Memory Lane

Sometimes life just seems like one thing after another, doesn't it?

The devil has a way of doing that to us.  As if starting a new job, boy troubles, RA issues, and being sick for a little while wasn't enough for October, I also now have pinkeye or something similar.  Lol, right?  I think it's kind of funny, too.  Praise the Lord for blessing me with a good sense of humor.  And if you don't have one, you should pray for one.  It makes life easier and more fun.

As I evaluate my recent bad luck, I'm reminded of a lot of things.  One of those major things being my past.  Lately, I've done a lot of reading back over my old blog posts- reliving those heartaches, smiling when appropriate, crying because of how far I've come, and sitting on those emotions that flood back in.  

Our past is a really powerful thing, even more powerful than our future if you ask me.  Only our past has the power to recapture us and hurt us all over again, most of the time without us even realizing what's happening.  
I don't like to say "no regrets" very often, because if I'm honest, there are lots of things from my life that I regret.  I don't regret what I've learned from those things, but there are some situations I should not have put myself in, people I should not have let get so close, and feelings about myself and the world that I should not have let myself have.  

It's easy to hurt when we look at our past.  It's easy to get confused and get frustrated and feel sad, hurt, angry, and forget what matters, and so much more.  And if you're like me, or anyone really, I think, you struggle with letting the past be the past.  I'm the first to say what's over is over, but the last to believe that in my heart.  I haven't quite figured out the science of why I do that yet, but I do know that living in the past only hurts you.

Because it hurts to remember that friendship that fell apart.  It hurts to see how much people have changed.  It hurts to see how many different directions you have gone in, regardless of the pinky promise to "always stay close".  It hurts to remember that boy that broke your heart.  It hurts to try and learn to trust people again.  It hurts to not understand.  

So why do I stay here?  Why don't I move on?

My theory is that it's inevitable to a degree.  It's hard to see where you're going if you can't remember where you came from.  But even more than that, sometimes, no matter how hard, we just need to feel.  this is me.  I just need to feel something, happy or sad.  I need to love what once was, even if it fell apart so badly.  I need to care about those things that my heart can't let go of.  I need to finish analyzing because until I'm done, I won't rest.

This is a really twisted logic-that we'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all, but I think it's true.  So true.  
I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, it's just some stuff on my heart.  And I know I say that in nearly every post, but it's true.  I wouldn't come here if I didn't feel like I needed to.  

I also think that it's healthy to think about our past (to a degree).  It's healthy to learn from it and to create a new heart from it.  It's healthy to feel because what is life without feelings?  And yes, maybe this goes against everything that anyone has ever said because we really are supposed to let the past be the past, but I think that's unhealthy.  Let it be the past, but you have to give yourself time and grace to learn from it.  Though your head might heal, with your perfectly scripted cause-effect charts, your analysis of "being the bigger person", and your logic behind moving on without so much as a twitch towards whatever lies behind you, the reality is that our heart takes longer than that.  Our hearts have to process and make sense of things because if not, we wind up in this place of overwhelming regret and remorse for the could-have beens and should-have beens.  And believe me, I'm here often. 

Isn't it interesting how every night we lie down to sleep because we need rest?  We need rest physically, but more than that, we need rest emotionally.  And with confident hearts, we lie down to rest knowing that when we wake, yesterday's pain will be gone, at least to some degree.  Without even considering it, we know that tomorrow is new and that the sun will rise again.  That's faith.  Our faith gets lost sometimes, but if you ask me, it takes a lot of faith, without us even realizing it, to know that the sun will rise tomorrow, without question.  After night, the time of darkness and fear and confusion and a lot of unclear everythings, when we wake, the sun rises, literally light comes in, and saves the day.  Think about that, think over those words.  How incredible.

So I leave you with this (preaching to myself): if there's anything I've learned, it's that the heart wants what the heart wants.  But time does heal all wounds.  Give yourself time.  You deserve time.  You deserve to feel, even if it's unjustifiably feeling your past when you should move on, but you also deserve to have the time to analyze those feelings.  Life is hard, but it's not that complicated.  Be kind to yourself and remember what you deserve.   Remember your heart and love your heart.  Protect your heart.  That doesn't mean to be cold, but to be careful.  When it comes to you, you reserve the right to be careful and never, ever, ever let anyone tell you differently.  You are the only that has to deal with the pain (or joy) of your choices, so choose carefully and choose wisely.  And don't let yesterday take up too much of today.  You deserve new mercies, new life, and to feel new things (thank God often for these).  I love you people, thanks for bearing the cross with me.  Praying for y'all.  

Prayer Time: Jesus, I beg that you would help us through our past.  Those feelings, the hurts, the happys, the sads, the heartaches, God, they're much beyond our control.  We recognize that your perfect peace calms all storms, so I pray that your peace would flood our hearts and intercept for us, God.  Help us.  Make us strong and courageous, fearing nothing.  Help us to live and walk in the freedom that you have given us.  Remind us that you have forgiven us and that we are not what we once were.  Thank you for grace and thank you for offering newness after every night.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen.