I lost all my wisdom (thanks dentist, SATC, and the Downfall). *hairflip hairflip hairflip*

"It's all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit."

Gemini Horoscope for Monday, December 16, 2013: Okay, Gemini, you've put in a lot of thought on the problems you're facing.  You may feel alternately worried, frustrated, or anxious.  But it's time to stop all that.  You've done your fair share of feeling bad.  It's time to feel good.  It's time to get into the holiday spirit.  While this year may have had its share of ups and downs, the year ahead will be oh-so-much better.  So start thinking ahead with happy enthusiasm.  Start planning all the wonderful ways you will find joy as we get closer and closer to 2014.  Being happy is so much more fun that being worried, frustrated, and anxious.

I'm currently sitting in Atlanta Bread, chewing an egg and cheese croissant with my two front teeth.  I have on no makeup, I barely managed to brush my front eight teeth, and I have on the leggings that I wore yesterday... and the day before.  I'm also currently the definition of attractive; come and get it, boys.

For those of you who don't know (I've complained enough, so I don't even know how you wouldn't know), I had my four wisdom teeth extracted yesterday.  It was unlike what I thought it would be.  Three veins to get an IV (and if you know me at all, you know how much this was my favorite part.............) and I was out like a light.  I woke up halfway through the surgery to what felt like a chainsaw in my mouth.  Tears started pouring, not out of pain, but I don't know what they were about.  I just really wanted to go home.

I can give more gory details, but I'll spare those of you with weak stomachs.

Anyway.  I'm healing much better than I would have ever imagined.  My cheeks are barely swollen at the moment, though that part should peak tomorrow.  Medicine helps a lot.  And I can smile today, which is so, so important! 

Also, let me take a moment to brag on my wonderful, loving, best friend Mommy.  She's been waiting on me, hand and foot and teeth.  Bringing me endless bowls of ice cream, waking up at midnight, 3 am, and 6 am, just to tell me to take my medicine, despite my offer to set my own alarm.  She's watched movies with me, taken off of work for me, and made homemade chili for me (<3<3<3).  Grateful, grateful, grateful.  And so blessed by a great friend, mom, caretaker, parent, nurse, chef, cleaner, and woman.

Also grateful for sweet friends that send sweet texts and sweet snapchats. <3

Thanks, Monica. <3

And thank you, Ashley. <3

Being home is great.  It's chaotic and frustrating and I'm even more diva than usual, but I wouldn't trade that for anything.  

Another recent revelation I've had?  I've become anti-boy.
Literally, when I told a friend that yesterday, she asked if that was Brenna or my drugs speaking, haha.  I confidently her that it was the new and improved Brenna speaking--the Brenna that is learning more and more about herself everyday.  
No, I'm not a lesbian yet, the boys haven't pushed me to that yet (JK JK JK, NEVER. JUST A JOKE, DON'T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY, I'M ON OXYCODONE).  But really.  I think it's a combination of the Downfall of a Certain Person and watching so much Sex and the City.  I have no desire to be anywhere close to being in a relationship right now.  No desire at all.  And I don't feel lonely or heartbroken or upset or sad or depressed.  I just feel really good.  

I'm at a point in my life where I never saw myself being able to be.  I seriously love myself and love being happy more than ever before.  And I am not ready to share that love yet.  I'm not ready to share myself, how selfish is that?  I just want to be young and fabulous and diva and fun.  I want to have sleepovers and watch movies and enjoy my girlfriends, dang it.  

This all comes back to me falling in love with myself.  If you haven't managed that art yet, I recommend you try.  Someone (thank you, Summer. You motivate me to love myself more and more everyday) asked me a few weeks ago how I came to love myself and this was the only response I could make up:

