hello and hello.
I've moved.
It is with much sadness that I say that, but the time has come. andwhateverthisis is now on wordpress. I'll keep this blog active (because I'll probably need to read my own words often), but I needed something new and this was it.
thank you so much to my faithful readers over the, literally, years. I'm abundantly thankful for you guys and for this place. I made this place home through many changes and trials and tears and all. Thank you to those of you that stuck with me with it.
BUT now you can move with me! I'm now here andwhateverthisis.wordpress.com and I'd love for you to come over there with me. stalk, subscribe, and hear all my things.
thanks again for being rocking. onward, we go.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
when Enough is not enough
Today, I started my second semester of my junior year. And it wouldn't be the first day of school if I didn't cry, right?
2015 just started. Over and over, I'll say it - I love new years. In regards to this new year, I'm in love already and my heart is full, full, full.
Today, I went to the first chapel. As we stood and sang lyrics that say "the riches of Your love will always be enough", it was as if the Lord Himself was standing next to me, asking me if His love really is enough for me.
For the next hour, I couldn't think of anything else. Is Jesus's love enough for me plagued all of my thoughts. It plagued the way I considered my Wednesday to-do list, the way that I thought about all the things I want to make, the way that I thought about the next year, the way I considered my future.
If Jesus took away my ability to make calligraphy, would He be enough for me? If He snatched away my etsy shop, would He be enough for me? If I couldn't paint like I can, would He be enough for me? If He never gave me a husband, would I be okay with that? If He never gave me an income, would I trust Him to be enough? If I couldn't go to Anderson University, would He be enough for me? If I didn't have all my friends, would Jesus and I be on good terms? If Jesus didn't give me all my things, would simply having him be enough?
To the crying part. Nothing will stress you (and definitely me) out more than a negative bank account and a whopping $200 textbook bill. Seriously. As anxiety crept it's way in quickly, I literally felt all the control that I thought I had fly away from me. It seems that all that I've done to practice holding it together and keeping my anxiety down is useless in this time of crisis.
And it became really clear to me that no, Jesus would not be enough for me then. If I had Jesus without all that Jesus gives me, it wouldn't be enough. Shamefully but honestly, I say that.
The conviction that comes with a realization like that was not lost on me either. How quickly I forgot who holds it all together. How quickly I forget the one that makes all things right and good and new. How quickly I forget who receives the glory; and when that glory is bestowed, how quickly I forget that it is I who receives the joy for His glorification.
Chaos easily entangles. And it holds tightly. Currently, at this moment, I feel only its tight grip. To say that I feel calm about all the things and that I know everything will be okay would be untrue. I think that's what being a Christian is about - it's about learning the gap. About learning how to go from the place where I am - a place where the smallest of problems can send me in a tizzy, forgetting the Lord and forgetting anything He promises - to the place where I want to be - one where I know who holds yesterday, today, and tomorrow and that is enough.
As I type truths about the Lord, I feel that anxiety wavering. It isn't gone, but it's going. I think that's what being a Christian is about, too - knowing the gap and then learning how to handle it, whether you're on the left side of it, the middle, or the right side. It's all about how you respond and who you respond to.
I'm going to declare this year the year that I learn how to respond. The year that I learn the gap and I come to conquer it. The year that I decide to build a bridge and slowly, but surely begin to make my baby steps across it. Because being here is fine, but staying here is not.
My word "enough" already looks a lot differently than I thought it would. I first thought it would be about me being enough because Christ - who is enough - is in me, but it seems that enough is about Him being enough without all the things that make Him be enough. If that makes sense. It seems that I'm learning to call Christ enough even when I don't feel like I have enough. What a puzzle for me that is.
So shall I say onward, we go? Because we do. We do because we gloriously and victoriously know who calms all chaos. We know who makes beautiful things out of ashes and dust; it feels that there's a lot of both around me now.
Jesus, in your name, I speak to the mountains in my life. because of who you are, I can know that tomorrow will be good because you bring good things. help me to know goodness when it doesn't feel good. what a marvelous thought - that I could know you even in the midst of circumstances that don't feel like you at all. help me to be not such a drama queen, but to turn to you, the one that makes all things right. thanks for being rocking. here's to a rocking ride.
2015 just started. Over and over, I'll say it - I love new years. In regards to this new year, I'm in love already and my heart is full, full, full.
Today, I went to the first chapel. As we stood and sang lyrics that say "the riches of Your love will always be enough", it was as if the Lord Himself was standing next to me, asking me if His love really is enough for me.
For the next hour, I couldn't think of anything else. Is Jesus's love enough for me plagued all of my thoughts. It plagued the way I considered my Wednesday to-do list, the way that I thought about all the things I want to make, the way that I thought about the next year, the way I considered my future.
If Jesus took away my ability to make calligraphy, would He be enough for me? If He snatched away my etsy shop, would He be enough for me? If I couldn't paint like I can, would He be enough for me? If He never gave me a husband, would I be okay with that? If He never gave me an income, would I trust Him to be enough? If I couldn't go to Anderson University, would He be enough for me? If I didn't have all my friends, would Jesus and I be on good terms? If Jesus didn't give me all my things, would simply having him be enough?
To the crying part. Nothing will stress you (and definitely me) out more than a negative bank account and a whopping $200 textbook bill. Seriously. As anxiety crept it's way in quickly, I literally felt all the control that I thought I had fly away from me. It seems that all that I've done to practice holding it together and keeping my anxiety down is useless in this time of crisis.
And it became really clear to me that no, Jesus would not be enough for me then. If I had Jesus without all that Jesus gives me, it wouldn't be enough. Shamefully but honestly, I say that.
The conviction that comes with a realization like that was not lost on me either. How quickly I forgot who holds it all together. How quickly I forget the one that makes all things right and good and new. How quickly I forget who receives the glory; and when that glory is bestowed, how quickly I forget that it is I who receives the joy for His glorification.
Chaos easily entangles. And it holds tightly. Currently, at this moment, I feel only its tight grip. To say that I feel calm about all the things and that I know everything will be okay would be untrue. I think that's what being a Christian is about - it's about learning the gap. About learning how to go from the place where I am - a place where the smallest of problems can send me in a tizzy, forgetting the Lord and forgetting anything He promises - to the place where I want to be - one where I know who holds yesterday, today, and tomorrow and that is enough.
As I type truths about the Lord, I feel that anxiety wavering. It isn't gone, but it's going. I think that's what being a Christian is about, too - knowing the gap and then learning how to handle it, whether you're on the left side of it, the middle, or the right side. It's all about how you respond and who you respond to.
I'm going to declare this year the year that I learn how to respond. The year that I learn the gap and I come to conquer it. The year that I decide to build a bridge and slowly, but surely begin to make my baby steps across it. Because being here is fine, but staying here is not.
My word "enough" already looks a lot differently than I thought it would. I first thought it would be about me being enough because Christ - who is enough - is in me, but it seems that enough is about Him being enough without all the things that make Him be enough. If that makes sense. It seems that I'm learning to call Christ enough even when I don't feel like I have enough. What a puzzle for me that is.
So shall I say onward, we go? Because we do. We do because we gloriously and victoriously know who calms all chaos. We know who makes beautiful things out of ashes and dust; it feels that there's a lot of both around me now.
Jesus, in your name, I speak to the mountains in my life. because of who you are, I can know that tomorrow will be good because you bring good things. help me to know goodness when it doesn't feel good. what a marvelous thought - that I could know you even in the midst of circumstances that don't feel like you at all. help me to be not such a drama queen, but to turn to you, the one that makes all things right. thanks for being rocking. here's to a rocking ride.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is
made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9
so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9
Monday, January 5, 2015
a couple New Year's tears
As I said before, I love New Years. I love the call to celebrate. A handful of friends and I got together to celebrate.
We spent the night eating pigs in a blanket, so many cookies, and tons of chips and salsa. We watched scandalous NYC performers on tv while halfway covering our eyes. We talked about crushes and futures and life. We played catch phrase and did sparklers barefoot outside. We prayed together for the year before we went to bed.
It was tender. That's a #stopwhitegirls2k15 word for sure, but that is the only word that describes how sweet it was to me. My heart easily filled and overflowed as I loved and loved and loved.
Needless to say, I was in tears before I made it out of the neighborhood, leaving Columbia to come back home. I could literally feel my heart breaking as I considered a day without these friends, or without the types of friendship that I have now. Maybe it was more like my heart was tearing - torn between so deeply craving the community that I have and weeping over the day that this season will be over.
I dread that day. I dread ever having to leave these people. I dread going separate ways and growing apart and having to deal with the repercussions of changing times. I sound like a drama queen because I am, but I desperately loathe having to call these days over.
It's so funny how friendships wax and wane. How, one day, I call her and him my friend, while the next day, it's them and her and him over there. The people that I thought I'd never lose - I did. I guess that's how it's supposed to go. Not that I'm supposed to end all of my friendships periodically, but that in different seasons, the heart yearns for different things.
