little drummer girl: Seattle

come, they told me

pa rum pum pum pum

a new born King to see

pa rum pum pum pum

our finest gifts we bring

pa rum pum pum pum

to lay before the king

pa rum pum pum pum,

rum pum pum pum,

rum pum pum pum

so to honor Him,

Pa rum pum pum pum

when we come

little baby

pa rum pum pum pum

I am a poor boy, too

pa rum pum pum pum

I have no gift to bring

pa rum pum pum pum

that's fit to give our King

pa rum pum pum pum,

rum pum pum pum,

rum pum pum pum

shall I play for you

pa rum pum pum pum

on my drum?

Mary nodded

pa rum pum pum pum

the ox and lamb kept time

pa rum pum pum pum

I played my drum for Him

pa rum pum pum pum

I played my best for Him

pa rum pum pum pum,

rum pum pum pum,

rum pum pum pum

then He smiled at me

pa rum pum pum pum

me and my drum

I am FINALLY done with this semester.  Seriously, the end could not have come quickly enough. But a mere 11 hours ago, I officially submitted and I'm officially done.  I made a 53 on a final yesterday if that gives you any clue as to how exhausted I am.  Mega oops on that.

I've succumbed to the Christmas music, though it doesn't really feel like Christmas in my heart.  If you have not heard Phil Wickham's Christmas album, you are missing out on so much.  It's so good.

I've always loved Little Drummer Boy, really just because I think it's so cute.  But yesterday, I listened, really listened, to the words.

Jesus is born and they tell the people the come see the newborn King.  To honor Him, they bring their finest gifts to present to Him.  The little boy is a poor boy and has no gift that is, what he feels, good enough for Jesus.  He asks if he should play his drum for Jesus.  Mary nods at him and he played for Jesus.  He played his very best for Jesus.  Then, sweet little baby Jesus smiled at him.

What a sweet, sweet story.  

As I prepare my heart for Seattle, little drummer boy has been fresh on my mind.  Every time I choose to see the "how" instead of the "I'm already there" that God is whispering, I see Jesus smiling at me.  Every time I get bogged down by my inadequacies, Jesus smiles at me.  Every time I think of the hard questions I could be asked and my lack of good enough answers to those questions, Jesus smiles at me.

See, there's something really special about us doing our best for Jesus.  There's something really special about recognizing that we don't have much to bring, that our hands are achingly empty, yet showing up and doing our best and being all that we can be is returned by smiles.

Since He was even a baby, Jesus has honored our best.  He has honored our efforts to please Him and my dear (fearful) heart needed to hear that today.

I'm super excited for Seattle.  I'm excited for the work that will be done there.  I'm excited for the friendships I'll build there.  I'm excited for the way that I will see God work in the week I'm there.

In spite of all of my excitement, I'm also nervous.  I'm nervous for the words that I won't have to say, nervous for the times I'll feel uncomfortable, I'm nervous for the situations where I won't know what to do.  But I know that the Lord is good and that He is all good.  That He calls us to things for His glory and for our joy and I trust that.  

So I don't have many details for you.  I do know that last night, we had our last Seattle meeting while in Anderson and as we heard about sleepless in Seattle, which is an event we'll be helping with, my eyes filled with tears as my heart considered all Jesus is about to do.  I do know that one day, I'll spend the day with elementary school kids and I'm stoked.  I do know that I'll spend lots of time with people that mean a lot to me and that I'm really excited to know them better.  I don't know what the Lord will do, but I do know it'll be big and sweet and good, really really good.

so here's to Seattle.  here's to the tears I'll cry there (cause, duh, we know I will), the laughs I'll laugh, the hard times I'll feel, the peace that'll surround me, and the broken heart I'll return with.  here's to the joy the Lord will bring because Jesus is joy.  here's to the hope we'll spread because the Lord is so sweet.  

I'm excited and not ready, but I'm not sure I ever could be.  here's to you, Jesus, cause you're the very best.  thanks for smiling at me.

have a little Hope as we chase our dreams

"God never deserts the dreamer. He doesn’t. I don’t believe for a second I was left, and neither should you. Even when you don’t know the directions, you have GOT to keep running. There will be times you are going to be discouraged and will feel purposeless, but keep running towards the Creator. We have stories to tell, relationships to make and dreams to chase. And above all, we have a God who runs ahead of us to make a path."

Those sweet words come from Ashlee Zoch in this is it, a part of her Running series.  A friend sent that to me this morning along with these words - "praying for you sweet, encouraging, important, cherished, dreamer friend. praying that you keep dreaming so big. in your shop, in your career, and more importantly with your relationship with our Heavenly Daddy."

I have the conversation almost daily about how the Lord has absolutely changed me through having an etsy shop.  When I first considered opening one, I knew that I was good at painting and that I needed money.  I've talked about it before, but I have a serious case of money anxiety.  Day-by-day, the Lord is healing that in me and showing me how my financial security is secured in Him, not in paychecks, but it's still a pretty real struggle.

Anyway.  Now, after 3 and a 1/2 months of being the owner of Brocha Designs, I have seen, over and over, how the Lord supplies.  He has given me a heart for calligraphy; I was fearful to even try it until a sweet friend asked that I would.  He has given me a heart for things - wooden things, glass things, paper things, script things.  He has blessed me so much through it that I can't even keep up.  I've made 31 sales in 99 days and every single one of those has come from His goodness and His faithfulness.

I'm not here to brag on success, though.  If I am, I hope that it is clear that my boast is only in the Lord.  None of my shop or the success that has come from the shop would be even a little able without Jesus.

Anyway.  Back to sweet words.  A friend named Hope, perfectly named Hope because she's become a giver of hope to me, a lover of hope to all she surrounds, an encouragement towards hope for anyone that even knows her a little, and a heavenly Hope in the flesh, sent me that blog.

If you asked me what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, I would ramble you something like this - "maybe work for a nonprofit?  I'm not totally sure.  I would like to do event planning, maybe.  But really, my dream job would be to open my own shop.  It would be like a craft-calligraphy-paint shop and I could just make things forever.  That would be my dream job.  I really hope for that, but I don't know."

I think, and I would venture to say that some of you think, that God is good, but that we easily misinterpret what His plan is.  That He is kind and He is loving and He is enough, but sometimes we think things are for us when they are not and from that stems our fear to dream.  From that, comes the crippling we feel when any asks us about our futures because at this point, we just want to shake them and scream I don't freaking know.

This rings true for a lot of my life.  What an injustice to God to set my dreams aside and settle into complacency for my "this is it".  Like this is the best the Lord can do.  Like this is all He has planned, like He doesn't dream into the future with us.

Psalms says that when we delight ourselves in the Lord, He gives us the desires of our hearts.  I think that delight means a lot of things, but oh, I have seen what delight means in the unswerving faith that I have had in His ability.  He has taken my little things and made them really big things and my faith is sure because of that.  And He has only continued to give me the desires of my heart.  Hallelujah, what a savior.

I have seen the Lord gives to things over and over and over.  Like Ashlee, I think I need to list some of those things that I have seem Him be faithful to and things that I won't stop dreaming for, running for, seeking to find, and anticipating to receive - 

1. a real life shop. in a quirky downtown city. working with my best friends, making things. brewing coffee and eating pinterest cookies. a studio covered in paint that's one of my favorite places to be. being really sweet to supporters and always offering my best.

2. my future husband. I think that it would be easy for me to list off all the attributes that I hope he has, but really, I just hope that he loves Jesus most. a million times over, I hope I get to watch him fall daily in love with our sweet Jesus. I'm really unwavering on this one.

3. my writing. for whatever reason, you people like my words. I'm honored and humbled and eternally thankful. this place is my safe haven and I love that you guys join me here, to maybe feel a little safer, too.

4. my future children. I think I want 5. at least 4, at most 6. I've come back to 3 because children are expensive. but if anyone can do it, it's Jesus. so I'm asking for tons of babies to feel my heart full, full, full.

5. my extended family. it's easily for me to feel hopeless about them. really easy, in fact. but, again, if anyone can do it, it's Jesus. so, Jesus, I'll pray and watch you do it - through me and through others. 

6. my heart to travel. because travel is expensive, I've made myself content with accepting that I won't. but who says I can't other than me? a trip to World Market yesterday reminded me of how much I want to get out there, hahaha.

7. connectedness. I love relationships and I love analyzing them. the Lord blessed me with an ability to connect to people and I thoroughly enjoy watching that continue. let's get coffee, let's go thrift shop, let me see your heart a little, I can show you mine.

"God never deserts the dreamer. He doesn’t. I don’t believe for a second I was left, and neither should you. Even when you don’t know the directions, you have GOT to keep running. There will be times you are going to be discouraged and will feel purposeless, but keep running towards the Creator. We have stories to tell, relationships to make and dreams to chase. And above all, we have a God who runs ahead of us to make a path."

here's to chasing dreams. here's to making our little desires into our heartbeats. here's to trusting the God of immeasurably more to do immeasurably more. here's to fears forgotten and to prayers pursued. may we never forget to dream a little bigger. 

sidenote - I leave for Seattle for the biggest mission trip I've ever been on in four days. expect some words on that soon!

no more elephants; this zoo is officially closed

Friends.  My heart is really happy.

Cue the mega sigh of relief.

It's been a long season of not being able to say that and really feel it.  But the Lord has done big, giant, humongous things in me in the last year.

I am here to say that I have finally come out of this season.  this season of heartbreak, of disbelief, of doubt, of question, of naivety, of immaturity, of confusion.  There have been a lot of things in the last year, and really two years, that have shaken me up a bit.  There have been a lot of times where I've felt really confused and lost about who the Lord and who He says I am.

And to be quite honest, there have been many days where I've felt that this whole thing wasn't worth it.  I've seen the Lord take things away and I've learned to resent Him for it.  I've been frustrated and mad and sad and hurt.  I've felt cheated out of things that I thought were for me to have.

About a week ago, I had a conversation with Ashley about how I felt like I was finally coming out of all that stuff, of this season of wandering.  How now, I can look back on the last five months and see my own foolishness.  As if the Lord couldn't do better.  As if the Lord takes things away simply to make me miserable.  As if the Lord is not good or good enough anymore.

There have been tons of times that I have wanted to say that I was done with that foolishness, with the last five months.  But really, in my heart, I've known the truth - that I didn't really trust the Lord to give me better.  There's a lot of junk in there - a messed up view of my worth in Christ, a messed up view of His character, a messed up view of who He is calling me to be - that needs to be sorted through and I finally feel ready to begin that work.

I finally feel that the promises of God can and will really find their yes.  

I should say thank you.  Abundantly, I should say thank you.  Thank you to my readers that have read about a very-sad Brenna for the last half a year.  Thank you to those that pray for me, even when I don't have the slightest clue what to pray for.  Thank you to my friends for the encouragement that has been poured out.  Thank you to the random souls that have extended an interest in me.  Thank you to my family, and especially my mom, who has let me figure this season out.  Thank you to the community that I have that has given me space when I need it and ignored my request for space when they know I really just need to be held.  Thank you for cozy couches and cinnamon roll church.  Thank you for broken pieces that someone make the most perfect of mosaics.  Thank you for it all.

And thank you, Jesus, for calling me a friend when I've sent you away.  Thank you for loving me when I make myself unlovable.  Thank you for the community you've given me.  Thank you for teaching us what it is to love because I don't know how I could have made it through any of this without the love that I've been richly supplied with.  Thank you for knowing me, really knowing me.  Thank you for seeking me, for holding me, for walking alongside me.  For going before me and keeping watch behind me - that when the past is hard on my heels, you've commanded your angels to guard me.  Thank you for breaking the chains that I've clung to.  Thank you for really sending the elephants on my chest away because they were heavy and I was never meant to hold them so tightly, as if they're really a security blanket.  Thank you for job opportunities not given and for relationships not granted.  Thank you for being patient with me when I was fed up with you.

So we march on.  We march to the gates you've prepared for us, trusting and really, actually, believing that you are the God of abundantly more and that your very best trumps our "good enough" a million times over.  We march together in stride of the freedom you bring.  We march on and we don't stop because you don't stop. 

For from his fullness we have all received grace upon grace.

John 1.16