Disobedience to God will always lead to my downfall.

It's weird and scary how God starts to address you, warn you, confront you, challenge you, and be patient with you all at the same time.  It's scary and settling to be convicted.  Lord knows (literally) I needed it.

It's funny how we chase things we shouldn't chase.  We try to pursue things that aren't for us to have.  I am so easily attracted to the unattainable.  Where there's a hint of Don't Try this Brenna, there's my head telling me to try it.  

I always try to convince myself that whatever bad thing I'm pursuing really isn't that bad.  I mean, maybe it's a little wrong, but God will forgive me and I'll learn from it.. right?

Disobedience to God will always lead to my downfall.  Slowly but surely, I'm learning.

It's been a long, long six months.  Full of heartache and happiness and love, but somehow it's been all wrong.  The love was even wrong.  It's dangerous to mix good and evil.  Pray for someone while pursuing them, knowing with every ounce of yourself that this is so not something you should pursue.  It's hard when God lets you get hurt.  I've played with a lot of fire to find out that I'll only ever get burned.

I'm learning that when I knowingly (and even intentionally, as scary as that is to realize that) step out of the Lord's protection, God is going to let me hurt.  You best believe there'll be tears and pain.  

I'm also learning that God is so, so, so patient and so, so forgiving.  Because I've been here before, I'm made this apology far too many times before.  And every single time God has been there with open arms to welcome me back Home.  

Why is sin so appealing?  Why did I ever believe that I knew what was best for my life?  WHY did I ever believe that that was God's best for me?

I'm struggling to rationalize some of my decisions lately.  I'm trying to come up with excuses and reasons why I did what I did, but ultimately it comes down to my so-prone-to-wander heart.  I play where I shouldn't.  I test waters that I should never test.  I even excuse myself for being foolish.

Thank God for forgiveness, grace, acceptance, and love.  I sure could not forgive anyone for betraying me over and over the way I've betrayed Him.  

I've got a lot of growing up to do.  I've got a lot of lessons to learn.  I've got a lot to pray about within myself.  I've got a lot of heartchecks that I desperately need to take.

Proverbs 27:17- As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Deuteronomy 31:8- The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Joshua 1:9- Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Psalm 23:4- Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 86:17- Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, Lord, have helped me and comforted me. 

Psalm 119:76- May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. 

Proverbs 3:24- When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. 

Isaiah 12:2- Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. 
Isaiah 49:13- Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.


Prayer Time: God, thank you for forgiveness and for accepting me.  Thank you for loving me when I am so terribly unlovable.  Thank you for being patient with me and for never, ever giving up on me.  I pray that you would help me to walk on your path and to bring others to that path.  Thank you for all that you've done and all that you do for me.  I seriously don't deserve it.  I pray for that one soul that has been burdening my heart for the last six months.  It breaks my heart because I've been where he is.  I was just where he is.  I pray that you would change his heart in a way that only You can.  I pray that you would help me to be a light to him, but also help me to resist the path that I shouldn't go down with him.  Thank you, God, for being so much more able that I am.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen.