"He adored his mother."

Dust to Dust by The Civil Wars

In evaluating my recent bad luck, in addition to thinking a lot about my past, I've thought a lot about my future.  Specifically about my future husband.  Lord, bless that man.  He has a lot to handle and he don't even know it yet.  

It's really wild to think that as I pray for him right now, he's praying for me, too.  He's hoping for me and loving me, regardless of not knowing me, and he's preparing for me.  What a thought.  He's creating himself, whether he realizes it or it's just all in the Lord's working and he has no clue, into something desirable for me.  He's thinking about me and about our future family and about the love we'll share.  And he doesn't even know me yet.  He has not even the slightest clue.  

As Brenna and as a girl, I constantly consider what a guy is looking for in a wife, if I can be honest.  I think it's healthy and important to consider him even though it could be years and years before I ever meet him.  

If you haven't read What A Christian Guy Is (And Isn't) Looking For In A Girl, I recommend it for you.  It sparked an interest in me: what do I want in my future husband?

This post is full of disclaimers because I have a lot on my heart right now.  Press on, I like this theory that I have.

After much (like 20 minutes) of long thinking and consideration, I think it really boils down to one thing for me: he has to adore me.
That sounds shallow and so diva and high maintenance, but it's true for me.  Because from his adoration for me, things have the ability to fall into place.

Dictionary.com defines "adore" as this:

a·dore [uh-dawr, uh-dohr] verb, a·dored, a·dor·ing.

verb (used with object)

1. to regard with the utmost esteem, love, and respect; honor.

2. to pay divine honor to; worship: to adore God. [[DISCLAIMER: I'm not a god and I don't need him to worship me.  That's way too much, even for me.]]

3. to like or admire very much: I simply adore the way your hair is done!

And Google defines "adore" as this:

a·dore 

verb
1. love and respect (someone) deeply. "he adored his mother"
synonyms: love dearly, love, be devoted to, dote on, hold dear, cherish, treasure, prize, think the world of;

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If he adores me, my past won't stop him because he'll be able to see beyond that.  If he adores me, he won't be embarrassed when I crack corny jokes or make a mess eating spaghetti because with pride in his heart, he'll point at me and say "that's my wife."  If he adores me, he won't lie to me because he'll treasure me and my well-being over his dishonesty, no matter how hard.  If he adores me, he won't ever harmfully lay a hand on me.  If he adores me, he'll honor and respect my wishes, but challenge me when needed.  If he adores me, he'll like me when I wake up (no makeup, way too ratchet hair, oversized tshirt and all) and when I've been sobbing for hours over that episode of Undercover Boss (we all know that'll happen often. like daily. pray for him now. <3).  If he adores me, he'll deal with my neediness, my craziness, and my psycho tendencies.  If he adores me, he'll calm my anxious heart.  If he adores me, he'll fight for me.  If he adores me, he'll try for me.  If he adores me, he'll consider me.  

Now.  With all that said, I'm not naive enough to believe that things will be perfect.  I know we'll fight and I know we'll disagree and I know there'll be mornings where we don't talk and I know he'll push my buttons because I have no doubt that I'll push his, but if you ask me, adoration makes that all worth it.

The part in the definition about "he adored his mother" is what hooks me in.  That old line about watching how a boy treats his mother is no joke.  When researching and defining for this post, I quickly began to think that I was ridiculous for needing a boy to "adore" me because that sounds over-the-top.  
But I was quickly reminded of what I deserve.
I think as women, as Christians, as daughters of the King, as sisters, as best friends, as mothers, as aunts, and as emotional trainwrecks (it's not a bad thing), we often look at our flaws and convince ourselves that there is no way, no how that we are so deserving of anything wonderful.  And maybe that's not everyone, but it's definitely me.  I often see how flawed I am and think that that reflects what I deserve.

Thank God for grace.  Thank God for forgiveness.  Thank God for love.  I know I harp on these a lot, but they're highly worth harping on.  Praise God for continually reminding us of our worth.

Needing my future husband to adore me seems pretty one-sided, but I know that I'll adore him.  I already do.  I'll adore his bedhead and his quirky habits and the way he drives me insane.

I don't know.  I'm thrilled to meet him.  Not because I need him to complete me, but because it's a beautiful thing to find a person that brings out the best in you.  


