I never thought I would say thank you for singleness (or for gifts taken)

If you had told me a year ago that I would be thanking the Lord for my season of singleness, I would have laughed in your face.  I would have told you that that is the biggest joke ever, that I can't find out how to be thankful for it, and that never, in a million years, would I be happy about it.

I have deep thoughts about how girls raised in the South are programmed to grow up.  I think that society tells us that we are to grow up preparing ourselves for a marriage that will take place in our twenties and that once we obtain that marriage, we will have arrived.  That somehow marriage will solve all of our problems.  Those are my thoughts and I could surely ramble for another few paragraphs, at least, on my thoughts on that, but I'll spare you of that rant.

Anyway.  Because I grew up that way, when I was young, like 7, I set the plan for myself that I would be married young, like fresh out of college.  From there, I would make some babies and settle down, done by 25 or 26.

Alas, here I am at almost 21 with 0 desire for any of that to happen anytime soon.  In fact, if all of that process did not begin until I was 26 or 27, I think my heart would be happy.

With that said, I have become abundantly thankful for the gift of singleness.  When I first became a Christian, I laughed at people that called singleness a "gift".  But over and over and over again, I receive that gift and I'm thankful for it.

In July, I lost a relationship.  Maybe one day I'll stop talking about it, but I've learned heaps of lessons from it, so I think it's worth talking about.  Anyway.  I lost a big chunk of something.  With that chunk of loss came a long season of about 5000 emotions.

Since I am coming out of that season, the Lord has done big restorative work in me.  And I am in a place where I can be thankful for that season because it gave me great gifts that I didn't know I needed.

Allow me to elaborate some.  If I were in a relationship right now, I wouldn't be as nearly as invested in the new friendships I have because my heart would be invested in my relationship.  If I were in a relationship right now, I wouldn't have gone to Seattle because I would have spent my time off from school in a place with my boy.  If I were in a relationship right now, I wouldn't yearn for the Lord, I wouldn't seek Godly counsel (I've had to cause it's literally about all I have now), I wouldn't need community.  The list of things that I need but wouldn't be doing could go on for pages and pages.

Over and over again, I see how the Lord was protecting me and blessing me in not giving me the things that I so desperately thought I needed.  At the end of that relationship, I held onto hope that something would be rekindled, that some fire would be relit, and I waited.  I waited for the smoke to clear so that a match could, and would, be lit again, but when the smoke cleared, it was dark and that fire wasn't returning to me.

Never would I have thought that Jesus would be giving me the greatest of blessings when He broke my heart.  Never would I have thought that He would take away my investment, only to give me another 15 or so that are much more worthy of my heart.  Never would I have wished for that, never would I have known I needed it.

Though I could talk for hours on that relationship and on relationships lost, my only real goal in all of these words is to encourage you to take heart.  I encourage you to wait for the Lord in whatever medium that is.  I encourage you to find rest in His promises because they will always, always, always be fulfilled.  And though I haven't seen mine fulfilled yet, my heart finds the deepest of peace in the rest that His promise will find its yes.  I encourage you to hold to His word and His deep, deep love for you and to rejoice.  He is the giver of all good gifts and He loves you so.  He always gets the glory and we always get the joy, no matter how long it takes for that joy to come.

With all of that said, I must say that things taken isn't always easy. Being single isn't always fun. Heartbreak doesn't always, or ever, feel good. But I believe that there's a special part of His heart to be found in the waiting. In the times where we cast aside our schedules and to-do lists, in the times where we have no choice but to seek Him - He always shows up faithfully then. 

I say it often, but onward we go.  Onward we go because He never quits.  I pray that you would yearn for Him with a fire that never goes out or even dulls.  That you would yearn for Him in a way that finds the deepest of peace in the promise that He fulfills His word to you.  I pray those same things for myself.