"It is absolutely okay to not be (a size 2).  Really, look in the mirror, in panties and a bra, and think about the power within you.  You're smart and strong and you've been through a lot of shit.  And your body carries all that.  Our bodies are to be PRAISED.  It's just about being comfortable.  Your flaws are what make you.  Your ridiculousness makes you perfect.  The bad jokes you tell and the comments you shouldn't say out loud and the prayers you pray make you you.  And that's something to be praised.  It's beautiful.  I never understood loving myself until recently.  But it's key.  To everything in life.  To loving others, to appreciating others, to having grace, to praising God, to understanding where and what you've been saved from.  You have to, have to love yourself.  
I think it started with people regularly calling me Diva, really.  And then defining what I think makes me a "diva".  Diva can mean anything you want.  You just have to see yourself as worth it.  Soak in the gospel, the real gospel: God created a world and it was great, perfect.  Sinful man and woman messed it up.  God sent a king to fix it.  Sinful man killed the king, the king took the death for my sake.  To make me right.  Grace to save me.  Mercy to set me free.  And now, I'm free.  Free to be me.  Free to love.  That's the gospel.  I have to remind myself of it often.  And meditate on your flaws.  Meditate on the fact that you mess up a lot, BUT YOU'RE TRYING.  that's the key.  You try, even when you know you'll fail.  If you can't see the worth in that, try harder.  Humans are strong and powerful.  And loving yourself is all about loving, knowing, and praising the power within you.  And let me be the first to say it's not always easy.  But it's worth it.  And it does get easier.  Just remember what you deserve and what the King of the world thinks of you.  Remind yourself of that often."

"I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, 'I love you.'  There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt." - Maya Angelou

So cheers to happy me and happy you.  Cheers to an even more fabulous you and I in 2014.  Cheers to 20 and to growing up and to loving people.  Cheers to loving a lot, a lot.  Cheers to being good, so good.  Cheers to happiness and youthfulness and doing what it needed and desire.  After all, you matter a lot. 

"Stuff your eyes with wonder.  Live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds.  See the world.  It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories." - Ray Bradbury

Also.  I finished with 3 As, 3 Bs in the semester from Hell, a 3.4 GPA. Thanks for the prayers.

Merry Christmas.  I hope it's sweet and happy and thankful.  

We were just kids, with our hopes, with our dreams, with our faults

Kids by Saints of Valory

"Brenna, are you on duty tonight?"

I nod reluctantly, less than thrilled to sit in the lobby until midnight when there's no RSVP and after I just worked five hours at Old Navy.  

"Lucky for you, I'm baking cookies."

You know, as soon as you start to pout, Jesus just gotta step in and interrupt your whines, convict you of not counting your blessings.  Funny how that works.

This week has been good.  Better than good, great.  The best I've felt in a long time.  I almost wish I could say that I don't know why that is because I'm in denial or my recent and not so recent (a year ago) mistakes, but really, I know exactly why it is.  And you know what?  I'm okay with moving on.

Sometimes you need space, a lot of space.  From people.  People that remind you of the past that there is no way you're going back to, people that are the past that there is no way you're going back to.  People that damage you, people that are toxic to you.

This is precisely why, over the last two days or so, I've completed the entire first season (12 episodes) + 5 episodes of Season 2 of Sex and the City.  If I've learned anything about letting your heart heal, it's that you need time and a lot of it.  Time really does mend all wounds, whether said wounds are lessons learned or mistakes made (sometimes it's both and that's okay, too).

And time is okay.  It's okay to need space.  It's okay to think a lot.  It's okay to feel some bad stuff.  It's okay to count your blessings, I try to do that often.  

I've dealt with my fair share of broken hearts in my 19 and 1/2 short years, often followed by losing myself in a good book or five or a lot, lot, lot of trips to Yogurt Mountain, filled with one-sided conversations that I can politely agree and laugh with (not that this is a bad thing, but sometimes you need to just listen to someone talk and fill that quiet space before you think) or watching lots of movies.  See, it's easy to lose your own life in someone else's.  Not that my little problems and trials are vanished, but for a moment or two, it feels dang good to forget about them.

I've created my own therapy in Carrie Bradshaw.  She's great and I know a lot of people disagree, but I don't care.  Carrie is fabulous.  SINGLE and fabulous at that.  And she's empowering.  I haven't been this confident in my thoughts, my body, my attractiveness (I don't think I'm that hot, but it is nice to like yourself), my singleness, my future.  And you know what?  It might be sinful (#SATC), but if it makes me feel better, I count it as worth it.

