know what I do not want.  I know that I do not want to be a doctor or a teacher (hail no, what was I thinking) and I do not want to be married by 23.

I'm not sure where things shifted, but at some point, I became okay with not achieving those things.  I became okay with the life that I would develop into.  I became okay with the imperfections and okay with the not-so-wonderful movie life.  I'm okay with the fact that I do not have those things that I imagined at the young age of 12 that I needed.

I can testify that it does get better.  The older I get, the more I realize that life has a way of playing out as it wishes and not as we wish, the sweeter it gets.  Being happy with the person that you are and the life that you're living is a very joyful feeling.

I can't imagine being someone else.  I can't imagine myself with the cookie cutter life I thought I needed.  I can't imagine not thinking all the time or not allowing myself the extra calories that we all know I don't need or not failing Jesus over and over so that each time we reconnect, I'm lost and drowning and wholeheartedly blissful.  I can't imagine having it all together so wonderfully that I want for nothing.  

I'm thankful that Jesus knew what I needed much better than I knew.  I'm thankful that He met me when I met Him and He chose to work in me.  I'm thankful that His plan unfolds while mine is happily (and thankfully) forgotten.  I'm thankful for the brokenness I've lived, the people I've met (and forgotten), the triumph I've felt from overcoming what I thought would swallow me, and the humbling that the Lord has done in me (y'all should have seen my ego about six years ago. I thought I was IT).

I'm happy that I didn't get all I thought I needed.  I would be unhappy.  I'm happy that I need Jesus, that I so desperately need grace and mercy and forgiveness.  

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience." James 1:2-3

I'm so happy to not have it all figured out.  I'm happy that I learn as I go.  I'm happy that the Lord continues to be faithful to me when I mess up and that I couldn't ever screw up bad enough.  So happy about all those things.

Thank God for all I missed cause it led me here to this.