he invites me to his table

I really feel like I'm drowning.

This past weekend was bcm fall retreat at look up lodge.  how ironic it would be that I would enter a place, literally, that was my source of anxiety for 4 months this summer and the Lord would take hold of my heart in regards to all of that anxiety.  for about 48 hours, I worshipped and prayed and sang real loud and asked and begged and cried and hugged.  Such a beautiful thing, but it takes a lot of recovering, as if I ever could.  The Lord spoke to me in ways that I would have never guessed.

I'm not even sure what words I want to say.  Currently, my heart feels full, yet desperately broken.  Romans 8 says that when we can't find the words, the Spirit hears our groans and intercedes for us.  Currently, that is me.  That is my heart today.  I'm not sure how I should feel, what I should think, or what is next.  I'm caught of the limbo of being here, but being with the Lord spiritually

Amidst my confusion and hurting and rejoicing and crying, I do know without a shadow of a doubt that God loves me.  He loves me deeply.  He loves me when I get it right and when I get it wrong.  He loved me before I got it wrong and gave for me after I did.  He loves me enough to send for me.  He loves me enough to seek me.  Oh, that He would seek me.  I think that I have known since I became a believer that God loves me.  But that truth has never manifested in my heart like it is now until this past weekend.

He invites me to His table.  He invites me to the place where I will be best nourished.  He has prepared a table for me and He sets it that I may have friendship with Him.  And more than that, He invites me and others to the table, that we could all feast together.  He invites me to friendship with Him and invites me to community with others.

That thought wrecks me.  That thought brings weeping.  How many times do I send God away from my table?  And how many times do I send His people away from my table?

The truth that He celebrates my coming Home sends me weeping, too.  Like the lost sheep, He leaves the rest to come find me.  He comes to me.  Like the prodigal son, the good Father rejoices in my return.  He prepares His best for my return.

I think that I'm so emotional and captivated because I think I'm finally coming out of this season.  "this season" has been a year in the making.  I talk about it a lot because it has seriously consumed the last year of my life.  Over and over, the Lord has been teaching me about His character.  To be honest, I've been begging for this season to be over because I'm exhausted.  I literally told someone the other day that I'm tired of being.  Not that I want to be dead, but that I'm just exhausted of feeling things and doing things and making decisions and trying, but feeling like I'm failing.

With that said, I feel like I'm beginning to come out of this year.  Something in the air seems to have shifted and I seem to be moving into a new time.  And though I begged for this to be over, I'm now caught trying to cling to what once was.  I'm now caught longing for the past.  And I don't really know how to handle it all.

Obviously I don't have it all figured out [I don't even have a blogpost figured out].  Amidst the chaos that I feel, I think I do know a thing or two.

Let us feast.  Let us join and feast.  In Revelation, Paul eats God's word.  You are what we eat.  What would my life we like if I was so saturated in God's word that it was literally my nourishment?

Isaiah 40 says that God gives rest to the weary and strength to the weak.  I've been chanting that over myself for a few days now.  I am weary.  My heart is weary.  I'm tired and I desperately need rest.  I'm learning to ask for the things I want because the Lord is good and faithful.  I'm asking for rest this week, though I'm busy.  Asking for more time would be foolish.  But asking for rest amidst my busyness is necessary in this season.

thank you, Jesus, for your good.  thank you for inviting me to your table.  thank you for making a place for me and loving me enough to seek me.  thank you for sending for me and seeing me, really seeing me.  thank you for meeting me in my weakness and in my lost state.  thank you for giving me good gifts and giving me community and giving me grace.  I could never get enough of you and, even in the hard stuff, my heart will seek you.  help me to celebrate the truth that you reign highest.

onward, we go.  I'm not sure where we're going or how we'll get there, but Jesus is leading this thing, so it's gotta be good.  come to my table, feast with me and the King.

thanks for being sweet and loving me, even when my head seems gone.  lol.  Using the word as our lamp, onward we go.