Prayer Time:  God, thank you for companionship.  Thank you for creating us and building us the way that you do.  Thank you for grace and patience.  I pray that you would give those of us waiting a heart of patience.  Make us patient in that we wait for no one but you.  Show us the paths.  And until he arrives, prepare our hearts, Lord.  Prepare us for love and for trials and for grace and for forgiveness and for adoration.  Prepare us, God, that we would stand against the storms in the promise of the vows that we took.  Help us to hold unswervingly to the commitment we establish.  And help us to know that this is all your plan, good and seemingly bad.  Help us to rest in the fact that you're bigger, greater, and mightier.  Thank you for love.  Thank you for knowing us and for seeking our hearts.  God, I pray that you would make us a people that would seek your heart long before we seek another's.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

What Is It Really Like to Be an Introvert?

Before the difference between an "introvert" and an "extrovert" was explained to me, I always struggled to understand why I was the way I was.  Why I often just needed to get away from people, why I got worn out of people so quickly, why I shut down after a certain amount of time.  I consider myself to be a pretty social, happy person, so making sense of why I couldn't handle being around people for a certain amount of time was a struggle.  

This isn't much like my normal posts, but it is very useful information.  

Not that I ever felt unjustified by being the way that I am, but it is nice to see, from another person's point-of-view, the differences between an introvert and extrovert.  I've always thought I was an introvert and this just reinforces that.  I recommend you read it because it will (a) help you understand me better, (b) help you understand yourself better, if you're an introvert as well, and (c) help you understand and respect introverts. 

Alone time is a real good thing.  Even more than that, needing space is okay.

What Is It Really Like to Be an Introvert? by Kate Bartolotta

Memory Lane

Sometimes life just seems like one thing after another, doesn't it?

The devil has a way of doing that to us.  As if starting a new job, boy troubles, RA issues, and being sick for a little while wasn't enough for October, I also now have pinkeye or something similar.  Lol, right?  I think it's kind of funny, too.  Praise the Lord for blessing me with a good sense of humor.  And if you don't have one, you should pray for one.  It makes life easier and more fun.

As I evaluate my recent bad luck, I'm reminded of a lot of things.  One of those major things being my past.  Lately, I've done a lot of reading back over my old blog posts- reliving those heartaches, smiling when appropriate, crying because of how far I've come, and sitting on those emotions that flood back in.  

Our past is a really powerful thing, even more powerful than our future if you ask me.  Only our past has the power to recapture us and hurt us all over again, most of the time without us even realizing what's happening.  
I don't like to say "no regrets" very often, because if I'm honest, there are lots of things from my life that I regret.  I don't regret what I've learned from those things, but there are some situations I should not have put myself in, people I should not have let get so close, and feelings about myself and the world that I should not have let myself have.  

It's easy to hurt when we look at our past.  It's easy to get confused and get frustrated and feel sad, hurt, angry, and forget what matters, and so much more.  And if you're like me, or anyone really, I think, you struggle with letting the past be the past.  I'm the first to say what's over is over, but the last to believe that in my heart.  I haven't quite figured out the science of why I do that yet, but I do know that living in the past only hurts you.

Because it hurts to remember that friendship that fell apart.  It hurts to see how much people have changed.  It hurts to see how many different directions you have gone in, regardless of the pinky promise to "always stay close".  It hurts to remember that boy that broke your heart.  It hurts to try and learn to trust people again.  It hurts to not understand.  

So why do I stay here?  Why don't I move on?

My theory is that it's inevitable to a degree.  It's hard to see where you're going if you can't remember where you came from.  But even more than that, sometimes, no matter how hard, we just need to feel.  this is me.  I just need to feel something, happy or sad.  I need to love what once was, even if it fell apart so badly.  I need to care about those things that my heart can't let go of.  I need to finish analyzing because until I'm done, I won't rest.

This is a really twisted logic-that we'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all, but I think it's true.  So true.  
I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, it's just some stuff on my heart.  And I know I say that in nearly every post, but it's true.  I wouldn't come here if I didn't feel like I needed to.  

