hiiiii
I had a conversation with a dear friend (who needs to start her own blog anyway because the Lord has gifted her with lots of good words and wisdom, cough cough) the other day. She was saying that she has been convicted lately about wishing and praying for "good" days. I don't think I could adequately sum up all that she said, but as for me, I learned from that conversation how immature and superficial it is to hope for "good" things because I think that that's what best for me.
I know that the first thing on my mind when I wake up is that I hope this day is good. I wish that the bad things would be far from me and all the things I love would be near and close. I hope for days where things don't go wrong. I pray for God to guard me from those bad things.
I don't think that I consciously do that. I think that subconsciously, as I live, my view of good days and bad days shifts and sways based on my mood and the circumstances I'm in. But looking at that type of ideology on paper, I'm embarrassed that I could see my days in such a shallow way.
I would not be near the person I am today without the screwed up stuff I've seen. Had my heart not been broken by the hurts I've felt, the relationships I've lost, the fights I've fought, the hard conversations I've had, the tears I've cried, the continual bandaid-pulling-off feeling pain that I seem to be stuck in lately - had I not trekked through those things, I would be a much different person.
If I had had my way then, when I prayed for a "good" day, those hurts would have never happened. I would still have all my relationships, I would never have to fight, hard conversations would be easy ones, tears would only be ones of joy, and that bandaid would never be needed.
Foolishly and immaturely, I have prayed for things to go well, to go my way. Through conviction and a friend good enough to talk to me about things that really matter, I've thought a lot about the way that I pray and my heart behind asking for things that I ask for.
See, if we always got what we asked for, we'd be in very different places. If I always got my way, I wouldn't ever need Jesus because things would be "good" enough. If I always got my way, I wouldn't ever grow, I wouldn't meet new people, I wouldn't crave community, I wouldn't have to work for things, I wouldn't have a reason to blog. My hurts are what and who I am. How silly it is to pray those bad things away when they make us.
I've seen a lot of things in my life in the last year. Quite frankly, I've seen a lot of bad days. I've seen some of my deepest days. I don't say that to get pity, but to be honest about how hard this season is. But when I think now of how my days, even as recent as a few days ago, have shaped me and made me, I'm filled with gratitude. My relationships have gone deeper than I could have ever anticipated, my love for the Lord and for His ways has only grown and become more correct, and my view of myself, along with my perspective on the world, has shifted in the happiest of ways.
Rather than asking for good days, let us ask for eyes to see His good hand in the "good" and the "bad". Let us have hands to openly, un-anxiously, and patiently wait for His goodness. Let us pray for hearts to know and believe and fully well trust in the truth that He is good, even in our screwed up stuff.
Jesus, thank you that you don't always give me what I ask for, but rather, that you give me just what I need. Thank your for hard lessons that lead to a stronger heart, a wiser head, relationships that are deep and fruitful, and passions worth living for. Thank you for your goods and your love. Thank you that you love me enough to be all that you are for me. Thank you for pulling that bandaid off over and over cause I trust that you have a plan for that. I believe in your goodness and I eagerly expect it that goodness today and tomorrow and forever. Love you so much.
And you, too, faithful readers. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Thursday, October 23, 2014
"In the midst of my meltdown", expectancy vs. expectation
"When our expectancy becomes restrained by definitions, the fruit of those unanswered expectations is ugly. That's when disappointment, offense, and bitterness start growing. And because we attach those expectations to God, the outcome becomes connected to him as well. So, with unmet expectations based on our own terms and definitions, we begin to see God as the one who lied, disappointed, or tricked us.
There is a different way, though. We are meant to live freely with promises that stir our expectancy without attaching boundaries and walls to define its form and time. While expectations confine us to control what's happening, expectancy builds faith and hope for what God is doing and how he will do it.
Ditch the stuff that strangles life and freedom from God's move in your season. And wait expectantly knowing this: he is moving and doing a new thing, and you will see his goodness in this land." - Waiting Expectantly
Right now, I should be studying for my test. I should be getting ready for lunch. I should not be blogging. But alas, here I am. My counselor told me the other day that if we don't take care of our mental health, everything else falls apart. I tend to ignore my mental health when I get busy. But I can attest to the fact that when mental health is in shambles, so is everything else. I've had to take oil pulling back up because I feel all of my stress in my jaw and my body hurts.
