Butterflies and Backroads

176 miles, two hours and two minutes, of back roads, after a weekend of football, reading old texts, laughing until crying, and sleeping a lot gives you too much time to think.  Guitar chords and raspy voices through the speakers, your own playlist of The Family Crest, The Lumineers, John Butler, The Spill Canvas, Lucero, City and Coulour, Kings of Leon, Third Eye Blind, Blink 182, Of Monsters and Men, The Civil Wars, Ed Sheeran, and The Killers.  Windows down and 76.  The sun warms your skin, while the shade gives you chills.  Your heart is heavy, weighed down by that small town you're driving away from, your head cloudy with thoughts from every direction.  You see a lot on those South Carolina backroads.  A father playing with his daughter on a side street, a church for every mile, people traveling by bikes, people walking, people laughing, daughters playing in the front yard while moms chat nearby, a softball game, homes for sale, homes being built, homes run down.  Open fields, a cow or two, picket fences.  But most of all, you see butterflies.

They flutter into your lane, making you swerve a little to be kind.  If you're like me, you'll worry about those butterflies.  Dangerously flying into the road without realizing the danger.  They weigh only a gram or two and your car at 65 miles an hour could easily cause them harm.  As I blow by, I always look in the rearview to make sure they're okay.  Almost always, those graceful butterflies are fluttering away behind me, unharmed by the draft.

Butterflies make me think.  Somehow, my spiritual gift is thinking, I think.  How do they survive that?  Gusts of wind that threaten to take them over are seemingly nothing for them to handle.  Unhurt and unafraid, my checking on them is useless because I know they'll only be fine.

Perhaps it's the grace that makes them fine.  If you ask me, there is next to nothing more graceful than a butterfly, delicate and sensitive, but strong and fearless.  So in being filled with grace, the winds are no battle for those butterflies.

I wish I was more like that.
I wish I was more aware of the grace I have that I didn't fret when the winds came.  I wish I could fearlessly step into adversity, completely and wholly/holy ready for the threat approaching.  I wish I would wander without abandon, going to places unknown, seeing everything.

Grace is important.  And being aware of our grace is a billion times more important.  Grace makes us brave, lets us love,  it builds us up, it gives us strength, fights for us, and steps in the gap.  Without grace, butterflies, and we, would be without a prayer.

I'm not totally sure what I'm trying to say, but I have this theory going and if I'm lucky, someone will catch on.  Words are hard sometimes, especially when thoughts come easy.  Thank God for grace.  Thank God for being infinitely big enough to create, but lovingly intimate enough to know.



"Brenna, you're a great girl.  By far the most intelligent, understanding, passionate, and caring person I've ever met.  God really did create an angel when you were birthed."
How weird life is.  Always changing itself and always changing us.  Shaping us.  And as we explore life, we learn.  How weird is that?  We meet people and we make relationships and we grow together and we learn, learn, learn.  We learn about ourselves, about others, about the world, about ideas, about morals, about the One who is greater than us.
Thank God that we learn and that He gives us the opportunity to learn.  To learn about grace and love that knows no boundary and about hope and about assuming the best in others and about being strong and about being weak.

Obviously my head is all over the dang place.  I'm not sure what to think or type (very obvious, I'm praying for you if you've made it this far in the post).  Jesus is just really good.  And really big and really small.  And for some reason, He chose me.
I didn't become a Christian until I was fifteen, but long before that, God put the traits of a Christian in me.  How peculiar is that.  He made me a Christian much before I could ever call myself a "Christian".  He knew who I would become and He chose to simply shape me for fifteen years.  Those fifteen years are so, so precious to me, almost as valuable to my testimony as me finding Jesus.  Grace is what made those fifteen years.  Thank God that He had grace on me and that He wasn't done with me after my fifteen years of running.

Life is hard and life is easy.  It's beautiful, so intricate and marvelous.