So, Jesus, thank you for singleness.  Thank you for blessing me through it.  Even more than singleness, thank you for all your gifts.  Thank you for blessing me even when I don't get it.  Thank you for persisting always, even when I get so mad at you for taking away the things that I feel are good gifts.  Thank you for promises temporarily unfulfilled because I trust your hand and trust that I will see them come to pass.  The best is yet to come and I can't wait to watch You work.

And thank you for the waiting season, because in it, I see you clearly.

2015, the year of enough

song of moses

"But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head." Psalm 3:3

I've hit some rock bottoms in 2014.  Rock bottoms in the way that I see myself and the way that I see the Lord.  It's taken hard conversations on more than one occasion for me to be reminded that I am not broken and that I am not in need in fixing.  

The celebrator in me loves New Years.  The celebrator in me loves anything that is a call to rejoice in something.  I love the call to celebrate any and everything.  With that said, I definitely have a heart for New Years and for new things.

As I read back over my words for 2014 and the things that I declared over the year, I was filled with the same type of feeling of not knowing exactly what to say stepping into 2015.

2014 was a good year.  A long one, a really long one, but a good one.  It trumped 2013 by a long shot because that year sucked so bad.  2014 was full of laughs and tears and depression and long mornings spent on cozy couches and forgotten promises and sweet, new friends and comforting hugs from old ones and cups and cups of coffee and lots of sadness.  Significantly, 2014 was blanketed in an overwhelming surrounding that Jesus is bigger and better than my wildest dreams.  

He showed me grace.  He showed me joy.  He showed me what love, genuine love, looks like and what it doesn’t look like.  He showed me what prayer looks like.  He showed me how He is plenty.  He showed me how I am enough.   Overall, He showed me who He is.

As I started to pray for a word for 2015, there were a couple of things that I couldn’t seem to escape.  These words have been common themes throughout my journey with Jesus and throughout the last couple of seasons that my heart seems to be entangled with.  Words like grace (my favorite word ever), words like rest (boy, do I need it), words like peace, words like love.

All of those words are great; seriously, they’re some of my favorite things ever.  But every time I considered different words that I would want (and really, the Lord would want) to mark the next year of my life, one simple word kept coming back up:

enough

That’s it.  2015 in one six-letter word.  Enough. 

As I came out of the season that I had been in for the last six months or so, I had to do a lot of chanting over myself.  I had to do a lot of reminding myself that I am enough because Christ says I am.  Christ is enough and Christ is in me, therefore I am enough.  He will always be plenty.  I had to chant because most days, chanting was the sole thing that made me try - try in classes, try in relationships, try to speak to my anxiety. 

To my wonderful readers reading this, I'd like to pause for a moment to clear a thing or two up.  Whenever I blog, I usually get at least one response from the people that read it that feel bad for the way that I've felt.  Let me say that I don't write or talk about my feelings in order to break your hearts for me, haha.  I don't write to receive pity or hugs (though I'll always welcome hugs).  But I write genuinely and honestly because it helps me infinitely.  Therefore, if the words I say wreck you even a little be, I encourage you, in the same way, to always be honest with the hearts around you.  The way that we feel and the way that we are broken is a beautiful thing, so I encourage you, in a healthy way, to be real and to sort of break others.  We all have our molds and they can all be shattered.  I encourage you to tell your story and to shatter those molds.  With that said, these words are really real and I pray that they shake you a little bit.

Anyway.  As I look into the next year, that same idea remains, that idea of being enough because Christ is enough, but it has shifted a little – not only am I enough through Christ because of His sufficiency, but Christ is enough for me.  

When I feel depressed, I am saying that Christ is not enough.  When I feel overwhelmed, I am feeling that Christ is not enough.  When I get crushed over (seemingly) unfulfilled promises, I am choosing to see that Christ is not enough for me.

Yet, in the middle of what I feel is His lacking for me, He is preparing a rich harvest in my heart.  Until I choose to believe that He is enough for me, I will not reap the benefits of that glorious harvest.  Only since I have seen my worth have I been able to see that.