And if you're at all doubting that Brenna is back with vengeance, know that I'm listening to this right now.  Literally.  Lolol.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rbm6GXllBiw

Anyway.  This post may make next to no sense, but I felt like I needed to follow up from the last one.  And I know I say thank you to you guys in almost every post, but really, thank you.  I couldn't ever say that enough.  You people have seen more of me than I tell anyone (even my family).  For some reason, I can write much easier than I can talk.  But regardless, I'm stumped and emotional about the feedback I got from my last post.  Without your sweet hearts to cheer me on, I'd be right back to my recent mistakes.  And we all know where that leads me.  So thank you.  Thank you for listening, for praying for me, for not giving up on me, for not getting too exasperating with me, and for all the while, still managing to treat me as a friend.  I know sometimes I'm dumb and foolish, but guarding my heart, onward we go.

I'm counting my blessings.  Remembering all that the Lord has blessed me with, despite my innate, rebellious heart.  Why I'm so attracted to danger is unknown to me.  

And just to reinforce the fact that I really am back, here's a selfie.  Cause we know I love selfies.  Love you people.  

Reinventing Myself, Take #894392498

"you are terrifying and strange and beautiful.  something not everyone knows how to love."

Hm.  I'm really late on coming back here.  It's been more than a week, what the heck.  This is gonna be a long, random, here's-my-thoughts-on-the-universe post, but I promise to try my best to make it somewhat entertaining.  

Happy November, Part 3

November was a roller coaster of a month, much like this semester has been.  For the last part of the month, rather than listing day by day, I'm thankful for the following: great, great, great friends, family that loves me no matter what, nieces that are so sweet ("Brenna, I'm so proud of you").  I'm thankful for IHOP trips and laughs that don't quit.  I'm thankful for nose piercings and friends that want to rebel a little with you.  I'm thankful for broken hearts that point you to Jesus' redemptive work.  I'm thankful for Jesus.  So thankful.  I'm thankful for kind words and harsh words, thankful for tough situations.  I'm thankful that I'm genuinely a happy person.  I'm thankful that the depression I sometimes feel doesn't stay too long.  I'm thankful that I can see the glass as half full.  

I think I've dreaded and hated this semester so much because Jesus has taught me too much.  It seems like every time I turn, He's teaching me. correcting me, fixing me, reminding me, warning me, pushing me, pulling me.  To say that I'm being stretched is an understatement.  I've never felt so pulled in so many different directions.  

But I know that I come out on top.  Which is literally my mantra lately.  If I wasn't meant for this, it wouldn't be happening.  If I couldn't handle this (really, what do you do when you "can't handle it"?  People, including me, are so dramatic.  We can handle anything.), then I wouldn't be forced to handle it.  My heart has just felt so heavy lately.  Heavy, not just because I'm sad sometimes, but because my emotions are seriously exhausting me.  

But again, I'm made for this.  And when I'm not made for it, Jesus is making me into someone that is made for this.  So, I introduce to you, the new and improved Brenna.  I suppose this is kind of like reaffirming and enhancing on the Diva post, but here it is:

Anything Could Happen by Ellie Goulding

The new Brenna is even sassier (right?  You didn't think it could happen, but HERE I AM).  It's about loving Jesus, first and foremost.  Jesus isn't an afterthought, He isn't a backup plan, He isn't a prayer after the storm.  And I'm not saying this is easy.  But you have to constantly remind yourself of Jesus.  CONSTANTLY.  Every moment, every second, every chance, every problem, every smile, every blessing, every friend, always.  That's work, but Jesus wins, always.  The new Brenna pauses for no one.  That sounds pretty heartless and maybe it is, but you cannot wait for people to see your worth.  Those who choose to see you--really see you and appreciate you and try to know you--are the people worth your time.  Anyone else that takes time to even falter over whether or not you're worth it, no.  You flip your hair and you move on.  The new Brenna is graceful, in all definitions of the word.  I'm learning to carry myself with grace, carry my emotions with grace (aka have patience with myself, with others, and with my feelings about both), and be graceful with others.  The new Brenna is kind.  This is a little hard for me sometimes because I don't always choose to play nicely.  But you know what?  If the kindness of the Lord leads me to repentance, who gave me the right to not anything but kind?  The new Brenna loves a lot.  I've warned against that before, but if November has taught me anything, it's how to fall back in love with things.  For instance, I have fallen head over heels back in love with my family, especially my mom and sister (they're my best friends).  I'm obsessed with those two and I cannot get enough, ever.  And the new Brenna is falling back in love with herself: mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.  