So here I am. "Here I am" has sort of been my mentality for the last month or so. I feel like I'm just floating from one thing to another. I've made countless to-do lists, spent hours in front of canvases and textbooks, gone to a lot of meetings, and missed out on too big of a number of hours of sleep.
I say this a lot, but I have been struggling, friends. Being on medication is a very real thing. I'm not sure how to adequately describe it, but over the last month, I have felt annoyed with myself, frustrated with my progress, excited about feeling better, then disheartened because some days, I don't feel better, hurting because of burdens, and mostly just done and tired. I'm tired of being. That sounds really dramatic because it is. I don't mean that I don't want to live anymore. No way, not at all is that what I'm saying. But I'm just tired of feeling so many things and trying to process through them all and feeling like I can't.
I think that the root of a lot of my recent frustration and annoyance and hurting stems from my expectations. I had high expectations for how this season would look. I expected to be a new person, I expected to be better, I expected to be happy, I expected my life to be easier. In a lot of ways, I have been those things. But in other ways, I couldn't feel farther from those things.
I guess what I mean is that this season is a hard adjustment. A really hard one. It's been long, so so long. And I just feel so tired.
Back to that expectations things. I've been hearing over and over lately that expectations are a bad thing. I have learned and I hope that I am proof to you that yes, they are. Expectations lead to disappointment. Which I have felt the weight of.
Rather than seeking to have expectations, we should seek to have expectancy. Expectations say "this is the plan", while expectancy says "I don't know the plan, but I'm going where you say, Jesus." Expectations are creating our own will, but expectancy understands that that right is the Lord's alone. Expectations drag us down, while expectancy gives us hope.
In the midst of my meltdown, I have felt immensely blessed. Jesus has been very kind to me. Last night, I officially reached my Seattle fund needed. Which means that in 30 days, I saw the Lord bless me with $800. Eight hundred whole dollars. In addition to that, I've received 7 or 8 etsy orders. I've passed tests that I didn't study for, turned in projects that I was less than content with, and received blessings that I foolishly did not pray for.
I guess I could really sum up the last month or so by saying that Jesus is really good. I know I always say that, but I pray I never stop remembering it. In the midst of craziness, my response is "yes, Jesus".
I've learned a lot lately. I've learned about how kind the Lord is. He has given me things that He didn't need to. He has loved me tenderly. I've learned about how important taking care of the mind is. I've learned about what I am and am not capable of. I've learned that my life needs structure, and when I do not have it, I feel most anxious. I've learned that the Lord uses me really well when I feel screwed up and broken and lost. I've learned that He is most patient, most sweet, and most gracious. I've needed a lot and He has, over and over, given me all I need.
Mark 11:24 says that whatever we ask in prayer, if we believe that we have received it, it will be ours. Romans 8 says that the Lord hears our wordless groans. I think that those can work together. Sometimes, we don't know what to pray for; in those times, the Spirit hears us. When we can't form words, He hears us. Our boldness to ask for what we want from the Lord leads to our blessing. How much differently would our lives look if we asked for the things we desire, purely out of faith that God will do what He has promised?
Here's to tiredness. Here's to long seasons. Here's to hard times because we trust in and know that they will produce fruit. Here's to doing away with the beliefs that we are not good enough, strong enough, or worthy enough. Here's the taking Jesus at His word. Here's to YES, JESUS and trusting His goodness today and to doing the best that we can. We aren't perfect, but we know who is and we find our hope in Him and in His finished work. Onward [emotionally, stressfully, tiredly, but excitedly], we go - heads held up, hope in our hearts, trust in every step, and prayers continually guiding us.
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible." Hebrews 11:1-3
There is a different way, though. We are meant to live freely with promises that stir our expectancy without attaching boundaries and walls to define its form and time. While expectations confine us to control what's happening, expectancy builds faith and hope for what God is doing and how he will do it.