Because 2014 was such a roller coaster, at many points, I felt super insufficient.  Insufficient in my etsy shop, in my relationships, in my academic work, in the way that I loved others, in the way that I saw people, in the way that I worshipped, and literally, with my anxiety, in my own skin.  It took a really hard season (who knew that a boy breaking up with me would lead me to this?) for me to come to a place where I could say and really believe that I am enough.

What I’m getting at is that I want to declare 2015 the year that Christ is enough for me.  Even when I don't feel it, even when I can't see how, even when my heart gets broken and I'm not sure what comes next, even when I don’t want to have Him be enough for me because I'd rather sit, comfortably and unhappily, in my pit. 

I go into January begging the Lord to stir my heart for Him and Him alone.  Let me look at the sunshine and see Him.  Let me look at hands of those around me and see Him.  Let me look at the rain and the thunder and the mountains and see Him.  Let me see Him and His ability to be enough in all the things I do.  Let me yearn for Him.

Jesus, help me to choose contentment even when I’m mad and frustrated.  Help me to seek joy and to know that you are GOOD, always good.  Help me to remember that you are faithful and loving and kind and patient.  Help me to see that if all I have is You, I have abundantly more than I need.  Help my cup to overflow in the promise that you are enough and that you will always be enough.  You are my portion and you are plenty.  Help my heart to know that because I've done so well at not believing that.

Mark 1:34 says, “And he ordained twelve, that they should be with Him, and that He might send them forth to preach.”

so here’s to a new season.  here’s to new things, big new things.  here’s to new places to see, places to revisit (looking at you, Seattle; I’m coming back), new pictures to take, new friendships to encounter, new adventures to be had.  here’s to new declarations to be declared, new hearts to continue to be restored, and new words to softly speak or strongly shout.  here’s to the old and the new because the same God is in it all.  here’s to changing tides and rolling clouds and Jesus in the midst of it all.  here’s to thrift shops full of secret treasures just waiting to be found, here's to customers waiting to be encouraged, and here's to calligraphy words waiting to be written.  here's to Jesus being all around me, in the good and the bad, and to me being happy in that.  and here's to being with Jesus through every step.  Jesus, be enough for me.  

#AUtakesSeattle #littlebaySeattle

before making the trek to Seattle, I wasn't sure of what words I needed to say.  I was fighting everything in me naturally that was willing me to set expectations, so, by that, the Lord really just did his thing.

even now, it's hard to find the words to say.  this last week was miraculous.  our labors did not yet lead anyone to salvation, we did not increase the church number to 20 (about 13 up from the current member number), we did not heal the blind and give homes to the homeless.  but within each of us, a tiny spark was lit as we loved and chased and pursued and gave grace and sought Jesus.

I'd like to tell the story of what we did without it being a story (because I think a post like that would be devastatingly boring).  

when I first heard about this trip back in September, for whatever reason, I was hooked.  $800 stood between me and Seattle and I was not ready or willing to let that keep me from getting there.  from September to December (really, only September to October), I raised money.  I sent out support letters, I made etsy coupons, I made custom pieces.  And in 30 short days, I saw the Lord give me $800; then I saw him continue to give to me.

from there, I sat in meetings until it was time for us to go.  I finished out my hardest semester of college, I picked myself up by my bootstraps, and I came out of a really dark season.  on thursday (12/11/14), I woke up at 3am to ready myself for my 6am flight towards Seattle.

good morning, Greenville

good morning, Chicago

each day looked different and I'll spare you of the minute details, but here are the bigger things we did - 

we prayer walked.  I didn't know what "prayer walking" looked like and I was a little more than skeptical.  but for us, it looked like walking the streets of California Avenue and praying for the people we passed, the small businesses we entered, the sin we blatantly saw, and the hearts of Seattle.  it was quiet and it was sweet.