I've accepted that I think things through a lot.  A whole lot.  I've accepted, and even come to love, that I challenge ideas and I analyze everything.  I've accepted that I'll never be a size two (I'm okay with my body, but some days, I'm not okay with it).  I've accepted that I have curves.  And get this, I even look in the mirror now and praise myself.  This is almost a daily ritual and it's highly recommended to any and all.  I like the way my hips flare out a little too far, the way my legs are too big, the way I'm almost six feet tall, the way my hair isn't as long as I'd like it, the way my teeth aren't the straightest.  Loving yourself physically comes much easier when you rest in the knowledge that one day, your husband will adore every part of you.  He'll adore my too-big hips, my half-frizzy hair, my long legs that I wish were a little shorter sometimes.  I've accepted that I'm emotional (even that I'm emotional enough for all the females on the East Coast).  I've accepted that crying is common for me.  I've accepted that little things bring me joy and little things can rip me up as well.  And that's okay.  I'm okay with the fact that I feel a lot.  I've accepted that I need Jesus, a lot.  More than I even realize.  I've accepted that Jesus is constant.  Sometimes I choose to doubt this because I'm a bad person and I don't deserve for something so good, so perfect to be constant for someone like me, but know what?  He's here to stay.  And I either accept that or continue in the downward spiral.  I wouldn't change any of these things about myself and that's part of loving yourself-not wanting to change yourself.

I think, from time-to-time, we could all use a reminder of who we are and of who the Lord says that we are.  Here's a list, both for you and me:

You are loved.  You are cherished.  You are celebrated.  You are worth it.  You are worthy.  You are deserving.  You are broken, and that's okay.  You are not perfect.  You are not expected to be perfect.  You are okay, more okay than you think or feel.  You are beautiful.  You are heavenly, made to be seated beside the King forever and ever.  You are smart.  You are wise.  You have wisdom.  You are bigger.  You have overcome.  You are treasured.  You are a diamond.  You are sought after.  You are fought for.  You are necessary.  You are a friend.  You are prayed for.  You are safe.  You are adorable (not in a sense of "OMG, you're so cute [though you are], but in a sense of "You are so eternally adored, by the King, by your friends, by your family.").  You are good enough.  You are capable.  You are important.  You are not alone.  

You know what else is important?  To see the good in things. and in people.  What if we looked at those things that bother and frustrate us as adorable because they make the people that bother and frustrate us who they are, even if they still bother us? (#whut).  This is easier said than done because it's a choice.  You either choose to see the good or you choose to let it bother you.  You either choose to like it or you choose to hate it.  Really, it's all psychological.

And one last note: you deserve to feel.  And beyond that, you deserve to know how you feel.  And even beyond that, you should be man (lady or boy) enough to tell people how you feel when appropriate.  Sometimes you have to distance yourself from people.  If they care, they will notice and be bothered.  If not, you know where you stand.  That's all I'm gonna say about that one.

You deserve to be in love with your life, every minute of it.  

If you've stuck with me this far, you're a champ.  Thanks for listening to my rambling.  I'm fully aware that I'm a chaotic mess, but I'm just flippin my hair and embracing that.  

To close, if you haven't taken the 16personalities test, I HIGHLY recommend it.  You learn about yourself.  If you're interested, I'm an INFJ and here's what the test says about me- INFJ Personality.  

Thank you.  Thank you for loving me enough to sneak inside of my head.  Thanks for praying for me and for attempting to understand me.  Thank you for choosing to see me.  Forever indebted to my readers.  Hope I inspire y'all as much as y'all inspire me.

Life comes without guarantees, except that smiling will brighten your face, laughing will enhance your eyes, and falling in love will change your life.  She pulled back her hair, set her sights on God, and vowed to finish her race in victory.

Guarding my heart, onward we go.  Hello December.