Ditch the stuff that strangles life and freedom from God's move in your season. And wait expectantly knowing this: he is moving and doing a new thing, and you will see his goodness in this land." - Waiting Expectantly
Right now, I should be studying for my test. I should be getting ready for lunch. I should not be blogging. But alas, here I am. My counselor told me the other day that if we don't take care of our mental health, everything else falls apart. I tend to ignore my mental health when I get busy. But I can attest to the fact that when mental health is in shambles, so is everything else. I've had to take oil pulling back up because I feel all of my stress in my jaw and my body hurts.
So here I am. "Here I am" has sort of been my mentality for the last month or so. I feel like I'm just floating from one thing to another. I've made countless to-do lists, spent hours in front of canvases and textbooks, gone to a lot of meetings, and missed out on too big of a number of hours of sleep.
I say this a lot, but I have been struggling, friends. Being on medication is a very real thing. I'm not sure how to adequately describe it, but over the last month, I have felt annoyed with myself, frustrated with my progress, excited about feeling better, then disheartened because some days, I don't feel better, hurting because of burdens, and mostly just done and tired. I'm tired of being. That sounds really dramatic because it is. I don't mean that I don't want to live anymore. No way, not at all is that what I'm saying. But I'm just tired of feeling so many things and trying to process through them all and feeling like I can't.
I think that the root of a lot of my recent frustration and annoyance and hurting stems from my expectations. I had high expectations for how this season would look. I expected to be a new person, I expected to be better, I expected to be happy, I expected my life to be easier. In a lot of ways, I have been those things. But in other ways, I couldn't feel farther from those things.
I guess what I mean is that this season is a hard adjustment. A really hard one. It's been long, so so long. And I just feel so tired.
Back to that expectations things. I've been hearing over and over lately that expectations are a bad thing. I have learned and I hope that I am proof to you that yes, they are. Expectations lead to disappointment. Which I have felt the weight of.
Rather than seeking to have expectations, we should seek to have expectancy. Expectations say "this is the plan", while expectancy says "I don't know the plan, but I'm going where you say, Jesus." Expectations are creating our own will, but expectancy understands that that right is the Lord's alone. Expectations drag us down, while expectancy gives us hope.
In the midst of my meltdown, I have felt immensely blessed. Jesus has been very kind to me. Last night, I officially reached my Seattle fund needed. Which means that in 30 days, I saw the Lord bless me with $800. Eight hundred whole dollars. In addition to that, I've received 7 or 8 etsy orders. I've passed tests that I didn't study for, turned in projects that I was less than content with, and received blessings that I foolishly did not pray for.
I guess I could really sum up the last month or so by saying that Jesus is really good. I know I always say that, but I pray I never stop remembering it. In the midst of craziness, my response is "yes, Jesus".
I've learned a lot lately. I've learned about how kind the Lord is. He has given me things that He didn't need to. He has loved me tenderly. I've learned about how important taking care of the mind is. I've learned about what I am and am not capable of. I've learned that my life needs structure, and when I do not have it, I feel most anxious. I've learned that the Lord uses me really well when I feel screwed up and broken and lost. I've learned that He is most patient, most sweet, and most gracious. I've needed a lot and He has, over and over, given me all I need.
Mark 11:24 says that whatever we ask in prayer, if we believe that we have received it, it will be ours. Romans 8 says that the Lord hears our wordless groans. I think that those can work together. Sometimes, we don't know what to pray for; in those times, the Spirit hears us. When we can't form words, He hears us. Our boldness to ask for what we want from the Lord leads to our blessing. How much differently would our lives look if we asked for the things we desire, purely out of faith that God will do what He has promised?
Here's to tiredness. Here's to long seasons. Here's to hard times because we trust in and know that they will produce fruit. Here's to doing away with the beliefs that we are not good enough, strong enough, or worthy enough. Here's the taking Jesus at His word. Here's to YES, JESUS and trusting His goodness today and to doing the best that we can. We aren't perfect, but we know who is and we find our hope in Him and in His finished work. Onward [emotionally, stressfully, tiredly, but excitedly], we go - heads held up, hope in our hearts, trust in every step, and prayers continually guiding us.
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible." Hebrews 11:1-3
thanks for loving me so well.