I tell you what.  I need to look at some stars soon.  I always get to thinking that my problems are big, but I need to have a come-to-Jesus where I realize how silly I'm being.  Jesus made all of this for us--the stars, the skies, the sunsets, the grass, the mountains, the valleys, the oceans.  He has made us a whole planet to enjoy and love.  And He still searches my heart.  He still convicts me.  He stills shines through me.  He still chooses me.  And I'm on my knees in awe of how He loves me.

You see a lot on those South Carolina backroads.  A lot of brokenness, but so, so much beauty.  You think a lot.  About where you're headed (literally and futuristically) (disclaimer: I don't think futuristically is a word) (disclaimer 2: I don't care), about where you're coming from, about who is going with you to that place, about Who will always be with you through that trip, about that small town that is Home, about the Home you're going to, about your eternal Home, about love, about hope, about forgiveness, and about grace

My hearts swells with these things.  I thank God for all that He has made my brain able to handle.  How one person can think as much as I do has got to be some sort of spiritual gift (also the answer to my headaches).  I don't know what I'm trying to say and maybe I never will know, but thank you for reading.  Thank you for growing with me.  Thank you for giving me the chance.  Thank you for grace with me.

And thank you, God, for butterflies and backroads.

Jesus is Kind

So, since the last time I posted, I've gotten a job!

Some lunatics finally decided to hire me, hah.  They're in for a treat.  Jk, jk, kinda.  But Old Navy in Anderson has decided to hire me.  I should have known that Jesus would perfectly knit this together, seeing as Old Navy was only my second job application in Anderson.  (The first was Victoria's Secret.  It's probably appropriate that that failed because (a) I could not deal with men in the store and (b) my paycheck would be so shot.)

ANYWAY.  I had a little baby heart attack today when I wrote out all the days that I would need off of work from now through December.  This attack came, not only because of fear that they wouldn't want me anymore because my list is pretty large with school and RA stuff, but mainly because I worry about being able to handle it.

Then I got to thinking.  How foolish is it of me to think that Jesus would call me to this job, only to watch me fail.  I know I come to this point a lot: I know that God is working for my good, BUT the Lord gives and the Lord takes away (cue drama queen) and what if He takes this away from me?!

Yes, yes, I'm basically reading your mind right now.  "Omg, Brenna, chill."  But really, I was so worried.  

I often times forget that the Lord is kind and that He is good.  And that He won't call me to something, take it away, and make things rougher for me.  God will never call me to something worse.  He only gets better.  The best really is yet to come.

It's been resting in my heart today that the Lord is kind.  He is sweet.  He is loving.  And above all, He is with me.  In the calm, in the chaos, when I feel like my life is spiraling out of control, when my life really is spiraling out of control, when I can't see clearly, when I don't want to move forward, when I can't find my way.

Praise God that He is at work within me.  I firmly believe that I have not yet (and will not) arrive, but it is such a comfort to know that the Lord is never done working on us.  He is constantly shaping us.  Praise God for that.  Thank God that this isn't where my story ends.  Thank God that this isn't my peak.  Thank God that He is patient, so, so patient.

I hope this is an encouragement for you.  God doesn't call us from good things into worse things, but rather, from good things to greater things.

Prayer Time: God, you are greater and I pray that you would help us to recognize that.  I pray that you would constantly draw us to you.  Thank you for better days.  Thank you for long, rough days because we know that even in those, you're at work and you're building us into something greater.  Thank you for kindness.  Thank you for your gentle heart that loves and loves and loves and moves in our lives.  I pray that we would rest in the truth that you are more, immeasurably more, and that you are faithful.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

"God is able through His mighty power at work within us to accomplish 

infinitely more than we might ask or think."  Ephesians 3:20

Diva?

What does being a diva really mean?

"They're also fun, positive, and willing to share the spotlight. 'Having a healthy diva around brings a lot of sparkle,' says a psychologist quoted in the essay. 'They make your world more interesting and pleasurable because you can bask in their spotlight with them.'"

