Tomorrow, I'll be 20.

Tomorrow, I'll be 20.

Twenty years old.  I'm excited to be growing up (is that a weird thing to say?).  Understand that I love birthdays.  Like, there are few things I love more than birthdays.  Birthdays are close behind Christmas to me and we all know how much I adore Christmas.

[[disclaimer: bear with me as this post is 100 shades of color.  my head is chaos.]]

It's interesting for me to look back to a year ago.  367 days ago, I vented in To the One that didn't tell me Happy Birthday.  I remember that day really clearly.  I remember the hurt that I felt.  Today, I celebrate freedom from that time in my life.  The Lord fixes and restores things and I know this full well.  

I think that the Lord has restored some things between me and that specific One as well.  Which is a good feeling.  I'm not back to where I was 367 days ago, but being able to move on and to be able to talk to said One without those bad feelings is nice.  Very nice.

While Lindsey is away in Italy, Ward is away at camp, Ashley is in Anderson and traveling all over, and I'm home in Aiken, I've had a lot of time to myself.  Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for the handful of sweet friends that I have here in Aiken.  I'm thankful for Lauren and Allison and the others who love me very well and spend time with me.  But I spend most days alone, filling time with random things like blogging and sleeping and reading and watching so much Scandal (and I'm okay with that, both being alone and Scandal <3).  In my alone time, I've had a lot of time to think and a lot of time to be anxious about those thoughts.  

I mentioned in my last post that I know that this time is a time of growth.  I know that I'm here for a reason.  That I'm both made for this and made new for this.  The mega-lesson that Jesus has taught me recently has to do with His sovereignty.  For me, some things are easy to look back on and see the Lord's hand in.  But other times, it's harder to find the Lord in things.  

In fact, if I'm honest, a lot of the time, it's really hard for me.  In this season, this quiet season, my heart has been reminded about who He is.  I used to be really good at knowing and believing in the sovereignty of the Lord, but lately, I have to chant it a lot just to begin to believe it.

It took me trying everything to distract myself from the random thoughts for me to decide that maybe, just maybe, I should pray about it.  Wtf, right?  I don't know why it took me so long to try that, haha.  But I finally did.

Jesus, please calm my head.  Help me to believe, really believe, that You are bigger than this.  Help me to recognize when my thoughts are not coming from You, but rather, from the enemy.  Help me to trust You.

And since then, my misery has seized (drammaaaaa queeennnnn).  Since then, the quiet has been a lot easier.  Not only has it been easier, but it's been healthier.  I've a little bit figured out how to use that quiet time for the Lord and THAT is a beautiful thing to know.  Jesus says ask and you shall receive and that is a wonderful promise.

Tomorrow, I'll be 20.  Tomorrow, I'll be two decades old.  7,300 days old.  I'm thankful that Jesus has made those days matter.  I'm thankful to know Him.  I'm thankful for the hard times and the happy times.  I'm thankful for the nineteen birthdays that have come before this one and I'm praying for those that I hope will follow this one.  

In honor of that birthday, I've complied a list of 20 things I've learned about life.  That might seem silly (I mean, it's only been 20 years…), but I like to think that I've got an older soul (maybe I'm really like 30 or something. #grandmaBren).  

1.  Learning is one of the biggest, if not the biggest, aspects of life.  You should never, ever stop learning.  About life and love and goodness and Jesus and happiness and everything.

2.  People can help you and hurt you.  It's up to you to decide which way that pendulum swings.

3.  It's okay to not be okay.  It's okay to hurt and cry and feel something other than great.

4.  You owe it to yourself to give yourself time.  Time to heal, time to be happy, time to hurt, time to believe.  You can't stop time and it's an injustice to let it pass without being worthwhile.

5.  Believing in yourself is one of the best things you could ever learn how to do (and yes, I think you have to learn how to do that).

6.  No good relationship exists only in text.  Real communication is a very good thing.  I don't believe texting is bad at all.  But I don't think that two people can thrive in community based only on text.  

7.  Breathe a lot.  You can do that without realizing or you can do it consciously.  I think both are important and both can teach you things.

8.  Celebrate friendships and relationships and family.

9.  You don't have to apologize for taking care of yourself.  DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

10.  Even if you don't feel like it, sometimes you should just say yes.  You'll remember the fun you had and the laughs you laughed.

11.  Milkshakes and cookies are delicious.  And even if I shouldn't eat both in one day, I will because I believe in the power of delicious things.