California Avenue

Bill and Cathy, the cutest Christian couple that we met while we were prayer walking.  

we got to pray for them on the street and it rocked so much.

we attended church.  I use the term "church" loosely because this "church" looks a lot differently to me than it did in Seattle.  the whole trip was partnered with the Hallows, a missional-based community [church] based out of Fremont, Seattle.  the Hallows will soon join with a dying church to create an expression of the Hallows in West Seattle.  when we attended this "church" and when I say dying, I mean that there were 7 people there other than us.  seven.  with that seven, Josh led worship and we prayed for the church - for the leadership, for the Holy Spirit to come, for the decisions to be made, for the lives that will be touched. 

we fed teens.  Teen Feed is an organization that feeds homeless youths from the age of about 15-25 in the downtown Seattle area and we had the pleasure and honor of partnering with this organization as volunteers to make food and serve the homeless.  the Teen Feed that we worked at is located in walking distance from the University of Washington.  we saw about 50 homeless people come in to be fed and my heart broke.  over and over and over again, I had to tell myself to pull it together.  I had to remind myself to not lose it.  I was mad that their parents weren't around, I was mad that their aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents and distant relatives hadn't cared for them more.  my heart wept for the fatherless and motherless.  I was mad at myself for the way I complain, I was mad at the community for not helping them more, and overwhelming, I was confused as to how God lets this happen.  

all of those feelings were until we left.  as we walked back up the alley towards our van, the homeless that we had served thanked us for our service.  as we continued to walk, we saw one of the boys we had served, he was maybe 23, crouched by the ground, doing cocaine.  

in that moment, I saw the realness of sin.  my heart broke and my eyes teared up as I saw how rampant sin is.  how conniving it is, how luxurious it is, how captivating it is, how entangling it is.  my heart broke for this boy that fed his addiction.  my heart broke for the season he is in, for the figurative cards he has been dealt.  perhaps this was the most pivotal moment of the whole trip for me; in that moment, I saw how we're really not all that different.  sure, I don't do cocaine and I've never touched a drug, but my lustful, greedy, selfish heart has its own little addictions and, like fire, I feed them.  

we went to school.  this was my favorite day.  we went to BF Day School and served them.  it is not a Christian school, but it is located just up the road from the Hallows' Fremont location.  we raked leaves and leveled books and cleaned wood and played with kids at recess.  I forgot how special children are.  at k5 and 1st grade recess, Marissa and I played "grownups vs. kids" soccer which then turned to boys vs. girls soccer which then turned to just teams because all the boys switched to our team.  it was fun and light and joyful and beautiful.

little boys are seriously crazy.

"girl's" team huddle-

"what's our game plan?" - me

"okay, one of you goes here, I need one here, and I need two here." - a 6 year old boy

we went 73 stories into the sky.  we went into the Columbia Tower, a peak that overlooks all of Seattle.  the pictures speak for it.  

we went to the Market.  the Market is a place where it seems that the world's craftiest, most creative, most beautiful people have gathered to sell.  I spent way too much money here as my heart filled up over and over.  

the Market is also home to the gum wall.  disgusting and awesome.  

I'm leaving out way too many details, but if I were to say it all, this post would never end.  all in all, we rode a lot of places and drank a lot of coffee.  we hung signs about a free Christmas dinner that the Hallows is hosting on Saturday.  I ate lots of delicious food and met some of my greatest friends.  we opened up and got vulnerable.  we prayed a lot, we hugged a lot, we saw lots of cool views and lots of heartbreaking ones.  a chunk of me is left in that place and I'm not sure I'll ever get it back.  we played phrase party at night and shared the gospel by day.  it was the hardest week and the greatest week.  my heart wept for the teen that needs cocaine in an alley to get by.  it wept for the society and culture that honors creation over Creator, the chase of status, for the broken, the lost, the drunk, the addicted, the confused, the hurt, the angry, and the defeated.  my heart wept for those that think the fight is over and lost.  I learned what yearning for the Lord, even in 4 years of seemingly silence, means.  I learned how to pray and I learned how to weep.  

 

Seattle, you were wild and beautiful and magical and overwhelming and filling and depressing and heartbreaking and hopeful and tragic and magnificent.  my heart weeps and rejoices for you.  see you again soon.