Jesus, I ask for a "good" day

hiiiii

I had a conversation with a dear friend (who needs to start her own blog anyway because the Lord has gifted her with lots of good words and wisdom, cough cough) the other day.  She was saying that she has been convicted lately about wishing and praying for "good" days.  I don't think I could adequately sum up all that she said, but as for me, I learned from that conversation how immature and superficial it is to hope for "good" things because I think that that's what best for me.

I know that the first thing on my mind when I wake up is that I hope this day is good.  I wish that the bad things would be far from me and all the things I love would be near and close.  I hope for days where things don't go wrong.  I pray for God to guard me from those bad things.

I don't think that I consciously do that.  I think that subconsciously, as I live, my view of good days and bad days shifts and sways based on my mood and the circumstances I'm in.  But looking at that type of ideology on paper, I'm embarrassed that I could see my days in such a shallow way.

I would not be near the person I am today without the screwed up stuff I've seen.  Had my heart not been broken by the hurts I've felt, the relationships I've lost, the fights I've fought, the hard conversations I've had, the tears I've cried, the continual bandaid-pulling-off feeling pain that I seem to be stuck in lately - had I not trekked through those things, I would be a much different person.

If I had had my way then, when I prayed for a "good" day, those hurts would have never happened.  I would still have all my relationships, I would never have to fight, hard conversations would be easy ones, tears would only be ones of joy, and that bandaid would never be needed.

Foolishly and immaturely, I have prayed for things to go well, to go my way.  Through conviction and a friend good enough to talk to me about things that really matter, I've thought a lot about the way that I pray and my heart behind asking for things that I ask for.

See, if we always got what we asked for, we'd be in very different places.  If I always got my way, I wouldn't ever need Jesus because things would be "good" enough.  If I always got my way, I wouldn't ever grow, I wouldn't meet new people, I wouldn't crave community, I wouldn't have to work for things, I wouldn't have a reason to blog.  My hurts are what and who I am.  How silly it is to pray those bad things away when they make us.

I've seen a lot of things in my life in the last year.  Quite frankly, I've seen a lot of bad days.  I've seen some of my deepest days.  I don't say that to get pity, but to be honest about how hard this season is.  But when I think now of how my days, even as recent as a few days ago, have shaped me and made me, I'm filled with gratitude.  My relationships have gone deeper than I could have ever anticipated, my love for the Lord and for His ways has only grown and become more correct, and my view of myself, along with my perspective on the world, has shifted in the happiest of ways.

Rather than asking for good days, let us ask for eyes to see His good hand in the "good" and the "bad".  Let us have hands to openly, un-anxiously, and patiently wait for His goodness.  Let us pray for hearts to know and believe and fully well trust in the truth that He is good, even in our screwed up stuff.

Jesus, thank you that you don't always give me what I ask for, but rather, that you give me just what I need.  Thank your for hard lessons that lead to a stronger heart, a wiser head, relationships that are deep and fruitful, and passions worth living for.  Thank you for your goods and your love.  Thank you that you love me enough to be all that you are for me.  Thank you for pulling that bandaid off over and over cause I trust that you have a plan for that.  I believe in your goodness and I eagerly expect it that goodness today and tomorrow and forever.  Love you so much.

And you, too, faithful readers.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.