Cue the mega sigh of relief.
It's been a long season of not being able to say that and really feel it. But the Lord has done big, giant, humongous things in me in the last year.
I am here to say that I have finally come out of this season. this season of heartbreak, of disbelief, of doubt, of question, of naivety, of immaturity, of confusion. There have been a lot of things in the last year, and really two years, that have shaken me up a bit. There have been a lot of times where I've felt really confused and lost about who the Lord and who He says I am.
And to be quite honest, there have been many days where I've felt that this whole thing wasn't worth it. I've seen the Lord take things away and I've learned to resent Him for it. I've been frustrated and mad and sad and hurt. I've felt cheated out of things that I thought were for me to have.
About a week ago, I had a conversation with Ashley about how I felt like I was finally coming out of all that stuff, of this season of wandering. How now, I can look back on the last five months and see my own foolishness. As if the Lord couldn't do better. As if the Lord takes things away simply to make me miserable. As if the Lord is not good or good enough anymore.
There have been tons of times that I have wanted to say that I was done with that foolishness, with the last five months. But really, in my heart, I've known the truth - that I didn't really trust the Lord to give me better. There's a lot of junk in there - a messed up view of my worth in Christ, a messed up view of His character, a messed up view of who He is calling me to be - that needs to be sorted through and I finally feel ready to begin that work.
I finally feel that the promises of God can and will really find their yes.
I should say thank you. Abundantly, I should say thank you. Thank you to my readers that have read about a very-sad Brenna for the last half a year. Thank you to those that pray for me, even when I don't have the slightest clue what to pray for. Thank you to my friends for the encouragement that has been poured out. Thank you to the random souls that have extended an interest in me. Thank you to my family, and especially my mom, who has let me figure this season out. Thank you to the community that I have that has given me space when I need it and ignored my request for space when they know I really just need to be held. Thank you for cozy couches and cinnamon roll church. Thank you for broken pieces that someone make the most perfect of mosaics. Thank you for it all.
And thank you, Jesus, for calling me a friend when I've sent you away. Thank you for loving me when I make myself unlovable. Thank you for the community you've given me. Thank you for teaching us what it is to love because I don't know how I could have made it through any of this without the love that I've been richly supplied with. Thank you for knowing me, really knowing me. Thank you for seeking me, for holding me, for walking alongside me. For going before me and keeping watch behind me - that when the past is hard on my heels, you've commanded your angels to guard me. Thank you for breaking the chains that I've clung to. Thank you for really sending the elephants on my chest away because they were heavy and I was never meant to hold them so tightly, as if they're really a security blanket. Thank you for job opportunities not given and for relationships not granted. Thank you for being patient with me when I was fed up with you.
So we march on. We march to the gates you've prepared for us, trusting and really, actually, believing that you are the God of abundantly more and that your very best trumps our "good enough" a million times over. We march together in stride of the freedom you bring. We march on and we don't stop because you don't stop.
For from his fullness we have all received grace upon grace.
John 1.16
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