Keep Calm and Carry On

This Is Our God by Hillsong

"Your grace is enough, more than I need. In your word, I will believe. I wait for you, draw near again. And your spirit, make me new. And I will fall at your feet, I will fall at your feet, and I will worship you here. Your presence in me. Jesus, light the way. By the power of your word, I am restored, I am redeemed. By your spirit, I am free. And I will fall at your feet, I will fall at your feet, and I will worship you here. Freely, you gave it all for us, surrendered your life upon that cross. Great is your love, poured out for all, this is our God. Lifted on high from death to life, forever our God is glorified. Servant and King, rescued the world, this is our God. And I will fall at your feet, I will fall at your feet, and I will worship you here. And I will fall at your feet, I will fall at your feet, and I will worship you here. Freely you gave it all for us, surrendered your life upon that cross. Great is your love, poured out for all, this is our God. Lifted on high from death to life, forever our God is glorified. Servant and King, rescued the world, this is our God."

Finally having a moment to breathe is a very liberating feeling.  I'm surprised my body is still intact because I've pushed myself very much to the core over the last two and a half weeks.

That feeling that all is right in the world is still here.  Anderson is my home.  I feel more calm, more collected (which says a lot, seeing as my life has been chaos lately), and more comfortable here than I have in the last six months.  

I'm not exactly sure how to approach putting my thoughts into words because I already feel radically changed since I have gotten here.  I'll try to make sense.

It's funny how God has perfectly orchestrated everything since the beginning of time.  As many times as I have realized that, you'd think that I would expect it, but I am never prepared.  Jesus has much grander plans for my life than I will ever realize.  All things that I was nervous about in coming to Anderson have been blessed tenfold.

Starting with my staff.  I wasn't prepared to cry, laugh, slave, craft, and share testimonies with these girls.  I expected to be close to them, but I never expected to call Ashley, Emily, Lauren, other Emily, Beth, Mary Katherine, Laura, Courtney, and my RD, Ashley, my best friends.  In the few short weeks that we've known each other, my walls have been very much broken down.  And I praise God for that.  I praise Him for the friendships that He is building, for perfectly giving me just what I need before I even realize that I need it.

And my girls.  I never thought that my heart could swell up as much as it has over the smallest of things.  I take joy in hearing their laughs through the walls (that sounds super creepy, but #yolo), letting them into their rooms when they lock themselves out, helping them fill out work requests, laughing with them, explaining rules to them, hugging them, everything.  Everyone told me that I would be the one most blessed by this job and I didn't understand what that meant until they arrived.  I'm very blessed to have them and to be able to love on them.  

And Jesus.  Jesus has made a HUGE appearance in my life since I got back to Anderson.  When I was home, and even when I was in Anderson in March and April, I was very far from the Lord.  I went to church maybe three times this summer.  I never read my Bible.  Never prayed.  But God has a way of gently, but very burdeningly (totes not a word), bringing you back to Him.  In my most fragile of states, I cried daily, missing home and feeling highly inadequate for the job that I had gotten myself into.  I knew that coming here and being an RA was all in His doing because He burdened on me to apply until I finally did, but I felt lost and confused and very angry that He had brought me into this without giving me a clear way of handling my new situation.  So, of course, He broke me down to nothing and built me back up on Him.  That sounds weird and church-y, but it's exactly how it went down.  Jesus brought me back Home, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally.

Praise God for all He has done.  I know full well that the Lord is good.  He's working in my favor, even when I don't understand, at all.  Which is basically all the time.

Pray for me?  Pray that this wouldn't just be a quick thing, but that I would continually move forward with my eyes fixed on Jesus and Jesus alone.  I need prayer.  "Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it.  Prone to leave the God I love."   Why is that me?  I wish I could be stronger, but I'm not and I continually seek my own ways and my own desires.

I still cry a lot and I'm still feeling very raw and emotionally drained, but it's easier to focus on the good stuff when I know that Jesus has my back.  He always has, but for some reason, I just now finally get it.

Thank you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I'm praying for y'all as well.  Let me know if you need anything.  Brenna is finally back.  Jesus is good.

Psalm 61:2

It's been a long time since I've been here (both in Anderson and here, typing), but it's good to be back and it's good to be home.  

I moved in last Wednesday and to say that it was hard would be a big understatement.  It took me a couple of days to adjust and get over the emotional heartache of leaving things at home in a different state than I would have chosen to.

And now, as I type in my quiet, new, very junky and overcrowded dorm room, I feel in the most perfect of places that I've been in my life in the last year or so.  I'm only here early because of the Lord's calling of me to be an RA and I'm still unsure of the whole process.  It wasn't at all what I wanted, but Jesus has a way of calling you out and calling you up.  There are times when I'm overwhelmed by the weight of what I've gotten myself into.  I'm excited for the doors that this will open for me, but I'm also crippled by the fear of rejection, of my girls not liking me, of not being sufficient for them.  It's the biggest comfort of all to know that the God of this whole crazy, big, complicated universe entrusts me to do this job.  But I think even that is somewhat prideful to say because I know that though I represent Him, I'm nothing without Him.  So really, He's trusting His ability and my reliance on His ability.  That's almost scarier than Him just trusting me to execute the job--knowing that He's only entrusting me because He knows that I'll rely on Him.  Scary and reassuring and comforting.

I'm not sure if any of that makes any sense, things tend to sound better in my head.

I can already feel myself being the one most affected by this position that I'm in.  The Lord has given me no choice but to rely on Him (it's funny how He works).  After a year of relying on myself and others, He's finally breaking me down and forcing me to rely on Him.  It's no accident that I'm in the dorm I didn't want to be in, doing a job that I never really wanted to do, currently living in a room and on a floor all alone.  I've been tossed into something wild and even though that makes my head spin, I know that this is all His doing and I can't help but relax.  And if you know anything about me, you probably know that that's not easy and it's something I struggle.

I'm rigid and complicated and uptight and it seems that God is breaking me down, one situation, person, relationship, encounter, at a time.  I'm thrilled for the experience and to see what He has for me.  I've already learned more about myself in the last five days than I have in the last six months.  So, so blessed by the Lord's provision and love.

That love is a very challenging, persistent, consuming thing.  Once you catch even the slightest glimpse, you're sucked into that storm that wrecks you and challenges you and chases after you, begging you to let it in.  God's love is more than fathomable and it hits all the way to your core.  I literally just scratched my head trying to think of how this right, but there is no way.  God is love and love is a very beautiful thing.

Thanks for sticking by me.  I've been in a rough place for the last four or five months and I've kept that very much to myself, but I know that that gets me nowhere.  Thanks for being friends, encouragers, warriors when needed, and family.  I honestly don't know where I'd be without the people in my life.  God is good and I pray that my life would be a testament to that.

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that I higher than I."