Strip Me - Natasha Bedingfield

I might be totally ridiculous for even posting this, but I'm just yolo-ing my way through everything these days. *hairflip*

I feel like an explanation about what a "diva" really is is needed.  I get called Diva at least once a day (lol'ing at myself as I type this).  But I take joy in being a diva.  I take joy in what that means.  With that being said, I feel like I owe a definition of what being a diva really means to me.

Being a diva isn't about being over the top and ridiculous and high maintenance and unnecessary (though I know I'm all of those things).  Diva isn't about thinking you're better than everyone and thinking that you deserve better than everyone.  No, it's not about having a big head or being spoiled or being a princess simply for the sake of being ridiculous.  

Being a diva is being confident in the woman that you are.  It's standing for what you believe in.  It's loving life and loving people.  It's knowing that you deserve the world, not because it is entitled to you, but because you know your worth.  It's knowing that you deserve the best because you are as precious as diamonds.  It's embracing the awkward for the sake of love.  It's loving you and loving others.  It's being a princess because it's okay to love you and to be very happy with the person that you are.  It's getting your nails done, buying yourself flowers, taking personal days, and retail therapy because life is hard and quite frankly, you deserve a break sometimes.  It's working hard for what you want and not taking your blessings for granted, but in the same light, not being afraid to brag about what you've worked for.  It's being sexy and attractive and comfortable in your skin.  It's empowering and fulfilling.  It's a lifestyle and a lesson.  
Through embracing myself, I've coined the term "diva", not because I needed a word to set myself apart from others, but because I wanted to remember who I'm striving to be.  It's not high maintenance when you work hard and play harder.  It's about getting what you deserve because so often, what we deserve is taken from us.  It's about stepping into the world and taking what you want, not out of selfishness, but because the world is yours to take.  It's standing in front of the world and saying, "you know what?  I know I deserve better than this and I'm going to receive better than this because I'm a strong woman that is in charge of her own life."  It's about taking risks and taking opportunities because you deserve that.  You deserve fun.  You deserve love.  And you deserve a full, happy life, dang it.

It's being so happy with the person that you are, while you still know that there is much room for improvement, and the person you are becoming because you know you're being shaped into something wonderful.  It's letting yourself be hurt and be happy.  It's letting your hair down when you shouldn't, it's taking a nap when there's everything in the world to do, it's dancing when you're stressed.  It's driving fast, music up, windows down, screaming, crying, laughing, smiling, and being so alive that you could combust. 

It's being needy and over the top because someone has to be, right?  Maybe that's a little much, but really, I don't mind.  Someone has to do it, might as well be me.

It's loving your friends and family and taking every chance you get to brag on them.  It's not prideful, but rather grateful.  It's being blessed and blessing others. 

It's apologizing when wrong.  It's praising others when deserved.  It's recognizing your flaws and your strengths. It's praising Jesus for all that you are, imperfections and all.  It's knowing full well that the Lord has blessed you and that He loves you immeasurably more.  It's looking at yourself through a different lens--one that sees someone strong and beautiful and comfortable and lovely because that's what you are.

It's using tongue emojis at all the wrong times, sending thirsty, "tell-me-I'm-pretty" snapchats in the middle of the night (because we all deserve to hear that we're beautiful sometimes), loving and hating the wrong boys.  

In all of that, sometimes (often) (okay, very often) I'm ridiculous.  But I'm not apologizing because I'm happy with the person that I am and the person that Jesus is shaping me into.  Within all of this, it's really just being madly in love with your life and yourself.  Not to the point of being prideful or selfish or crazy or entitling of yourself, but it's knowing that life is a beautiful ride and that you deserve to be able to embrace that beauty.

I encourage you all to be Divas.  If you don't take control of your life, everyone else will.  And that is simply not an option for strong, beautiful, Jesus-loving ladies because we deserve the chance to live life abundantly.  I always say it's a lifestyle and I truly believe that.  It's constant growth into the woman you wish to be.  Though I'm content with the woman I am, I know that I have not "arrived" and that I never will.  Life never ends and growing never ends.  Praise Jesus for that.  

