To the One that didn't tell me Happy Birthday

The Lime Tree by Trevor Hall

This post is different than (and very similar to, all at the same time) my others and I apologize for that.  I've been trying to avoid doing something like this, but I don’t think I can anymore.  Hopefully this will be my last post of this sort.  It’s been a long year and I’m trying.  I feel immature doing this this way and maybe I am, but I don’t care what the opinion of me is anymore.  I didn't type this for attention or pity; in fact, if you try to get me to talk about this post, I probably will close up real quick (sorry).  There’s a lot that I need to say, both for myself and because maybe someone needs to hear it, but here goes.

I can’t stress how important it is to date within your realm.  I know I've said it a million and one times here before, but I’m desperately trying to save you from making the mistake.  Though I knew that I should date within my own realm, I assumed that I could change a person to look like what I needed them to look like.  Now that I’m out of the aftermath of that relationship, I see how foolish I was to think that.

I always believed that you could change people.  But you can’t.  You really can’t.  You can influence people, but at the end of the day, people will go back to who they are and what they know.  Some differences just can’t be looked past.  That within itself should have been enough reason to stop me, but at the time, it wasn't.  The two of us viewed life very differently.

I have a lot of love to give and that’s what my entire life boils down to.  My only intention is love and love and love until I can’t love anymore.  So to try to make something happen between someone like me, the girl that falls in love with a million new things a day, and someone that doesn't know how to love, it doesn't work.  I cared too much while this other person didn't care at all.

I guess that’s where things fell apart.  Well, obviously not only here because there were plenty of reasons for things to fall apart, but this was a big part of it.  It really wasn't all bad, I smiled a lot.  But when the good doesn't outweigh the bad, you have a problem.  And when the bad is as bad as it was for me, you have a real problem.  Cause you can’t force someone to care.

If there’s anything I wish someone would have told me, it would be that you can’t carry others.  It’s not your job to sustain yourself and everyone else.  The burdens of others are not your burdens and you are not responsible for them.  You can’t fix everything, especially the things that have nothing to do with you.  At the end of the day, you’ll be left empty and exhausted.

So to the One that didn't tell me Happy Birthday, you still know more about me than anyone else, but that does not mean that you know me better than anyone else because if you knew me better than anyone else, you wouldn't treat me the way that you do.  It took me ages to figure that out, but I finally did.  And with my chin up and my head facing forward, my hand finally off that burner, I’m done with you.  I realize I’m late with that because you've been over me for a while, but I always loved more than you anyway.

To the One that didn't tell me Happy Birthday, I’m praying for you.  I always will be.  I’ll always be here for you because months and months ago, I promised you that, though this time around, I’ll be protecting my heart.  You made a promise to me, too, and you haven’t come through on it, but I intend to show you that I’m a girl of my word.  It’s hard to distinguish what was the truth and what was just being spoon-fed to me because not everything was truth, you know?  I’m sorry that we went out the way we did, but it was not my fault and I refuse to take the blame.  My heart still breaks for you because I've been where you are.  You can ignore reality for a while, but you can’t forever.  And I can’t wait for it to catch up to you, not because I’m being vengeful, but because I can’t wait for you to grow up.  You said you like how real I keep it and to continue in that trend, I don’t regret any of these words.  They might hurt you, but I doubt it because I refuse to believe you care that much.

I can’t wait for you to regret this.  Because when you do, I’ll be able to stand firm and declare that I deserve better than you.  After all, you don’t know what you've got until it’s gone, right?

I should have said this all months ago, but better late than never.  My only regrets are letting you get away with not being honest with me and me not saying all of this sooner.  I told you you hurt me a lot and maybe now you’ll see.

To the One that didn't tell me Happy Birthday, since it’s not longer me, treat her right.  She deserves it.  You have a lot to offer, but you need to be honest about where you lack.  Humble yourself and be kind.

To the lonely girl reading this, we’re waiting together; our time will come, princess, I promise.  We have to just be ourselves and know that someday, a man is going to fall in love with our awkwardness, our craziness, our weirdness, our beauty, our individuality, our psycho tendencies, and the way we care way, way, way too much (really, I don’t count that as a flaw. we’re beautiful).  We’re waiting together for Mr. Right, not Mr. I-Can-Try-To-Make-Him-Right.  And until Mr. Right comes knocking, we patiently wait, trusting in the Lord and soaking all that He is.  And when Mr. Right arrives, we continue to patiently wait, trusting in the Lord and soaking in all that He is.

