weighty words

hi, friends.

if you know anything about me at all, you know that I am most obsessed with words.  I like the sounds they make, the stories they tell, the way that they can hurt and heal and help, the way they create things from nothing.

By the third verse of Genesis 1, God spoke.  "Let there be light."  The story continues that as God spoke, things came into existence.  Let there be water.  Let there be land.  Let there be plants.  Let there be lights and seasons and stars.  Let there be creatures.  Let there be man.

God literally spoke into a void, a whole vast of nothingness, and things became.  He said, so there is. 

I hold very near and dear to my heart that we have this same type of power.  That we, too, can speak things into existence.  I've hinted at this before, but that if we say we are happy, we will begin to believe it.  If we declare depression, depression we find.  If we call ourselves train wrecks, we become those train wrecks.  To quote The Medicine of Hope, "we tend to become what we are called."

This is a call to speak gently.  This is a call to watch the words that you (yes, you, Brenna) let pass through your lips.  A call to consider others.  This is a call to understand that the words we speak and think have great power and that we cannot cannot cannot underestimate their magnitude.

I think that, because I didn't become a Christian until I was 17, I have always struggled with what the heck "guard his/her heart" means.  Like what?  I don't get it.

Until recently, I was really confused by that.  I don't think that I have fully arrived at a definition, but I think that I'm getting closer to understanding as my affections for words continues to grow.  I think that "guarding" hearts is often times envisioned as a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.  But I'm single as a pringle and I've learned more about what that means in terms of the relationships I have in the last month that I ever did in my dating days.

Guarding her heart looks like not sharing information that could hurt her - and a lot of the time, this doesn't look just like information that could hurt her ("I mean, it's only a funny story?"), but it's about not mentioning that person cause it hits her heart wrong and not mentioning that place cause that place used to be really special to her.  Guarding her heart is about not gossiping about things because that does no good for anyone.  Guarding his heart looks like distancing myself from him, despite my aching heart that just wants to reach out and say hi, i miss you.  Guarding his heart is praying for him, though there isn't an "us" anymore and that hurts way down deep in my heart.  Guarding her heart is preparing her for the tougher roads ahead in the best way you know how - through love.  Guarding his heart is stepping back and choosing not to take the "easy" road, but taking the one that brings freedom.

I didn't understand this concept until I got burned by a friend's lack of guarding my heart.  As she spoke and shared what she genuinely thought would serve as good news to me, my heart stopped and my stomach fell and I couldn't keep my hands still.  I think that a lot of times, we have this warped idea of what will help people.  As if me hearing bad things about him would make me feel good, like I dodged a bullet or something.  Like I came out on top because I won't be just another page in his collection of us.  She spoke with a very good intention - to make me feel good; but all it did was make me feel lost and confused and a whole new chapter of questions were brought about to be processed through.

I understand that I'm being very vague.  Hahaha.  Sorry if I'm completely impossible to understand.  Just know that all of our hearts need guarding and we should extend that gift of guarding to one another because we so desperately need it.

The other day, in a very physical, proximal way, my heart was rebroken.  This is a story different than the one about my heart being broken by not being guarded; I guess, maybe, the Lord is trying to teach me a thing or two.  Remember that bandaid I mentioned last time that continues to be yanked off?  The other day, it was taken off and for a while, I couldn't seem to find it.  My anxiety spiraled out of control as a flood of things safe went flying out the window.

Back to words.  I think that over the last three or four months, I've shared a lot of words.  A lot of good words and bad words.  Regardless, I think that I have been sufficiently lacking in speaking words to myself.  Sure, I blog.  Sure, I pray.  Sure, I stand on furniture and declare how good Jesus is.  Sure, I believe those things.  But does my heart?

I've given a whole new definition to the words "fine" and "good".  I've said that I was both of those things over and over and over, all the while, being on the verge of a big meltdown.  I know I sound dramatic, mainly because I am, but these things are true.  I've been an emotional wreck and I've used the "fine" and "good" bandaids to cover up my bruises and scars and cuts and aches.

I think that words are good.  I live for words.  But when we use them wrong, we get hurt.  When we use them dishonestly, we get left feeling really bad off.

This is a call to speak honestly and openly.  A call to remember that when we say we feel one way but truly feel another, we, ourselves, begin to believe that lie.

I live for what's next, go, go, go, rolling with the punches, onto the next one, I'm fine, promise, no tears here.  Which is twisted and all because I'm the biggest advocate for healing and I literally give myself about 3 seconds to heal before it's onto the next thing.  But I forget to have grace with myself.

To my readers (and my mom), I promise I'm not dying.  Hahaha.  I'm thankful for your concerns about me, but sometimes, my words are just the things I'm thinking and I refuse to be silenced about those.  I sound dramatic because I am.

This season is long.  And I'm ready for it to be over, to be honest.  Haha.  But I'm learning more and more about how God works everyday.  For that, I'm thankful.  Really, onward we go :)

love you people, thanks for listening to my collection of words.  praying for you guys.