Monday, October 20, 2014
fresh starts
"The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." - proverbs 18:21
It's been a while since I've been here.Sometimes I need to remind myself that I can have a fresh start. That the less-than-awesome things I feel are less than what I was made for. That Christ did not come so that I could be plagued by homesickness, a longing for what once was, sadness, anxiety, or worry. Those are a handful of things that I've been feeling lately.
I've been struggling, friends. It's a whole new way of struggling. Since my medicine, I've been really challenged. Some days are easy and other days are really hard. It's hard to adjust to a new you, but that's what I feel like I'm doing. Like learning to walk again, I see the whole world differently, which is equal parts exhausting, challenging, awesome, and so, so cool. I don't see my relationships, my Jesus, my problems, myself, my job, or my responsibilities through a lens of worry and clenching and tense muscles and hard grips. Rather, I can be calm about things. It's a strange season I'm in.
I've always been a believer in the power of words. I think that words are what make the world go 'round. They have the power to heal and to hurt and to help and to heighten. Recently, my heart has begun to beat even more for words.
Let's see if I can adequately explain this - the words we declare are the words we shall see to pass. By that, I mean that if we say we are happy, we can begin to believe that we are. And if we say we are sad, we can believe that, too. And if we say we are heartbroken, we can stay in that season. If we say we are overcomers because of what Christ has done, we, too, along with Him, can overcome.
I mean this in an emotional sense. Not that I can declare that tomorrow, all sickness will end, and on October 21st, 2014, the whole world will be healed. But there is power in declaring things over ourselves.
Especially things that we already know to be true from the Lord. That sounds a little silly sometimes, but I've seen my life changed by my proclamations that the Lord will fight for me. I know those things, but I foolishly forget them. When I can chant it over myself, I can remember it. When we repeat the truths of the character of God to ourselves, we can begin to really believe them.
Imagine if we took God at His word. If we actually trusted in the words that He claims about Himself.
Over the last month or so, I've seen a lot of deliverance in my life. I think that the Lord has always been delivering me from seasons and hard things and bad things, but lately, the promise that He really will deliver me has become my heartbeat. Oh, what a glorious thought it is to know that I just believe in all that He will do and He will do it.
I've seen Him deliver me from anxiety that I didn't realize was as bad as it was until I got help. I've seen Him deliver me from the all-consuming doubt that He can do what He says He will, that He is good like He says He is, and that He is for me and has my best in mind, even when He takes things from me. I've seen Him deliver me from some depression that I didn't know I had, but have since felt the chains lifted off. I've seen Him deliver me from boys that are doing less than following Jesus' will. I've seen Him deliver me from seasons of chaos into still waters.
I trust and believe that the Lord is good. And sometimes, that takes a lot of chanting, but I'm here to chant and rant and declare it because I need it. I need that truth in my heart. So if standing on chairs to yell it until I believe it works, so be it. Here I stand.
I'm not sure I made much sense here, but, like learning to walk again, blogging is a newer thing for me since my medicine. Here's to all that will come - the good seasons and the bad.
Friday, October 3, 2014
October 3rd
Friday. Friday, Friday, Friday.
Let me set the stage for you a bit. I'm back in my bed. I have on an oversized tshirt and pajama shorts. There's only a lamp on cause I want it dark. The blinds are open, so I can see the rain. I'm snuggled under covers. Upon finishing this post, I will close my computer and turn on Netflix to watch approximately 10 episodes of NewGirl. Because this week was long and hard and emotional and sometimes, I just have to quit.
Believe it or not, I did get up and do things today. It seems that the devil is coming at me hard in the little things (remember how I believe those little things can become big things? yeah.) over the last few weeks. For example, my most recent crisis, my car broke. It won't start but the battery works, so I think there's something wrong with the starter. It's been parked in a parking lot on campus for twelve days. Today, I got it towed to a car shop. Today, it monsooned, so today, I stood outside in the rain to sign AAA papers. Today, the car shop is slammed and won't be able to do anything with it until first thing tomorrow. Today, I won't get my car back (not the end of the world, but I wouldn't argue with things being different). Of course, today. Friday.
Sometimes, I am convinced that I blog too often. But then I remember that I blog because my heart needs it, not for the hearts of my readers (though those matter, too). With that said, here I am.