To the girl confused by this post (you're not alone, I wrote it and I am, too), love is hard.  Feelings are hard.  Emotions are hard.  Boys are hard.  So guard your heart.  It’s not bad to love, but it’s bad to love all the wrong things.  You’ll learn the difference, I promise.  It took me a while, but I think I’m finally getting the hang of it.

“You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life.  It doesn't matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance—you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small.  It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change.  But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go.” –Danielle Koepke

I can’t say thank you to y’all enough.  Thanks for putting up with me.  This wasn't meant to be a mean, vengeful post, but I’m not too sorry if it came off that way because I was only being honest.  I am sorry if it comes off like I think I’m perfect when I write these things because that’s far from the truth.  I just refuse to take all the blame anymore.  I know I’m exhausting, but onward, we go.  I love you guys more than you’ll ever know!

Playing with fire only gets you burned.

Hm.  I'm not even sure I should post about this yet because I'm feeling about 4 million different emotions and none of them are stable.  I've cried (a whole, whole lot), laughed, smiled, hurt, slept, slept, and slept, and tried to pull myself together.  So really, this is just me preaching to myself.

Isn't it ironic how God is always right?  If for no other reason for the Bible, I'm learning over and over that it is truth.  If you attempt to strip away everything else and only look at the "rules" of the Bible, you'll learn that the "rules" are for a "stable" (for lack of a better word) life.  Don't get drunk.  Don't kill people.  
Don't date out of your faith.

That's last one is one I've been struggling with for the past eight months or so.  That's a long time to wrestle with something that the Bible speaks so clearly about, right?

"Don’t become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That’s not partnership; that’s war. Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil? Do trust and mistrust hold hands?" The Message, 2 Corinthians 6:14-15

I've always flirted with fire.  I've even chanted this as my anthem before--playing with fire will only get you burned.  But I like fire and I play with it, even when I know I shouldn't.

I wouldn't say that the choices I make/made were made out of direct disobedience to the Lord and to the plan that He has for me, but have you ever gotten so hopeful for something that you're willing to sacrifice even the most precious of things for it?

I don't necessarily believe that it is always hopeful for anything specifically, but hopeful for something. Anything.  For me, it was hope for love.  

Over this eight-month journey, I'm almost sure I've covered every sin in the Bible.  I've doubted God's plan for me, doubted God's faithfulness to me, doubted God's sovereignty.  I've twisted the morals of the Bible into what I want them to say, twisted the plan God has for me into our (really, all mine) plan, twisted my relationships to make them look "Christian".

With shaky hands, I'm here to warn you to listen to God.  Listen and listen until He calls you home.  Do not for one second assume that you know better.  Do not push God away.  Do not disobey Him.  When you step out of obedience to God, you step out of His perfect protection and disobedience to God will always lead to your downfall. 

I promise you, the broken heart is not worth it.  The emotional train wreck that I'm just beginning to get a taste of is absolutely not worth it.  If you ever have to question whether the Lord would allow you to do something, don't.  It's not worth it.  Yes means yes in the same light as no means no.

Listen to your friends.  Listen to their judgment because they know you well and if you're anything like me, they know you well enough to biblically and lovingly confront you.  Listen to your head.  Think logically, realistically, and practically.  Your heart is dangerous.  Don't give up on God.  Don't stop reading your Bible.  Don't assume you're alone and don't assume He doesn't care.  Don't stop going to church.  And please, for the love of all that is good, don't stop seeking God.

And, for when you fail, because I know you will (temptation is weighty and the world is constantly chasing us to follow it.  the world will win sometimes.  that's okay; keep going.), remind yourself that you are not defined by rejection.  You are not defined by what the world will call you.  You are not defined by creation, but rather, by Creator.  He knows you.  He loves you.  Before He formed you in the womb, He had a plan for you.  He knew you'd fail Him and He knows you'll continue to.  He knows your heart.  He knows your head.  He knows what you need, when you need it, how you need it, and how to deliver it.  Jesus sees the end and this isn't it.  

