October 3rd

Friday. Friday, Friday, Friday.

Let me set the stage for you a bit.  I'm back in my bed.  I have on an oversized tshirt and pajama shorts.  There's only a lamp on cause I want it dark.  The blinds are open, so I can see the rain.  I'm snuggled under covers.  Upon finishing this post, I will close my computer and turn on Netflix to watch approximately 10 episodes of NewGirl.  Because this week was long and hard and emotional and sometimes, I just have to quit.

Believe it or not, I did get up and do things today.  It seems that the devil is coming at me hard in the little things (remember how I believe those little things can become big things? yeah.) over the last few weeks.  For example, my most recent crisis, my car broke.  It won't start but the battery works, so I think there's something wrong with the starter.  It's been parked in a parking lot on campus for twelve days.  Today, I got it towed to a car shop.  Today, it monsooned, so today, I stood outside in the rain to sign AAA papers.  Today, the car shop is slammed and won't be able to do anything with it until first thing tomorrow.  Today, I won't get my car back (not the end of the world, but I wouldn't argue with things being different).  Of course, today.  Friday.

Sometimes, I am convinced that I blog too often.  But then I remember that I blog because my heart needs it, not for the hearts of my readers (though those matter, too).  With that said, here I am.

Yesterday was my second counseling session.  Both times that I have gone, in the fifteen minutes before, I have come very close to sending an email that says something like "I'm a train wreck and I'm scared to come talk to you and I'm anxious and nervous and sad and maybe depressed and I don't want to open up and I don't think I can make it, maybe next time."  Both times, Jesus has stopped me.  Both times, I've entered the room and poured my heart out in ways that not even my closest loves know and I've cried and I've struggled and I've shaken and I've nodded and I've hurt and I've took a lot of deep breaths.  And both times, I've left with my eyes a little more watery, my voice a little shakier, and my heart a little more emptied, but somehow a little more full, too.  I literally love it and hate it all at the same time.  It's so hard and so easy and so foreign.

See, I can come here and blog about #allthefeels because I can hide on the other side of my macbook.  But to sit across from someone in a room and have them see me in a way that no one else sees me stresses me the heck out.  And while it is brutal and scary and a little heartbreaking, I do it because I leave with this sense of peace and okayness.  I never realized that the walls around my heart were so concreted, but I see that they are.

As soon as I start to think that the season I'm in is nearing an end, it continues.  I'm not totally sure what that means, but the Lord is hammering specific things into me and through different trials and problems and circumstances, I continue to be revealed the same things.  If that makes sense.  I'm going through different things, but it's all to teach me the same thing(s).  That's why I call this - whatever this is - a "season" and why I call it only one season.

As this season continues, I'll catch you up on some things.

I have officially raised 27% of my money needed for Seattle.  This rocks because it was done in 11 days.  I cannot get over how good the Lord has been in His faithfulness to provide for me.

I'm adjusting to the new normal with my medicine.  First, I love it.  I love it so much.  It doesn't take my anxiety away, but it lessens the emotional intensity that I feel to it, which I love.  I don't think I could properly explain how good it has been for me.  I feel healthier, happier, and like I have a better grip on my life.  Secondly, while I love it, I also am struggling with figuring out who I am now.  I know that I'm still the same person (and my anxiety that rears its ugly head when I come across things unmanageable and overwhelming is definitely evidence that I'm still the same) - I'm still a 20 year old girl that cannot seem to control things, one that cries a lot, hurts a lot, and feels a lot; one that gets so sad from time to time, one that has such a full heart at other times, one that gets stressed.  But because my anxiety is less, I feel more comfortable around people.  Because my anxiety is less, I'm less terrified to be honest with others.  Because my anxiety is less, I feel less passive.  These are all adjustments that I'm wrestling with.

I feel emotionally more stable today than yesterday and more yesterday than other days, like Monday.  It's been a long time coming and a long 10 months, but here we are.

There is one thing (Jesus) and sometimes a few things when I'm feeling real introverted (Sonic happy hour, long drives to nowhere, the softness of my sheets) that I maybe love more right now than the people around me.  That sentence might be really confusing, but oh well.  I am so loved and my heart cannot control it.  I cannot wrap my head around the sweetness that surrounds me.  My friends ROCK, capital r-o-c-k.  I don't know how it could get better than them.

Through a number of things, I've been really convicted of the sin in my life.  Thank goodness for Jesus because my heart is a nasty, messy place.

In short, Jesus is working mountains in my life.  Building some up, while tearing other ones down.  And it's hard.  It's really hard.  But it's good and I'm thankful.

I'm gonna stop here because I could ramble for a long time, but I need to go collect myself.  Hahaha.  I always need to.  Thanks for reading this, thanks for loving me well.  The last year has been long and hard and good and bad and fun and challenging and just about every other adjective, but I'm thankful for it.  Thank you, Jesus, for grace.  The Lord is so kind to us.