I believe that there is nothing sexier than a confident woman.  And you know what?  You deserve to be sexy.  You deserve to be smart and strong and independent and beautiful and God-fearing and sassy and perfectly imperfect.

It's learning who you can be and loving who you are.  Praise Jesus, praise Jesus, praise Jesus. 


Proverbs 31: 10-31: A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long. She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing. She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places and brings back exotic surprises. She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day. She looks over a field and buys it, then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden. First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started. She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day. She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking. She’s quick to assist anyone in need, reaches out to help the poor. She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear. She makes her own clothing, and dresses in colorful linens and silks. Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers. She designs gowns and sells them, brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops. Her clothes are well-made and elegant, and she always faces tomorrow with a smile. When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly. She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive. Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise: “Many women have done wonderful things, but you’ve outclassed them all!” Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God. Give her everything she deserves! Festoon her life with praises!

I hope this encourages someone.  I pray this encourages someone.  Be you because that is such a beautiful thing.  I'm in tears because I so passionately love what God is doing here.  I love you all, thanks for putting up with me.  

And here's a link to a Cosmo article that every diva should read <3
We Should All Be Healthy Divas: Ready, Set, GO.

hashtag uh?

Gone, Gone, Gone by Phillip Phillips

Disclaimers:

1. My emotional state is highly questionable right now.  You've been warned.
2. That song is just really good.  Somewhat irrelevant to this post, but that's alright, I think.
3. My blogs are always the same? Thanks for reading anyway, I'm super grateful for y'all.

I cannot even stress how good Jesus' faithfulness is.  #divineintervention is basically the story of my life always and definitely recently.

On Sunday, at NewSpring, we talked about a lot of things, but a few things hit me straight in the heart.  One of them was this:

You determine the size of your miracle.  

Fill it all the way and be blessed all the way.  

Fill it halfway, receive half the blessing.  

The same measure we use is the same measure given back to us.

WHOA.  Knock me on my back.  

I often try to get God to bless things that I've never turned over to Him.  "Jesus, please work in this relationship, but I'm still in control of it and I'm calling the shots except for all that is good that you decide to do because I want you to do good things and be good to me and, and, and, and."

What kind of sense does that make?  Why do we (I) think that that's the way it works?

If we want Jesus to bless something, we have to give it to Him to bless.  He's waiting to get His hands on our things, but our selfishness keeps it from Him. 

My selfishness amazes me because it literally knows NO END.  And my craving for Jesus amazes me because I do it so, so wrong. 

To attempt to wrap this (my thought process, this post, and the raging thoughts in my head) up, I'm giving up.  Giving up on fighting losing fights and trying to impress people and chasing, chasing, chasing what cannot be attained.  If it's in the Lord's will, it'll be.  If not, it won't.  Period, the end.  No "if"s, "except"s, "and"s, "but"s, "wait"s, "why"s.  Jesus is Jesus and Jesus is good.  And Jesus is working for MY good.  He's not selfish like I am (PRAISE THE HEAVENS).  

I pray that at least a small part of this encourages you.  I pray that Jesus' perfect peace and love would surround you.

Prayer Time: Jesus, thank you.  Thank you for grace, God.  Thank you for the cross and for what that means for us.  Thank you that we can walk in freedom and still boldly approach your throne as spotless and perfect.  Thank you for making Jesus, the only perfect one ever, imperfect for my behalf.  Knowing that I would run, thank you for giving up your son anyway.  Thank you for peace and love and for a chance to show that love to others.  I pray that this idea of giving to you for you to bless would not be an errant thought, God, but that this would remain on my heart as a reminder to keep myself in check.  Thank you for NewSpring and for the way you speak to us.  I pray that you would continue to silence our hearts and speak to us.  We praise you for who you are.  In your son's name I pray, amen.

this post was somewhat pointless.  Sorry I'm all over the place.  love you people <3<3<3