I also think that it's healthy to think about our past (to a degree).  It's healthy to learn from it and to create a new heart from it.  It's healthy to feel because what is life without feelings?  And yes, maybe this goes against everything that anyone has ever said because we really are supposed to let the past be the past, but I think that's unhealthy.  Let it be the past, but you have to give yourself time and grace to learn from it.  Though your head might heal, with your perfectly scripted cause-effect charts, your analysis of "being the bigger person", and your logic behind moving on without so much as a twitch towards whatever lies behind you, the reality is that our heart takes longer than that.  Our hearts have to process and make sense of things because if not, we wind up in this place of overwhelming regret and remorse for the could-have beens and should-have beens.  And believe me, I'm here often. 

Isn't it interesting how every night we lie down to sleep because we need rest?  We need rest physically, but more than that, we need rest emotionally.  And with confident hearts, we lie down to rest knowing that when we wake, yesterday's pain will be gone, at least to some degree.  Without even considering it, we know that tomorrow is new and that the sun will rise again.  That's faith.  Our faith gets lost sometimes, but if you ask me, it takes a lot of faith, without us even realizing it, to know that the sun will rise tomorrow, without question.  After night, the time of darkness and fear and confusion and a lot of unclear everythings, when we wake, the sun rises, literally light comes in, and saves the day.  Think about that, think over those words.  How incredible.

So I leave you with this (preaching to myself): if there's anything I've learned, it's that the heart wants what the heart wants.  But time does heal all wounds.  Give yourself time.  You deserve time.  You deserve to feel, even if it's unjustifiably feeling your past when you should move on, but you also deserve to have the time to analyze those feelings.  Life is hard, but it's not that complicated.  Be kind to yourself and remember what you deserve.   Remember your heart and love your heart.  Protect your heart.  That doesn't mean to be cold, but to be careful.  When it comes to you, you reserve the right to be careful and never, ever, ever let anyone tell you differently.  You are the only that has to deal with the pain (or joy) of your choices, so choose carefully and choose wisely.  And don't let yesterday take up too much of today.  You deserve new mercies, new life, and to feel new things (thank God often for these).  I love you people, thanks for bearing the cross with me.  Praying for y'all.  

Prayer Time: Jesus, I beg that you would help us through our past.  Those feelings, the hurts, the happys, the sads, the heartaches, God, they're much beyond our control.  We recognize that your perfect peace calms all storms, so I pray that your peace would flood our hearts and intercept for us, God.  Help us.  Make us strong and courageous, fearing nothing.  Help us to live and walk in the freedom that you have given us.  Remind us that you have forgiven us and that we are not what we once were.  Thank you for grace and thank you for offering newness after every night.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

So Be It.

"Follow your heart, baby."

Wise words from my very-wise and very-knowing-of-how-to-handle-me mother.  

This is kind of just some words that are on my heart right now.  

Because I'm a thinker (aka I never stop thinking, analyzing, panicking over, celebrating, hurting, and so far on), I often times find myself asking for help.  Even down to the smallest of things, like whether or not to text the boy after our fight a few days ago.
Often times, I find myself here, questioning everything: should i? can i? is it okay to? what if? how much? how little?  I've created this plan, a flow chart even, in my head, full of endless boxes and arrows pointing to hypothetical situations that I can respond to based on my emotional self.  Aka I believe that there is a clear and definite answer for everything.

When I posed the question, full of the analyzing I have been doing all morning, to Mom, her simple answer for me was just for me to follow my heart.  I cried at that because I knew that that was the appropriate answer all along, though it always helps to have it backed up by your near-and-dear.

Doing what seems logical isn't always the right answer (of course not because my OCD screams that everything has an answer and it bothers me that everything doesn't).  Logic isn't always good.  Logic says that there is yes and no answer for all things and that that yes or no cannot be debated, no matter what the situation, person, cause, or emotions.

Listening to your heart is evaluating what you feel is right or wrong, regardless of the imaginary set of rules that you've created, and acting accordingly.  Listening to your heart doesn't offer pristine answers, but it definitely leaves you with a peace that logic can't always offer.

I understand that this is hard to track with, but bear with me.  If God had used logic in saving us, where would we be?  If God had done what made sense, where would we be?  If God hadn't listened to His breaking heart, where would we be?

