Blissfully, it's Sunday afternoon. I'm thankful for sort of drizzly days. I'm thankful for quiet, acoustic music that sings stories I don't know about. I'm thankful for a cozy bed and messy hair and pizza rolls. I'm thankful for mornings spent with the Lord and laughs and "I've missed you guys" and emotional weeks. Sometimes, my heart is so full when I think of all the things I love.
Yesterday was a long and lonely day. Those days come. But I'm thankful that they don't stay too long. I've said it before, but I'm so happy that the depression [I use that term loosely, but seriously] I sometimes feel doesn't linger long. And by that, I mean the Lord doesn't let me be sad for long. Perfectly timed, I always find Him right where I left Him.
I feel a lot of things all at once lately. Maybe that's what college and being 20 is about, haha. I love to feel things, but I haven't quite figured out the balance of feeling everything at once. Sometimes I stumble across things that make my heart hurt and I get annoyed and frustrated and tired that those things still happen and that things still make my heart hurt, but I also think that you need to take as long as needed to grieve things in your heart. Someone told me once that they give themselves a specific amount of time to be sad about something and then they pick themselves up and move on, and while that sounds great, I think it works until you need more time [and sometimes, you will]. Lately, I've needed more time and then more time on top of that time and I accept that and welcome that. I'll take all the time I need.
In my last post, I alluded to how things get heavy. This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart because with my anxiety, I often feel the weight of things. "Things" is vague, but by that, I mean relationships, friendships, family, classes, grades, the need to be "good enough", the desire to fit in, the storm that I create for myself when I try to be someone else, all of those things and a handful more. Those things get heavy.
I will be the first to promise that the weight of things is heavy. It's hard to carry things that are not meant to be carried. In the same light, it's also hard to just let those things go, even if it would benefit us greatly to do so. That's currently a struggle I'm having - where to let go and where to push on with those things in tow, even if they are heavy.
Anyway, I survived my first (1/2) week of junior year. I have officially gone to all of my Communication classes and I love, love, love being a Communication major. It's been a long road to get here and there's quite the road ahead, but I think I've finally sort of got it figured out.
There have been so many things to celebrate lately. Which is awesome. In the last 16 days (getting to Anderson - now), I laughed and cried and smiled and vented and hugged and met and sang and danced and praised and listened and struggled and thought and prayed and I've already been stretched in who I am and who I am called to be.
In addition to celebrating a lot, there have been a lot of feelings to feel [I'm forever stuck in the feels]. Though some of those things are hard, I welcome them. I think the ability to feel emotions, the good ones and the bad ones, is one of God's greatest gifts to our lives. I think that feeling is what a lot of it is about. So I welcome that, bad and good.
Sometimes (and by sometimes, I mean daily for me) you need to remind yourself of who the Lord is. Over and over and over and over. And some days, that's easy and some days, it's hard. But the Lord is good and I believe that to be true. So here's to lots of reminding and lots of remembering and lots of restoring.
"Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth." Psalm 86:11
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