Yesterday was my second counseling session. Both times that I have gone, in the fifteen minutes before, I have come very close to sending an email that says something like "I'm a train wreck and I'm scared to come talk to you and I'm anxious and nervous and sad and maybe depressed and I don't want to open up and I don't think I can make it, maybe next time." Both times, Jesus has stopped me. Both times, I've entered the room and poured my heart out in ways that not even my closest loves know and I've cried and I've struggled and I've shaken and I've nodded and I've hurt and I've took a lot of deep breaths. And both times, I've left with my eyes a little more watery, my voice a little shakier, and my heart a little more emptied, but somehow a little more full, too. I literally love it and hate it all at the same time. It's so hard and so easy and so foreign.
See, I can come here and blog about #allthefeels because I can hide on the other side of my macbook. But to sit across from someone in a room and have them see me in a way that no one else sees me stresses me the heck out. And while it is brutal and scary and a little heartbreaking, I do it because I leave with this sense of peace and okayness. I never realized that the walls around my heart were so concreted, but I see that they are.
As soon as I start to think that the season I'm in is nearing an end, it continues. I'm not totally sure what that means, but the Lord is hammering specific things into me and through different trials and problems and circumstances, I continue to be revealed the same things. If that makes sense. I'm going through different things, but it's all to teach me the same thing(s). That's why I call this - whatever this is - a "season" and why I call it only one season.
As this season continues, I'll catch you up on some things.
I have officially raised 27% of my money needed for Seattle. This rocks because it was done in 11 days. I cannot get over how good the Lord has been in His faithfulness to provide for me.
I'm adjusting to the new normal with my medicine. First, I love it. I love it so much. It doesn't take my anxiety away, but it lessens the emotional intensity that I feel to it, which I love. I don't think I could properly explain how good it has been for me. I feel healthier, happier, and like I have a better grip on my life. Secondly, while I love it, I also am struggling with figuring out who I am now. I know that I'm still the same person (and my anxiety that rears its ugly head when I come across things unmanageable and overwhelming is definitely evidence that I'm still the same) - I'm still a 20 year old girl that cannot seem to control things, one that cries a lot, hurts a lot, and feels a lot; one that gets so sad from time to time, one that has such a full heart at other times, one that gets stressed. But because my anxiety is less, I feel more comfortable around people. Because my anxiety is less, I'm less terrified to be honest with others. Because my anxiety is less, I feel less passive. These are all adjustments that I'm wrestling with.
I feel emotionally more stable today than yesterday and more yesterday than other days, like Monday. It's been a long time coming and a long 10 months, but here we are.
There is one thing (Jesus) and sometimes a few things when I'm feeling real introverted (Sonic happy hour, long drives to nowhere, the softness of my sheets) that I maybe love more right now than the people around me. That sentence might be really confusing, but oh well. I am so loved and my heart cannot control it. I cannot wrap my head around the sweetness that surrounds me. My friends ROCK, capital r-o-c-k. I don't know how it could get better than them.
Through a number of things, I've been really convicted of the sin in my life. Thank goodness for Jesus because my heart is a nasty, messy place.
In short, Jesus is working mountains in my life. Building some up, while tearing other ones down. And it's hard. It's really hard. But it's good and I'm thankful.
I'm gonna stop here because I could ramble for a long time, but I need to go collect myself. Hahaha. I always need to. Thanks for reading this, thanks for loving me well. The last year has been long and hard and good and bad and fun and challenging and just about every other adjective, but I'm thankful for it. Thank you, Jesus, for grace. The Lord is so kind to us.
Let me set the stage for you a bit. I'm back in my bed. I have on an oversized tshirt and pajama shorts. There's only a lamp on cause I want it dark. The blinds are open, so I can see the rain. I'm snuggled under covers. Upon finishing this post, I will close my computer and turn on Netflix to watch approximately 10 episodes of NewGirl. Because this week was long and hard and emotional and sometimes, I just have to quit.