See, Jesus came and sought after us. He listened to His heart, even when it pained Him ("Going a little ahead, he fell on his face, praying, 'My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do you want?'" Matthew 26:39).  If Jesus had used logic, we would be lost and without a savior.

But, hallelujah, what a Savior.  Because Jesus intervened and listened to His heart, we have freedom, grace, peace, love, a Father, hope, righteousness, justification, eternal life, and joy.  We can know all of these things only because Jesus felt that listening to His heart was better than using His head when it pertained to hanging on the cross.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that logic will screw you up sometimes.  It's the endless battle between heart and head and there is a time and place for logic.  But ultimately, some situations cannot be solved by your flow chart. Logic can leave you with broken relationships, unsaid words, and an empty heart and that is not worth it.

Now, there are situations that you'll have to take to head, some you'll have to take to heart, and some you'll have to take to head AND heart.  Be wise and consult the Lord in all of these because Jesus consulted the Lord and look what came of it.

If you're burdened, pray and do what Jesus says.  Don't let petty things bother you until you explode.  Find peace, whether it's in head or heart.  And be okay with using head or heart.  If it means being irresponsible, so be it.  Do what makes you happy.  Be happy.  Do what will bring you joy.  Because ultimately, that's what matters.

this is awkward...

Me again.

I feel normal (and pretty stable? like what?) again.  Blogging is therapy.  Thanks for reading my ridiculous, dramatic, overwhelmed, I-need-help blogpost posted earlier tonight.

Sometimes I'm dramatic and crazy and too emotional.  But if you prayed for me, thank you, because Jesus has already done a healing work in me.



My life is so awkward.  Thanks for bearing with me.  Love y'all to pieces <3

"Give yourself some grace, Brenna."

It's a scary place to come to when you openly ask your mom to pray for you.

This past weekend was Fall Break and I have no doubt that the baggage that comes with going home, dealing with people, loving my family too much, and trying to keep my head on straight doesn't help the anxiety and stress that I'm feeling right now.

You know those moments of "what the heck am I doing with my life?"  Today was that for me.  Over Panera, as I ate my frontega chicken and soup and a friend went on about standards for teaching, Praxis, and teaching auditions, I felt my head cloud up and my mind shut down.  What am I doing with my life.

The question bounced around in my head as I tried to make sense of things.  
I go to Anderson University.  I'm an Education major, hoping to finish my time here in five years.  I have great friends and a wonderful, crazy family.  I like myself alright, I would be a mess without Jesus.  

So why does everything feel jacked up?  Why do I feel like Education isn't for me? Why do I stress spending five years here?  Why do I feel like some of my relationships are quickly falling off the deep end?  Why do I continue to feel hurt over the same boy that keeps messing me up and why can't I just let him go?  Why do I feel, so often, like I can't catch up?

It's scary.  It's nerve-racking and panicky and it'll quickly stop you in your tracks. 
I know that I will be happy as a teacher and I think that I have the ability to do it, but I struggle with verification of that.  I know that five years here isn't a big deal, but I dread spending my final senior year here without my best friends.  I can't explain why I put up with what I put up with other than saying that I love, love, love this boy and I can't seem to let him go, no matter what.  None of my relationships are really falling apart, it's just hard being away from all my friends.  
I struggle too often because I think and stress too much.  And to an extent, I know that, but I can't convince my head to catch up to my heart and just let it be.

I guess this post is different because in the same way that I asked Mom, I'm asking y'all to pray for me.  Lord knows I'm a piece of work and that I have not yet arrived, but thank God that He's not done with me.  

"And it's okay to be upset about it and cry and let down 

your defenses, give yourself some grace, Brenna."  

Grace is a strange concept to me because I can't seem to figure out to have it with myself.  I can give everyone else and their mother grace until the cows come home, but I can't seem to come to know how to treat myself with grace--how to let myself hurt, how to let myself be weak, how to forgive myself, how to lower my expectations for myself, how to accept myself. 

Mere contentment isn't an easy place to be.  And I know I should take better care of myself (more Bible reading, more prayer, more honesty), but the devil can quickly and easily convince you that your mountain is impassable.  

Luke 10:20- "However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.”

2 Corinthians 12:9- "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

The best is yet to come.  Praying, asking, and soaking in this.  Love you guys.