"Give yourself some grace, Brenna."

It's a scary place to come to when you openly ask your mom to pray for you.

This past weekend was Fall Break and I have no doubt that the baggage that comes with going home, dealing with people, loving my family too much, and trying to keep my head on straight doesn't help the anxiety and stress that I'm feeling right now.

You know those moments of "what the heck am I doing with my life?"  Today was that for me.  Over Panera, as I ate my frontega chicken and soup and a friend went on about standards for teaching, Praxis, and teaching auditions, I felt my head cloud up and my mind shut down.  What am I doing with my life.

The question bounced around in my head as I tried to make sense of things.  
I go to Anderson University.  I'm an Education major, hoping to finish my time here in five years.  I have great friends and a wonderful, crazy family.  I like myself alright, I would be a mess without Jesus.  

So why does everything feel jacked up?  Why do I feel like Education isn't for me? Why do I stress spending five years here?  Why do I feel like some of my relationships are quickly falling off the deep end?  Why do I continue to feel hurt over the same boy that keeps messing me up and why can't I just let him go?  Why do I feel, so often, like I can't catch up?

It's scary.  It's nerve-racking and panicky and it'll quickly stop you in your tracks. 
I know that I will be happy as a teacher and I think that I have the ability to do it, but I struggle with verification of that.  I know that five years here isn't a big deal, but I dread spending my final senior year here without my best friends.  I can't explain why I put up with what I put up with other than saying that I love, love, love this boy and I can't seem to let him go, no matter what.  None of my relationships are really falling apart, it's just hard being away from all my friends.  
I struggle too often because I think and stress too much.  And to an extent, I know that, but I can't convince my head to catch up to my heart and just let it be.

I guess this post is different because in the same way that I asked Mom, I'm asking y'all to pray for me.  Lord knows I'm a piece of work and that I have not yet arrived, but thank God that He's not done with me.  

"And it's okay to be upset about it and cry and let down 

your defenses, give yourself some grace, Brenna."  

Grace is a strange concept to me because I can't seem to figure out to have it with myself.  I can give everyone else and their mother grace until the cows come home, but I can't seem to come to know how to treat myself with grace--how to let myself hurt, how to let myself be weak, how to forgive myself, how to lower my expectations for myself, how to accept myself. 

Mere contentment isn't an easy place to be.  And I know I should take better care of myself (more Bible reading, more prayer, more honesty), but the devil can quickly and easily convince you that your mountain is impassable.  

Luke 10:20- "However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.”

2 Corinthians 12:9- "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

The best is yet to come.  Praying, asking, and soaking in this.  Love you guys.