he meets me in my weakness.

"There is nothing better than Jesus Christ. There is nothing more valuable, nothing lovelier, nothing we should have our minds on, our hearts on, our thoughts on, that’s bigger and better than Jesus Christ. He is before all things and in him all things hold together.” - Matt Chandler

Today (well, yesterday. it's after midnight) officially marks one month back in Anderson.

In the month that I've been back in this place I call home, I've prayed, rejoiced, celebrated, cried, hugged, hurt a lot, laughed to tears, made new friends, forgotten other friends, gone to church, received good words, felt the weight of things unhandle-able, gone to counseling, and slept many less hours than I would like.

The last month has been hard.  It's been challenging.  I've experienced growth in more ways than I could have anticipated.

Anxiety is very real.  If there's anything I've learned, it's that.  Through a number of things, I'm learning to confront my anxiety head on.  I've learned that it doesn't have to control me, that I have a say in my own life.

I've started going to counseling.  It's only been one session, but I can already see that it's good for me.  It's good for my head and for my heart.  I've learned to name the things I feel.  I'm writing down the things that cause my anxiety to come, so it's taught me to give my burdens a name.  Calling them my "stress" or my "worries" or my "weight" is too vague and too consuming, if that makes sense.  Satan needs a name in our lives.  In my life, in this season, satan is my anxiety.  Beyond that, the things that bring my anxiety to a forefront need to be recognized.

Last time, I alluded to how things look bad when I look around.  I think, that to an extent, that's true, but that I don't have to feel the weight of all of the things outside of my control.  Through counseling, I'm beginning to realize that I have an insatiable need for control and an insatiable need for perfection.  Neither of these things are fair to myself or to those around me.  Also, neither of those things are what Jesus came for.  What an injustice it is for me to demand things that God doesn't even demand.  How foolish.  I'm working on it.  And by that, I mean, I'm praying and Jesus is working on me.

I'm thankful that he does that.  that he likes us enough to delight in us.  that he seeks us enough to come to us in our weakness.  that he finds us where we are and lovingly holds us while we try to pull it together.  In this season of anxiety, I've learned that God is a god of astounding comfort.  Not only that he comforts me when I feel chaotic, but that he delights in knowing me and in being with me.  that he really is jealous for me, that he wants me to desire him like he desires me.  that he loves me and loves me with a love that does not cease.  he loves me enough to buy me and call me righteous because of the price paid for me.

It might sound silly, but I had to remind myself today that I am not drowning.  That I never was.  That even when it feels like I am, I'm not.  That even when I can't figure it out, Jesus intervenes and wins for me.  Gosh, does he win for me.

On September 18th, in ten days, I'll have been baptized for 3 years.  I cannot begin to summarize what the Lord has done.  If there were any one fact of him that I have learned, if I could pick just one, it would be that he will always always always be sufficient.  I cannot look back on the last three years and say, at any point, that the Lord was not enough for me.  He is never shy of being enough.

There's this awesome quote by Matt Chandler that says it perfectly: "If you will be honest about your life, you will admit that God has never failed you. He has never let you down. He may not have always given you what you wanted or orchestrated your life according to your desires or taken your advisement on His providential care for you, but when it comes down to it, He has never, ever failed you. You may have felt distant from God at times, but He’s never abandoned you. He has never left you or forsaken you. You have never been without His love and sovereign care." what good news.

Thank you, Jesus, for always being more than enough.  Thank you for coming to me in my weakness.  Thank you for being enough when I feel like I could never be enough.  Thank you for patience with me.  Thank you for loving me deeper than I know.  Thank you for that promise, that hope.  Thank you for casting out our demons and calming our fears.  Thank you for abounding grace.  Thank you for comforting me always.  You are big enough and I choose to believe that.

bit by bit

This post will be more like a devotional than anything else, but we all know that I'm a firm believer in declaring truths over yourself.  

I feel like I've seen a lot of sin this week.  I've been surrounded by it, I've heard about it, I've read about it.  I usually try to shelter my ears from things like that.  That may not be the best way to handle things, but it's the reason I don't watch the news.  It's like everywhere you look, there's bad.  It's just bad, bad, bad and you can't find any good.  That's what this week has felt like.  It's been a good week for me, a great week even.  I have loved this week.  I have felt so good these last handful of days.  But the things around me (and I mean some things on campus and things in my town and things in this nation and things around the world) are crumbling and I'm not totally sure how to deal with that.  It's hard to watch and even harder to stand up to.  Pull up USA Today and you'll see what I mean.  That is heavy and hard stuff.

Tonight at BCM, we sang about how no weapon formed against us will prosper.  As we shouted and declared and believed those words, Jesus pulled on my heartstrings.

No bad news formed against me will prosper.
No anxiety formed against me will prosper.
No depression formed against me will prosper.
No sickness formed against me will prosper.
No confusion formed against me will prosper.
No heartbreak formed against me will prosper.
No fear formed against me will prosper.
No death formed against me will prosper.
No awkward situation formed against me will prosper.
No trial formed against me will prosper.

