Psalm 61:2

It's been a long time since I've been here (both in Anderson and here, typing), but it's good to be back and it's good to be home.  

I moved in last Wednesday and to say that it was hard would be a big understatement.  It took me a couple of days to adjust and get over the emotional heartache of leaving things at home in a different state than I would have chosen to.

And now, as I type in my quiet, new, very junky and overcrowded dorm room, I feel in the most perfect of places that I've been in my life in the last year or so.  I'm only here early because of the Lord's calling of me to be an RA and I'm still unsure of the whole process.  It wasn't at all what I wanted, but Jesus has a way of calling you out and calling you up.  There are times when I'm overwhelmed by the weight of what I've gotten myself into.  I'm excited for the doors that this will open for me, but I'm also crippled by the fear of rejection, of my girls not liking me, of not being sufficient for them.  It's the biggest comfort of all to know that the God of this whole crazy, big, complicated universe entrusts me to do this job.  But I think even that is somewhat prideful to say because I know that though I represent Him, I'm nothing without Him.  So really, He's trusting His ability and my reliance on His ability.  That's almost scarier than Him just trusting me to execute the job--knowing that He's only entrusting me because He knows that I'll rely on Him.  Scary and reassuring and comforting.

I'm not sure if any of that makes any sense, things tend to sound better in my head.

I can already feel myself being the one most affected by this position that I'm in.  The Lord has given me no choice but to rely on Him (it's funny how He works).  After a year of relying on myself and others, He's finally breaking me down and forcing me to rely on Him.  It's no accident that I'm in the dorm I didn't want to be in, doing a job that I never really wanted to do, currently living in a room and on a floor all alone.  I've been tossed into something wild and even though that makes my head spin, I know that this is all His doing and I can't help but relax.  And if you know anything about me, you probably know that that's not easy and it's something I struggle.

I'm rigid and complicated and uptight and it seems that God is breaking me down, one situation, person, relationship, encounter, at a time.  I'm thrilled for the experience and to see what He has for me.  I've already learned more about myself in the last five days than I have in the last six months.  So, so blessed by the Lord's provision and love.

That love is a very challenging, persistent, consuming thing.  Once you catch even the slightest glimpse, you're sucked into that storm that wrecks you and challenges you and chases after you, begging you to let it in.  God's love is more than fathomable and it hits all the way to your core.  I literally just scratched my head trying to think of how this right, but there is no way.  God is love and love is a very beautiful thing.

Thanks for sticking by me.  I've been in a rough place for the last four or five months and I've kept that very much to myself, but I know that that gets me nowhere.  Thanks for being friends, encouragers, warriors when needed, and family.  I honestly don't know where I'd be without the people in my life.  God is good and I pray that my life would be a testament to that.

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that I higher than I."