There is a different way, though. We are meant to live freely with promises that stir our expectancy without attaching boundaries and walls to define its form and time. While expectations confine us to control what's happening, expectancy builds faith and hope for what God is doing and how he will do it.
Ditch the stuff that strangles life and freedom from God's move in your season. And wait expectantly knowing this: he is moving and doing a new thing, and you will see his goodness in this land." - Waiting Expectantly
Right now, I should be studying for my test. I should be getting ready for lunch. I should not be blogging. But alas, here I am. My counselor told me the other day that if we don't take care of our mental health, everything else falls apart. I tend to ignore my mental health when I get busy. But I can attest to the fact that when mental health is in shambles, so is everything else. I've had to take oil pulling back up because I feel all of my stress in my jaw and my body hurts.
So here I am. "Here I am" has sort of been my mentality for the last month or so. I feel like I'm just floating from one thing to another. I've made countless to-do lists, spent hours in front of canvases and textbooks, gone to a lot of meetings, and missed out on too big of a number of hours of sleep.
I say this a lot, but I have been struggling, friends. Being on medication is a very real thing. I'm not sure how to adequately describe it, but over the last month, I have felt annoyed with myself, frustrated with my progress, excited about feeling better, then disheartened because some days, I don't feel better, hurting because of burdens, and mostly just done and tired. I'm tired of being. That sounds really dramatic because it is. I don't mean that I don't want to live anymore. No way, not at all is that what I'm saying. But I'm just tired of feeling so many things and trying to process through them all and feeling like I can't.
I think that the root of a lot of my recent frustration and annoyance and hurting stems from my expectations. I had high expectations for how this season would look. I expected to be a new person, I expected to be better, I expected to be happy, I expected my life to be easier. In a lot of ways, I have been those things. But in other ways, I couldn't feel farther from those things.
I guess what I mean is that this season is a hard adjustment. A really hard one. It's been long, so so long. And I just feel so tired.
Back to that expectations things. I've been hearing over and over lately that expectations are a bad thing. I have learned and I hope that I am proof to you that yes, they are. Expectations lead to disappointment. Which I have felt the weight of.
Rather than seeking to have expectations, we should seek to have expectancy. Expectations say "this is the plan", while expectancy says "I don't know the plan, but I'm going where you say, Jesus." Expectations are creating our own will, but expectancy understands that that right is the Lord's alone. Expectations drag us down, while expectancy gives us hope.
In the midst of my meltdown, I have felt immensely blessed. Jesus has been very kind to me. Last night, I officially reached my Seattle fund needed. Which means that in 30 days, I saw the Lord bless me with $800. Eight hundred whole dollars. In addition to that, I've received 7 or 8 etsy orders. I've passed tests that I didn't study for, turned in projects that I was less than content with, and received blessings that I foolishly did not pray for.
I guess I could really sum up the last month or so by saying that Jesus is really good. I know I always say that, but I pray I never stop remembering it. In the midst of craziness, my response is "yes, Jesus".
I've learned a lot lately. I've learned about how kind the Lord is. He has given me things that He didn't need to. He has loved me tenderly. I've learned about how important taking care of the mind is. I've learned about what I am and am not capable of. I've learned that my life needs structure, and when I do not have it, I feel most anxious. I've learned that the Lord uses me really well when I feel screwed up and broken and lost. I've learned that He is most patient, most sweet, and most gracious. I've needed a lot and He has, over and over, given me all I need.
Mark 11:24 says that whatever we ask in prayer, if we believe that we have received it, it will be ours. Romans 8 says that the Lord hears our wordless groans. I think that those can work together. Sometimes, we don't know what to pray for; in those times, the Spirit hears us. When we can't form words, He hears us. Our boldness to ask for what we want from the Lord leads to our blessing. How much differently would our lives look if we asked for the things we desire, purely out of faith that God will do what He has promised?
Here's to tiredness. Here's to long seasons. Here's to hard times because we trust in and know that they will produce fruit. Here's to doing away with the beliefs that we are not good enough, strong enough, or worthy enough. Here's the taking Jesus at His word. Here's to YES, JESUS and trusting His goodness today and to doing the best that we can. We aren't perfect, but we know who is and we find our hope in Him and in His finished work. Onward [emotionally, stressfully, tiredly, but excitedly], we go - heads held up, hope in our hearts, trust in every step, and prayers continually guiding us.
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible." Hebrews 11:1-3
thanks for loving me so well.
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