Tomorrow, I'll be 20.

Tomorrow, I'll be 20.

Twenty years old.  I'm excited to be growing up (is that a weird thing to say?).  Understand that I love birthdays.  Like, there are few things I love more than birthdays.  Birthdays are close behind Christmas to me and we all know how much I adore Christmas.

[[disclaimer: bear with me as this post is 100 shades of color.  my head is chaos.]]

It's interesting for me to look back to a year ago.  367 days ago, I vented in To the One that didn't tell me Happy Birthday.  I remember that day really clearly.  I remember the hurt that I felt.  Today, I celebrate freedom from that time in my life.  The Lord fixes and restores things and I know this full well.  

I think that the Lord has restored some things between me and that specific One as well.  Which is a good feeling.  I'm not back to where I was 367 days ago, but being able to move on and to be able to talk to said One without those bad feelings is nice.  Very nice.

While Lindsey is away in Italy, Ward is away at camp, Ashley is in Anderson and traveling all over, and I'm home in Aiken, I've had a lot of time to myself.  Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for the handful of sweet friends that I have here in Aiken.  I'm thankful for Lauren and Allison and the others who love me very well and spend time with me.  But I spend most days alone, filling time with random things like blogging and sleeping and reading and watching so much Scandal (and I'm okay with that, both being alone and Scandal <3).  In my alone time, I've had a lot of time to think and a lot of time to be anxious about those thoughts.  

I mentioned in my last post that I know that this time is a time of growth.  I know that I'm here for a reason.  That I'm both made for this and made new for this.  The mega-lesson that Jesus has taught me recently has to do with His sovereignty.  For me, some things are easy to look back on and see the Lord's hand in.  But other times, it's harder to find the Lord in things.  

In fact, if I'm honest, a lot of the time, it's really hard for me.  In this season, this quiet season, my heart has been reminded about who He is.  I used to be really good at knowing and believing in the sovereignty of the Lord, but lately, I have to chant it a lot just to begin to believe it.

It took me trying everything to distract myself from the random thoughts for me to decide that maybe, just maybe, I should pray about it.  Wtf, right?  I don't know why it took me so long to try that, haha.  But I finally did.

Jesus, please calm my head.  Help me to believe, really believe, that You are bigger than this.  Help me to recognize when my thoughts are not coming from You, but rather, from the enemy.  Help me to trust You.

And since then, my misery has seized (drammaaaaa queeennnnn).  Since then, the quiet has been a lot easier.  Not only has it been easier, but it's been healthier.  I've a little bit figured out how to use that quiet time for the Lord and THAT is a beautiful thing to know.  Jesus says ask and you shall receive and that is a wonderful promise.

Tomorrow, I'll be 20.  Tomorrow, I'll be two decades old.  7,300 days old.  I'm thankful that Jesus has made those days matter.  I'm thankful to know Him.  I'm thankful for the hard times and the happy times.  I'm thankful for the nineteen birthdays that have come before this one and I'm praying for those that I hope will follow this one.  

In honor of that birthday, I've complied a list of 20 things I've learned about life.  That might seem silly (I mean, it's only been 20 years…), but I like to think that I've got an older soul (maybe I'm really like 30 or something. #grandmaBren).  

1.  Learning is one of the biggest, if not the biggest, aspects of life.  You should never, ever stop learning.  About life and love and goodness and Jesus and happiness and everything.

2.  People can help you and hurt you.  It's up to you to decide which way that pendulum swings.

3.  It's okay to not be okay.  It's okay to hurt and cry and feel something other than great.

4.  You owe it to yourself to give yourself time.  Time to heal, time to be happy, time to hurt, time to believe.  You can't stop time and it's an injustice to let it pass without being worthwhile.

5.  Believing in yourself is one of the best things you could ever learn how to do (and yes, I think you have to learn how to do that).

6.  No good relationship exists only in text.  Real communication is a very good thing.  I don't believe texting is bad at all.  But I don't think that two people can thrive in community based only on text.  

7.  Breathe a lot.  You can do that without realizing or you can do it consciously.  I think both are important and both can teach you things.

8.  Celebrate friendships and relationships and family.

9.  You don't have to apologize for taking care of yourself.  DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

10.  Even if you don't feel like it, sometimes you should just say yes.  You'll remember the fun you had and the laughs you laughed.

11.  Milkshakes and cookies are delicious.  And even if I shouldn't eat both in one day, I will because I believe in the power of delicious things.

12.  When it comes to speaking your mind, it's better to say it all than to not say enough.

13.  People are hard.

14.  I don't have it all figured out and I thank Jesus for that all the time.

15.  Writing is good and it should be done often.  Reading, too.  Both have lots of power and both can grow you more than you could and would anticipate.

16.  You shouldn't eat at the same restaurants over and over.  You should try new things.  You'll never know what you can love if you don't try.

17.  Perspective is everything and a healthy one is so important.

18.  Not everything is worth fighting.  Your battles should be chosen wisely.  

19.  Be careful.  You hold a lot of power to do a lot of damage or goodness to those around you.  Choose very carefully.

20.  Being a diva is absolutely okay (and encouraged).  You'll never be sorry for being happy.

I'm hoping for and declaring big things over the Year of 20.  I'm declaring big things over my 20s.  I'm thrilled to see what Jesus will do.

Thank you for sticking with me.  Thanks for loving me well and encouraging me.  Cheers to all that Jesus is doing.

sidenote: I'm updating my bio on this blog and I am SAD SAD SAD about that.  It's been the same for years and now, I have to change it.  But yay for growing up!