12.  When it comes to speaking your mind, it's better to say it all than to not say enough.

13.  People are hard.

14.  I don't have it all figured out and I thank Jesus for that all the time.

15.  Writing is good and it should be done often.  Reading, too.  Both have lots of power and both can grow you more than you could and would anticipate.

16.  You shouldn't eat at the same restaurants over and over.  You should try new things.  You'll never know what you can love if you don't try.

17.  Perspective is everything and a healthy one is so important.

18.  Not everything is worth fighting.  Your battles should be chosen wisely.  

19.  Be careful.  You hold a lot of power to do a lot of damage or goodness to those around you.  Choose very carefully.

20.  Being a diva is absolutely okay (and encouraged).  You'll never be sorry for being happy.

I'm hoping for and declaring big things over the Year of 20.  I'm declaring big things over my 20s.  I'm thrilled to see what Jesus will do.

Thank you for sticking with me.  Thanks for loving me well and encouraging me.  Cheers to all that Jesus is doing.

sidenote: I'm updating my bio on this blog and I am SAD SAD SAD about that.  It's been the same for years and now, I have to change it.  But yay for growing up!

made [new] for this.

First, let it be known that Jesus is good.  Jesus is very good and I'm very happy about that fact.  My mind is continually blown and my heart is continually wrecked over the Lord's ability to do much beyond what I can ask.

After my last post, I feel like a follow-up is necessary, haha.  To clear the air, yes, I am fine.  I'm emotional about 120% of the time and sometimes, that feels like too much, but I'm thankful for the Lord's work in me to heal that jacked up stuff.  He does more than I know I need and that will never get old.

I hope that as I learn about life and as I share the things that are happening in my life that you are at least a little encouraged.  I'm encouraged when I talk about the things that I rejoice over and the things that I struggle with.  

I think that that is really what life is all about.  It's about sharing those experiences.  I think it's our hearts' natural desire to share and be shared with.  Life is about feeling things, good and bad.  

Anyway.  I think I struggle so much with Aiken because Aiken is too much home.  Aiken is where I've always been. (I promise that one day I'll stop complaining about this place.  Until I do, bear with me.)  It's where I was born, where I went to school, where I found my best friends, it's everything to me.  So coming back here, I'm surrounded by all of those things.  In addition to all the heights that this town holds, it holds a ton of lows.  A lot of sin, a lot of brokenness, a lot of emotion.  And being back here makes all that stuff that I would prefer to not resurface "normal" again.  

For the next two and a half months, I have to really be intentional about the person that I am.  That's the hard part.  Because it would be easy for me to do whatever I wanted, but I'm aware of the danger that that is.  It would be easy for me to blame it all on my surrounds and chalk it all up to the environment.

The Lord has been reminding me a lot lately about what it means to be made new.  I'm reminded that I don't have to be what I used to be, that I am new, that I am restored, that I was bought with a high price.  Cause sometimes when you're in a town that holds history, you need some new.  You need some restoration (a lot, in my case).  I'm thankful that Jesus provides those things.  I'm thankful that He makes me new and that the sin that entangled me doesn't have a grip on me anymore.  I'm thankful that I can walk in freedom, what a glorious feeling.

With all of the rambling said, I know that this is a growing period.  I know that I'm meant to be here and that I'm meant to struggle.  I'm meant to seek wisdom.  I'm meant to fall down some.  I was made for this and I am made new for this.  

Thank you, Jesus, for not only restoring goodness in our lives, but for making us new.  What a sweet, precious gift that we could have never known we needed.  

"So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view.  Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer.  Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!  All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them.  And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.  We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.  We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.  God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5:16-21

Times get heavy.

"Do you trust me?"
"Yeah."
"Do you trust the Lord?"
"Yes."
"Then it's going to be okay.  I told you because I trust that you can handle it."

________________________________________________

Home has gotten significantly better since the last time I pouted about being here.  Life is 100% about the perspective that you choose to take.  My unhappy times were a direct result of my poor perspective. But even with the recent improvement, things still can get rough.

Good things, bad things, not-so-fortunate things.  I'm thankful that Jesus works in all things and that the mess I find myself in isn't the end.

Lately, I seem to have found myself in some really foreign mess -- some mess that I wouldn't have chosen, but I'm forced now to deal with.  And it's been shitty.  I'm not one for language, but I am one for honest and that's really what it's been.