Sweet child, don't be stupid.  Don't be reckless.  Don't lie to yourself.  Don't let your heart rule your life.  Don't play with fire.  Don't dance with the devil.  

Love with all you've got, but guard your precious heart.  Guard it because it's fragile and God lives there.  When you let God out, you let Satan end and that will never end well for you.

and finally, don't be discouraged by the troubles.  Though we sometimes (almost always) bring them on ourselves, we have a hope that is firm and secure.  Tomorrow is a new day and that, my friends, is reason to rejoice.  Never stop loving or hoping or praying or giving or loving or loving or loving.  Love is huge.

I pray that you walk in a way that is pleasing to the Lord.  You are so dearly loved by me.  Smile and love, be happy and be beautiful.  You absolutely deserve it.  

Prayer Time:  Thank you, God, for never giving up on me when I so recklessly give up on you.  Thank you for loving me in spite of me.  Thank you for forgiveness and acceptance and your reign.  Thank you for hope and a future, a plan that is much more prosperous than the ones that I create for myself.  Thank you for making a way for me, even when you knew I'd choose other ways.  Thank you for grace and redemption.  Thank you for salvation and righteousness.  I pray that you would strength us to walk in a way that is honoring to you.  I pray that as we go out, we would love and love, but guard ourselves.  I pray that you would strengthen us to follow Your will and then, strengthen us to come back home when we don't.  In Your Son's name I pray, amen.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:12-17

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11

thank you to my faithful readers. even in my absence, y'all are a comfort to me. i pray for you guys often and i love you so, so much. thanks for journeying this thing called life alongside me.
keep smiling, it's only uphill from here.

Defining Brenna

Two months?! Has is really been that long?!

life has been on speed lately, hahah. I have somewhere in the ballpark of 25 days left of school before my freshman year is over.  and if that's not wild enough, how about the fact that I'll be 19 in a month and a half?

I feel like "times flies" is probably the biggest understatement of life, ever.  Really, time goes.  It doesn't just fly by, because that would say that we kind of see it pass, right?  No, time is just gone.  I thought I had time and now time is gone. left. over.

I guess you can guess that I'm a little distraught over time lately. Time has always stressed me out and now, it's definitely no different.  I love that summer is almost here, but I'm stressed thinking everything.

I'm going to attempt to explain what all has happened since my last post.  Bear with me (like always).  
I changed my major a couple weeks ago.  I'm now an Early Childhood Education major.  Ministry just didn't fit.  I learned that you can't call yourself to something—God has to do that, you know?  Full-time ministry just was not my calling.  So right now, I'm an Early Childhood Education major, Ministry minor.  And I feel good about that for the time being.  I don't know.  We'll see.  I've always struggled with things like this.  Like the future, hahahhaa.
I'll be an RA next year.  This is absolutely different than what I had planned for how I would spend the year, but the Lord had other plans for me (usually and typically).  I'm getting excited now because I know that it's all God's will for me.  I wouldn't have chosen this for myself, so I trust His judgment.
I'm learning a lot.  A lot doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.  So much is happening and I'm trying to grab what I can.  I know some of the decisions I'm making maybe aren't in my best interest, but I'm trying.  I'm failing in a lot of places, but I'm learning.  I'm growing up and right now, that's enough of an answer for me.  It sounds cliche, but I'm only young once, right?

It's kind of sad that I wrapped up my whole life from two months in two short paragraphs, hahaha.  But really, not all that much has changed.  I still love orange juice and springtime weather and home and sleeping.  Sleeping, lots and lots of sleeping.  In some places, I think I've matured, while in others, I've become more childlike.  No one told me freshman year would be like this, hah.  It's not really a problem, per say, just not what I expecting.

I guess I'm finding myself.  It's taking me a while, but it's about dang time.  I'm defining myself and I have no clue what that looks like now, but I look forward to knowing.

Thanks for listening to me ramble.  I do that even more now than I used to, so bear with me as I get back into the swing of things.  Love y'all, really.  


Colossians 3:12-15-  "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.  Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  And be thankful."