There is something deeply rooted in the friendships that we create, especially those special ones that we know are sent straight from the Lord himself. There is something deep, deep, deep in those relationships that send you weeping at the thought of conclusion. There is something in that pursuit - that continual commitment to tough it out, even in seasons of depression or loneliness or other friends put first or busyness or seasons better spent with some distance. There is something there worth fighting for.
My prayer for myself is that I would see the beauty in the flowers that grow around me. That I would see my friends as exactly that - mine. My heart smiles at the sheer thought that the Lord would send some people my way for me to love on and grow with. Community is such a special thing and it used to be something I could care less about. But it is so necessary and so, so beautiful.
I'm not sure what I wanted these words to be about. I feel that I often talk about community and about clutching these times. But with every passing day, I fear that I am holding them too loosely and that I am missing the sweet things in it all. I fear giving too few hugs and letting too many days go and not writing enough thank you cards. I shiver at the thought of watching the times pass.
I guess that's one of my goals for the year. I'm not really a "resolution" person, but I do think that we should establish goals. Overarching-ly, my goals are to 1. celebrate more, 2. love deeper, and 3. be brave. Amidst that, one thing that I seek to accomplish to declutter my life (my possessions, my facebook friends, my pictures, all the things that I'm hoarding) and to be more intentional about the things that pass the clutter cut (the things that matter most to me). I pray that creating a heart for what really matters will help me to hug these days.
Jesus, help me to not take these times for granted. Help me to hug these days tightly and to see Your hand in them always. Help me to love You deeply and to love others well. Help me to be all that You want for me to be. Help me to make this the best year yet - I'm trusting you when you said that the best is yet to come.
We spent the night eating pigs in a blanket, so many cookies, and tons of chips and salsa. We watched scandalous NYC performers on tv while halfway covering our eyes. We talked about crushes and futures and life. We played catch phrase and did sparklers barefoot outside. We prayed together for the year before we went to bed.
It was tender. That's a #stopwhitegirls2k15 word for sure, but that is the only word that describes how sweet it was to me. My heart easily filled and overflowed as I loved and loved and loved.
Needless to say, I was in tears before I made it out of the neighborhood, leaving Columbia to come back home. I could literally feel my heart breaking as I considered a day without these friends, or without the types of friendship that I have now. Maybe it was more like my heart was tearing - torn between so deeply craving the community that I have and weeping over the day that this season will be over.
I dread that day. I dread ever having to leave these people. I dread going separate ways and growing apart and having to deal with the repercussions of changing times. I sound like a drama queen because I am, but I desperately loathe having to call these days over.
It's so funny how friendships wax and wane. How, one day, I call her and him my friend, while the next day, it's them and her and him over there. The people that I thought I'd never lose - I did. I guess that's how it's supposed to go. Not that I'm supposed to end all of my friendships periodically, but that in different seasons, the heart yearns for different things.
There is something deeply rooted in the friendships that we create, especially those special ones that we know are sent straight from the Lord himself. There is something deep, deep, deep in those relationships that send you weeping at the thought of conclusion. There is something in that pursuit - that continual commitment to tough it out, even in seasons of depression or loneliness or other friends put first or busyness or seasons better spent with some distance. There is something there worth fighting for.
My prayer for myself is that I would see the beauty in the flowers that grow around me. That I would see my friends as exactly that - mine. My heart smiles at the sheer thought that the Lord would send some people my way for me to love on and grow with. Community is such a special thing and it used to be something I could care less about. But it is so necessary and so, so beautiful.
I'm not sure what I wanted these words to be about. I feel that I often talk about community and about clutching these times. But with every passing day, I fear that I am holding them too loosely and that I am missing the sweet things in it all. I fear giving too few hugs and letting too many days go and not writing enough thank you cards. I shiver at the thought of watching the times pass.
I guess that's one of my goals for the year. I'm not really a "resolution" person, but I do think that we should establish goals. Overarching-ly, my goals are to 1. celebrate more, 2. love deeper, and 3. be brave. Amidst that, one thing that I seek to accomplish to declutter my life (my possessions, my facebook friends, my pictures, all the things that I'm hoarding) and to be more intentional about the things that pass the clutter cut (the things that matter most to me). I pray that creating a heart for what really matters will help me to hug these days.
Jesus, help me to not take these times for granted. Help me to hug these days tightly and to see Your hand in them always. Help me to love You deeply and to love others well. Help me to be all that You want for me to be. Help me to make this the best year yet - I'm trusting you when you said that the best is yet to come.
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