Believe it or not, I did get up and do things today. It seems that the devil is coming at me hard in the little things (remember how I believe those little things can become big things? yeah.) over the last few weeks. For example, my most recent crisis, my car broke. It won't start but the battery works, so I think there's something wrong with the starter. It's been parked in a parking lot on campus for twelve days. Today, I got it towed to a car shop. Today, it monsooned, so today, I stood outside in the rain to sign AAA papers. Today, the car shop is slammed and won't be able to do anything with it until first thing tomorrow. Today, I won't get my car back (not the end of the world, but I wouldn't argue with things being different). Of course, today. Friday.
Sometimes, I am convinced that I blog too often. But then I remember that I blog because my heart needs it, not for the hearts of my readers (though those matter, too). With that said, here I am.
Yesterday was my second counseling session. Both times that I have gone, in the fifteen minutes before, I have come very close to sending an email that says something like "I'm a train wreck and I'm scared to come talk to you and I'm anxious and nervous and sad and maybe depressed and I don't want to open up and I don't think I can make it, maybe next time." Both times, Jesus has stopped me. Both times, I've entered the room and poured my heart out in ways that not even my closest loves know and I've cried and I've struggled and I've shaken and I've nodded and I've hurt and I've took a lot of deep breaths. And both times, I've left with my eyes a little more watery, my voice a little shakier, and my heart a little more emptied, but somehow a little more full, too. I literally love it and hate it all at the same time. It's so hard and so easy and so foreign.
See, I can come here and blog about #allthefeels because I can hide on the other side of my macbook. But to sit across from someone in a room and have them see me in a way that no one else sees me stresses me the heck out. And while it is brutal and scary and a little heartbreaking, I do it because I leave with this sense of peace and okayness. I never realized that the walls around my heart were so concreted, but I see that they are.
As soon as I start to think that the season I'm in is nearing an end, it continues. I'm not totally sure what that means, but the Lord is hammering specific things into me and through different trials and problems and circumstances, I continue to be revealed the same things. If that makes sense. I'm going through different things, but it's all to teach me the same thing(s). That's why I call this - whatever this is - a "season" and why I call it only one season.
As this season continues, I'll catch you up on some things.
I have officially raised 27% of my money needed for Seattle. This rocks because it was done in 11 days. I cannot get over how good the Lord has been in His faithfulness to provide for me.
I'm adjusting to the new normal with my medicine. First, I love it. I love it so much. It doesn't take my anxiety away, but it lessens the emotional intensity that I feel to it, which I love. I don't think I could properly explain how good it has been for me. I feel healthier, happier, and like I have a better grip on my life. Secondly, while I love it, I also am struggling with figuring out who I am now. I know that I'm still the same person (and my anxiety that rears its ugly head when I come across things unmanageable and overwhelming is definitely evidence that I'm still the same) - I'm still a 20 year old girl that cannot seem to control things, one that cries a lot, hurts a lot, and feels a lot; one that gets so sad from time to time, one that has such a full heart at other times, one that gets stressed. But because my anxiety is less, I feel more comfortable around people. Because my anxiety is less, I'm less terrified to be honest with others. Because my anxiety is less, I feel less passive. These are all adjustments that I'm wrestling with.
I feel emotionally more stable today than yesterday and more yesterday than other days, like Monday. It's been a long time coming and a long 10 months, but here we are.
There is one thing (Jesus) and sometimes a few things when I'm feeling real introverted (Sonic happy hour, long drives to nowhere, the softness of my sheets) that I maybe love more right now than the people around me. That sentence might be really confusing, but oh well. I am so loved and my heart cannot control it. I cannot wrap my head around the sweetness that surrounds me. My friends ROCK, capital r-o-c-k. I don't know how it could get better than them.
Through a number of things, I've been really convicted of the sin in my life. Thank goodness for Jesus because my heart is a nasty, messy place.
In short, Jesus is working mountains in my life. Building some up, while tearing other ones down. And it's hard. It's really hard. But it's good and I'm thankful.
I'm gonna stop here because I could ramble for a long time, but I need to go collect myself. Hahaha. I always need to. Thanks for reading this, thanks for loving me well. The last year has been long and hard and good and bad and fun and challenging and just about every other adjective, but I'm thankful for it. Thank you, Jesus, for grace. The Lord is so kind to us.
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