I tell you what, being emotionally exhausted is a very real thing.  It comes quick and hard.  With that exhaustion, I'm trying really hard to have a good perspective.  It's proving to be hard.  It's hard when you feel like you can't be yourself because you're already unapproved of, you know?

Jesus is good and people are bad.  That's a pretty big statement.  I don't believe all people are bad, but some people are.  People are sinful and they make mistakes and they get things wrong.  The weight of that is really heavy on me these days.  And it seems like no matter how many steps I falsely move forward, I take a handful back and I'm back to where I started, if not worse off.

I understand that all that is really vague.  Maybe one day I can tell all the stories and we can laugh and be joyful that the times are over.

I'm not really sure what this summer holds for me.  Actually, I'm not sure at all.  If you asked me, my answer would be that I'll be home and that I'll be working some.  I think both of those are true.  As for anything else, I can't offer much of an answer.

I'm not sure I accomplished anything through this post, haha.  I'm not sure I ever really do.  There's a lot on my head and a lot on my heart.  I've found myself with tears in my eyes more than I would like.  In the midst of that, I've also smiled a lot.  I've fallen back in love with some simple things, like when people mess up the lyrics and when the sun shines too bright and when someone hugs me really tight.  Times are heavy and they can wear you down and build you up.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." - Psalm 23

Times get heavy, but I'll chant that over myself until times get light.

restoration

"As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more." Psalm 71:14

"now, there's a man I could follow."

Relationships are a peculiar thing to me.  And I mean any and all relationships, from acquaintances to friends to significant others to siblings to parents to best friends.  It is all very interesting to me and I've learned a lot about those lately.

I'm officially home.  I'm home for the summer.  I cried a lot about that.

I'm having trouble coming to terms with things, mainly just that I'm halfway done with college.  I'm seriously in love with this stage of my life and I already dread it being over.  I know that I'm not meant to stay here forever, but the sweetness of this time is something that I very much enjoy and will be sad to move on from.

Lots of things have changed lately.  I've officially switched my major (to Communications, peace out, Education) and been given a new advisor.  I've gone on some dates with a really awesome guy (who I like a lot.  he rocks.  and I could and maybe will brag a lot more someday.  for sure, for sure).  I've finished my sophomore year.  I've met people and lost some others.  I've grown as a girl, a woman (there's a difference), and as a Christian.

I have learned more about the character of Jesus in the last four months than I could have anticipated.  It's very interesting how Jesus teaches you about love and about how He loves you through other people and how they love you.  When I feel loved well, my slight understanding for the vastness of love that Jesus has for me seems to grow a little.  And when I do not feel loved well, I'm thoroughly reminded of the love that Jesus has for me and about how good that love really is.  

For that, I'm very thankful.  I'm thankful for good friends.  I'm thankful for a loving family.  I'm thankful for an awesome mom and dad that support me in whatever, however that looks and whenever that time comes.  I'm thankful that there are people who want to know me and love me well.  I'm thankful that no matter how lost I get, I can always find home.  I'm thankful that grace grows.  I'm thankful for community to remind me of that fact.  I'm thankful for old friends, ones that I've known since kindergarten, and new ones, ones that I could have never guessed I'd meet, but I love knowing.  

I'm really thankful for the lessons I've learned about people.  That people are not something to be obtained or chased, but rather, something to be pursued and followed.  I'm thankful for the peace that comes with knowing that it is not my job to please everyone.  I'm thankful for the knowledge that I should be happy and that that is of utmost importance.  I'm thankful for being about to decipher between healthy relationships and dangerous ones.  I'm thankful for people that I want to follow.  That's an interesting concept to me, but if you find someone you could follow, really follow, wherever that takes you both, I think you should hold onto that and never take that for granted.

When I prayed for a "word" in December, I was skeptical.  I naively believe a lot of things that I read on the internet, so when someone said that Jesus gave them a word for the year, I figured I should try it out.  The word that the Lord gave me for 2014 was restore [how I got "restore"].  I'm very happy and very blessed to see that word continue to be fleshed out.  It's been an honor to be a part of God's plan.  I've done a lot of messing up, but I'm so, so thankful for One that restores those messed up parts for me.  What a savior.

I recognize that this is rambly and jumbled.  Thanks for reading it anyway.  I also think that all of my posts sound similar.  That sucks, oh well.  Obviously my head is all over the place, as usual.  My heart is full, though.  And I'm thankful for that.  Thank you, Jesus, for being sweet.