Some of those seem a little silly, but it is so true.  I think, often times, we know that nothing can seperate us from the Lord and in our heart of hearts, we really believe that, but we are foolish and easy to convince ourselves that the storms of our lives are too big.  That these random, seemingly silly things are not what that verse meant.  That Jesus didn't come to handle little things, he came solely for the big things, like the world's sin.  As if those little things are not meant to mess with our relationship with the Lord, too.

I think that it's important to give the devil a name in our lives.  The devil is the anxiety I feel.  The devil is the heartbreak I feel.   The devil is the awkward situation I dread and run from.  The devil is alive and active and until we recognize that, we drown in our little things. 

I'm not sure I'm making sense and I'm not sure how to convey what I want.  
At some point, the little things become the big things.  They tumble and tumble down the hill until they're like this huge ball of chaos and it's too much.  Those are the things that will not prosper against us.  

I believe that anytime satan steps in to thwart us, even a little bit, from doing what the Lord would have us do, that is what Isaiah was talking about when he said that no weapon formed against us will prosper.  Because even in the little bits, we feel and we hurt and we struggle.  And those little bits, little bit by little bit, can make up a big bit.  And that bit will seek to separate us from the Lord.  That big bit drives a wedge between us and Jesus.

The Lord is not only bigger, He's better.  It's never been a battle of size or capacity, but it's always been a battle of the depth of love.  That Jesus loves us enough to come, to live, to suffer, to die, to be raised, and to sit beside the father on our behalf.  What a glorious, wonderful, perfect-but-so-not-perfect picture that is.

Jesus sees you and he sees me.  He sees where we're at and he meets us there.  He came to us in our death, when we were literally dead, and he comes to us in our weakness and he loves us there.  He loves us when we're right and when we're wrong and when we're too confused to figure it out and when we're not sure whether we want to be right or wrong.  He loves us when our bits gets too big and he loves us when we let those bits tumble over us.  

Singularly, my bits aren't that big.  But collectively, that's a mess and that's hard.  Jesus came for those bits to be beaten. 

Jesus, thank you for coming.  thank you for interceding.  thank you for seeing me and loving me deeply.  thank you for raising me above my little messes and my big mess.  thank you for grace and patience.  thank you for loving me all the same.  thank you in my right doing and in my wrong doing. thank you for accepting me.  thank you for giving me ears to hear and a heart to listen that you love me that much and more than enough.  thank you that no weapon formed against me prospers.  you are so sweet.

And if not, He is still good

"People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be.  When I look at a sunset, I don't find myself saying, 'soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner'.  I don't try to control a sunset.  I watch with awe as it unfolds." 

- Carl Rogers

Lately, I've learned a lot about that.  I've learned about having patience with myself and with others.  I've learned a lot about meeting people where they are and not where you want them to be.  I've learned about loving myself here - in this season, in this place, in this moment.  There's a quote that is hanging in my bathroom that says this: "Wisdom means to choose now what will make sense later. I am learning everyday to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me.”  That though there is a gap between me now and ideal me, I will choose to let that gap encourage me forward instead of hinder me backward.

"appreciate where you are in your journey, even if it's not where you want to be.  

every season serves a purpose."

Grace is a good thing.  I've been shown so much grace and I've given some grace, too, but I often times deny giving myself grace.  That's a dangerous place to be.  We must, must, must accept ourselves as we are.  We must love ourselves too much to stay where we are, but we must accept ourselves always and continue to move forward always.

I've received a lot of good words lately.  My heart has been so encouraged by those around me, the things I stumble upon, and the goodness that the Lord has sent my way.  How sweet He is.

I have said it before and I'll say it again: I love this season.  Some days, I love it more than others, and quite honestly, a lot of days, I hate it.  But how good it is to dwell in the shelter of the Lord.  He protects us from the storms, but lets us feel the rain.  The hard things that we think we can't handle, we can.  I'm so thankful for this growth.

To give a quick update on my life: days are hard and days are a lot.  I say both of those together because every single day is hard and every single day is a lot.  Some days are good and some are bad and I'm still learning the balance of that.  Sometimes, I think that because I love Jesus, I shouldn't struggle the way I do.  But I'm learning the balance of that, too - that just because I know the goodness of the Lord does not mean that I won't face things that feel too big. 

There are things that I would change if I could, but I'm learning how to accept those things.  I'm learning that He is good and that He knows better than I do, even when I'm surely convinced that I know best.  I'm thankful that the Lord is patient with me in those times.  

I say all of these things because often times, I need to process to know that I know these things... if that makes any sort of sense.  Verbalizing things that the Lord is teaching me helps me to know them.  Otherwise, where does everything go? 

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Jesus, thank you that you are good.  Thank you for the people around me, the love that is so evident to me, and the grace that you always always always have for me.  Thank you for bad days and good days.  Thank you for holding things together when I can't figure out how to.  Thank you for loving me enough to fight for me and call me yours.  Thank you for grace that goes deeper than I even know.  Thank you for seeing me and loving me anyway.  Can't get enough of you.  

"Be confident, my heart,

because the Lord has been good to me.

The Lord saved me from death;

He stopped my tears

and kept me from defeat."

Psalm 116:7-9